I don't know whether I was oblivious, ignorant, or just plain stupid, but when I was younger, I was a big 'idealist' as far as dating and relationships were concerned. This was as recent as a few years back. In retrospect, I think it was caused by a diet of saccharine-filled, BS, feel-good Hollywood-style media (TV, movies, books, 'real-life' tales) but I did not realise it at the time and I got burned.

During high-school, college, and my master's degree - dating was not really an issue per se. I have always known that I am not attractive in the traditional sense : I'm not tall, muscular, etc. (**a point driven into my head repeatedly by my own mother**, of all people). But just like anyone else, I do think that I have some good qualities (physical and otherwise) and I can make a good 'case' for myself by taking care of what I eat, my lifestyle, etc. As a result, I had some okay dating experiences - some good and some bad - although none of them really worked out in the long term (something that I would have ideally wanted).

After I left the safe confines of university life however, the 'real-world' struck me like a brick. The rules of the dating 'marketplace' (it's more like a jungle) took over.

Through numerous terrible episodes, I have realised something very simple. As a guy the further you are from the ideal male prototype***, the more miserable the dating scene gets for you, broadly speaking. For me, my personal qualities (my personality, nature, hobbies, interests, knowledge, experiences) all were absolutely useless when it came to this 'new' world. And the parts of myself that I had previously never paid attention to, let alone perceive negatively were suddenly now 'flaws' in the eyes of the women I dated or asked out.

I don't want to get into the gory details but it really sucks to get get repeated told that there's something wrong with me (indirectly/directly), like my appearance, my height, physique, my ethnicity, my job/salary, etc. I've never had problems with self-esteem in the past, but when you hear this sort of stuff repeatedly, it does get you down and start making you ask questions about yourself. And keep in mind, it wasn't as if I was going to bars and asking out random people - these were all people I got to know through friends, through work, through various activities, etc.

I now know better than to pay heed to this nonsense but it still affects me - my experience with my abusive ex did not make things any better. That experience was ... really something else. I'd like to share that sometime later.

Most of my friends are unsympathetic to my experience. The women especially so - they seem to think that stuff like body-shaming, rejection, etc. only ever occurs to them and that we guys have it easy in all aspects of life.

My problem isn't that I got rejected or whatever. That happens to everyone, I am fine with it either way. It's that as a guy, unless you show yourself to be (i) close to the ideal male prototype mentioned earlier, and (ii) aggressive-enough (and nothing more), women will just walk over you and cross all sorts of lines. I was to blame as well, sure, but I never expected something like this in the first place. I just wanted companionship and intimacy, without all the toxic shit that came in the pursuit of those things. Was/is that really too much to ask?

*** in the eyes of women, of course. Some of these 'qualities' would include being: tall, handsome, muscular, broad-jawed, financially successful, stoic (but just enough to show your 'caring side' to women), high social-status etc.

Thankfully, I am in a much better place now. In fact, this post was actually a draft that I'd written a few months back and I was not planning on sharing it anywhere. But I recently came across this sub and felt that there was a chance that I could finally 'be understood' somewhere, it had to be this page. There really aren't a lot of places where I can actually say all this openly and not be called an incel, misogynist, and worse, so that's why I've posted this here. Thanks for reading,