So confused and heart broken but doing this to save my life and help my children (could use advice)

InAJam_SoS · 2021-11-13T14:21:49+00:00

My hot take: She has been planning to divorce for at least a year. She found her dream home that she will get in the divorce and forever proceeds from your business. She is spending money because it will be a big factor (more money)in the money you will have to give her before the divorce is final (post separation support) because 'keeping the current standard of living' is the goal when this is decided. It will also factor in alimony too - more money for her. You are her worker bee and have provided over the years. You are a man/father in family court and you will lose. She wants you to leave the house so she can claim you abandoned the family. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. This will make it all harder for you. Be careful of false domestic violence charges as this is used against men too. Even if the police are called to the house for this it will still look bad for you and be one more hurdle you will have to overcome in court. She wants a divorce and has for a long time. I may be wrong but I bet I'm right on part of it. The person she is now is nowhere near who you married and ask yourself if this person is who you want. It will be tough but there is another side. Look into things you can do to protect yourself as a father and a man. The divorce industry is a billion dollar business designed to take the providers money and kids from them. There is so much more but get yourself familiar with divorce for fathers so you know what to expect and protect yourself. Learn about exparte, domestic violence orders, how judges determine child support alimony. Cordell and Cordell (law firm for fathers)is helpful but there are in on it too. Most Family Court attorneys are in on this. Look for fathers groups on Facebook and other areas. Look at Youtube videos, listen to other stories to learn, make mistakes on the side of caution and protect yourself. Don't let this process change you and who you are. Focus on your kids as it will be tough on them. Be prepared. I hope I'm wrong. Best of luck and check back in.

Edit: Editing at r/Funny_Wolverine_9 's advice because he is right. It's hard to know what to do but here's a link that should give a picture of what you're up against. There's a chance, depending on the level of personality disorder and crazy you could be setting yourself up for false domestic allegations. If you stay make sure you have recordings of every minute because there's a chance a call to the police, for a fake domestic violence call will happen. It's a horrible situation to be in and one many, many fathers have been in and will continue to be in until there's sunlight let in to these corrupt family court systems to illuminate the players, levers, abuses, and everything involved that strips children from their parents and destroys (mostly fathers) lives.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-11-13T11:42:31+00:00

> My wife has not let me

That's the root of your problem. You are not leading your marriage. You have clearly put your wife on a pedestal. Your only hope is to change your mental point of origin from her to you. Every thought you have is evaluated in the context of how it's good or bad for you, not others. Putting yourself first in your thoughts is enlightened self-interest. Similar to airline safety briefings, by putting on your own oxygen mask first you are in the best position to help others.

You must lead your relationship. Like ballroom dancing, men lead and women follow. If you want to be treated like the captain of your ship, then act like it. Be strong, wise and delegate to your first officer and trusted advisor. Never expect her to intuit what you want. A good woman will submit to a strong leader, and compliment her man. Women crave to be led. They will scream, shout, and insist otherwise. But in the end, historically and empirically, women want men to lead. All the protesting is merely a big massive fitness test to see if you have the confidence, spine, and temerity to be a real man and stand up to them. Demonstrate leadership, do not explicate.

If you want a chance of turning your marriage around, then spend quality time on /r/MarriedRedPill.

25_years · 2021-11-13T13:40:28+00:00

she refuses to let me take [the kids] to any type of specialist, doctor

Take them anyway. I'm serious. Just make the appointment and take them. Are they not your kids, too? Do your kids not depend on you to make good decisions on their behalf?

I agree with /u/dday_throwaway3 -- you need to set some boundaries and put yourself first.

If you decide to pull the pin on the Divorce Grenade, this advice goes 100-fold. She will try to control you and the money and the kids forever by using the courts.

Gattsama · 2021-11-13T16:09:12+00:00

Hey man, I've been with my wife for 17yrs and married 12yrs. She asked me to move out 3wks ago. I made all the money and she is a stay at home house wife with no kids. As others have said:

1) They are your kids too, take them to see any doctor you want. I got to the point where I came to accept that she is going to be upset no matter what I do or don't do, so might as well take care of myself. In this case 100% take care of your kids. I am biased (pediatrician) but it's a REALLY telling sign when a parent doesn't want to take care or sacrifice for their kids.

2) She likely has been planning this for a while. Maybe consciously, maybe unconsciously. But it's clearly the plan. She most likely has the classic what you make is ours mentality, and any money going out is seen as bad. And based on what you write, that includes her own kids.

3) You keep saying, she won't allow, she won't let me, she will not cut back on the schedule, she spends money without discussing it, etc. I am / was in the same position. I would say similar BS. But the truth is she is NOT limiting you, you are limiting yourself. You are CHOOSING to not take your kids to the doctor, you are CHOOSING to not hire new staff. We have placed these mental shackles on our brains, and we are limiting ourselves. I would tell myself: I don't want to start a fight, I don't want any drama, I want to be a team, I'll just do these few things more then cut back, etc. etc.

Whatever it is that you are telling yourself, try to take a step back and recognize it's BS. Besides this group, find a friend / family member you know you can trust. Tell them everything, and then ask for their honest opinion about things. Ask them specifically are you seeing things clearly.

Also ask yourself, if you heard your story what advise would you give a stranger? You deserve to follow that advise, you deserve to put your childrens needs and your needs first. Forget the legal 1/2, you do not owe your wife anything. She's suppose to be your partner and teammate, NOT your mentor, captain, teacher, or boss.

Sounds super harsh but pretend she dropped dead today. What chooses and changes would you make in your life. Really think about what you would do if she just disappeared. Then stop and really think about is having her around a benefit to yourself and children, is she supporting that version of your life / dream, is she even interested in it. OR is she a burden / blockage / enemy of that life.

I'm only 3 weeks separated, and she asked me to leave. But damn, things are so peaceful now. And my stress level is rapidly approaching zero. She is NOT a horrible person, I love her and always will. But I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and taking some time to pull back. And have pretty much decided we need to terminate. I was thinking about how would I live my life if she wasn't in it, and how would I live my life with her in it (make believe) best case scenario and how I would live my life with her in it (current scenario).

Might be projecting here, but sounds like your best life and your kids best life would be without her... Do the work, talk to people you trust, if possible get some time away from her (just a 2 night "business trip" with no responsibilities).

Stay strong

BurntBridg3s · 2021-11-13T14:47:17+00:00

If you are on the fence of leaving, read this book (audio book). I promise it will help. It isn’t a book on how to stay or how to leave. But a book on how to decide. Best $20 I spent on my divorce situation. Good luck processing!

“Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay”

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2021-11-13T23:40:19+00:00

You need to be very careful:

Stop working so much. If/when you get divorced you need to start paying child support based on your 80/hour a week. Start reducing your hours worked.
You need to take time off to take kids to their appointment. She will use the fact that you weren't doing it against you to ask for sole custody and limited parenting time.
She's already planned an exit but you're too naive like most men to see it.

Throwaway4120213 · 2021-11-14T00:05:57+00:00

Sounds like she is planning to divorce you and take you to the cleaners.

1) Having you work 80hrs/week means that is the income level you will be based on for alimony and child support. The Courts do not care if these hours are sustainable. Reduce your hours to 40/week ASAP. You don’t need her permission.

2) Not letting you hire more workers for your business. This means your profits are unsustainable but that high number will be used to value your business. That means you will owe her an inflated amount to buy her out of the business. Hire another worker ASAP.

3) Her spending $2k on “things” and $100 dinners means she’s establishing a marital lifestyle you will be on the hook for providing her with through alimony and child support. Cut your hours and downsize the family’s spending level.

4) Take your kids to the doctor! Those are your kids. If you cannot do what is best for your kids during the marriage - then get out, fight for 50:50 and then parent however the hell you want during your time.

You need to grow some ASAP and take back your life.

Creative-Drop1816 · 2021-11-14T02:49:40+00:00

Read these comments carefully Kings, There is a ton of good info on this thread for men in your position, these guys know what they are talking about and sound like they have been through the divorce wringer.

I have been here and done all of this and got the bumper sticker as well. So here is my advice....hopefully she does not already have a plan in place.

If you want things to work out and don't want a divorce your best bet is to take back your life first. Start doing things for you (just like these other Kings have been saying). Take your kids to whatever Doctor or specialist you want. It isn't up to her. These are your kids, you are supporting her to take care of them for you (YOU!!!....are the key person that everything hinges on here) There is no kingdom without the King. Hire that 2nd or 3rd person for your business for several reasons:

1) You are burnt out and need the help.

2) It sounds like you need to spend more time at home evaluating what exactly your wife is bring to your relationship.

3) This will also insulate you a little bit if things come to a divorce.

You need to get things to a sustainable level and achieve some type of work/life balance. Take control of your finances. You make all the money and she is spending all the money....does anybody else see the irony in this statement (I am not poking fun, this has happened to many of us, and a lot of us have been in this same predicament) Seriously, get your finances back under control. Have your wife cook and hold up her end and stop spending $100 a meal; it's absurd. There is also no way she should be able to access thousands of dollars at once. Get a separate account and set up some type of small weekly stipend for her to use on odds and ends that she needs for herself. After awhile if things get better you can leave the door open to talk about running the finances together, but right now you need to get a grip on this. Again this could help in court later if it comes down to it.

Now if she is willing to listen and work with you and reshape both of your futures together then obviously something can be worked out, but if she is refusing to talk to a counselor right now I have my doubts that she is going to be on board with these changes. If this is the case I'm sorry my man, but you are a walking ATM and nothing else anymore.

Buckle up and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times because you are about to get hit with the Divorce train. Embrace the suck:

Every mans journey through this process is unique, but they all end up with you losing most of your sh!t, not to mention your future earnings. If you are really thinking that things are not going to work out you have a lot of research to do. Do not give away your position, put on your best poker face, and learn how to clear your browser history ;) Start looking at what you are looking at paying and how long. This varies state by state and usually depends on the length of the marriage and several other factors. Here or some bullet points:

1) Get a good attorney, if you have an attorney that is a freind or someone who works in the system ask them to dig for a good one for you. All of these attorneys have lunches together and have fought cases against one another several times before you, most of them have history amd already think they know how it is going to end for you. Find so.eone that still has a small spark of fight left in them. This was my biggest mistake, I got an attorney from a bigger expensive firm than my Ex, but my attorney basically already knew I lost financially from the minute I walked in. His mind was already made up how much of me money he was willing to give away for the foreseeable future. Seriously Find someone that cares and is willing to put in the work. Be prepared for a loss (big or small)

2) Prepare for a fight- if things take a turn for the worst the comments about false allegations are very real. Anything from domestic abuse, to false rape allegations, to sinking as low as falsely accusing you of committing pedophilia against your own kids. I was lucky not to have any of these happen to me, but I have seen some guys go through this and have heard several women admit to doing these things. I have even heard of some scummy attorneys convince female clients to make pedophilia claims in order to all but, secure a win and settle before things even go to court. What Dad in their right mind is going to make their kids testify on the stand about something that never happened.

3) Alternatives, there are other options that we forget about. You can do a trial separation period. I have seen couples that have separated for as long as 12 years before completing a divorce. They have children and are still friends. Very unlikely, but it is doable. You can also try to resolve your marriage (Refer above to #1). You can also dissolve your marriage. You will have to check your states rules and regulations to see if it applies, but essentially you and your wife can agree to dissolve your own marriage. Do your own research if this interests you.

I hope this helps you and anybody else struggling in this situation. This can be a dark time. Find a friend to confide in and remember that your happiness does not depend on anyone else's. Take care of your kids and spare them as much pain as you can, but don't forget to look out for number one. Without the King their is no Kingdom. Take care of yourself so you can take care of the your kids.

Stay strong Kings,

Curious-Ear-4792 · 2021-11-14T12:48:23+00:00

Listen to this and see what comes to you

https://youtu.be/bvN6kK5O5jA

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