I’ve been nauseous thinking about the future of me (22) and my gf (20). I have crazy moments of clarity when i’m sick and stopped taking my SSRI which has made me see things for what they are. I hate my job, my location and social circle. I’m the token “nerdy” black dude to most of my friends and my gf thinks i’m a dork. She says this is why she’s attracted to me.

Here’s the thing though. I have a really dark side to myself that I don’t really show, but people can sense it. I make great money for my age, live alone, but I have a drug problem. I get high because I can’t be around her sober. I realized that trauma between me and mom made my idea of relationships skewed.

My gf is hot, but she is so draining. I’ve spent so much on random crap like impulsive food runs, trips out of town and other crap I wouldn’t do if I was single. I miss being single, but I don’t miss the loneliness. I hate the concept of being a provider even when i’m not appreciated. She asks me everyday how my day is and I dread telling her, because I subconsciously know she doesn’t really care.

She sent me pictures of dogs, and started talking about how she wants one when she gets a house. I rolled my eyes. She wants to change her major because she doesn’t know if she wants to do her field anymore. I rolled my eyes. This is when it hit me. If I got her pregnant, she would expect me to propose, buy the dog, the house and anything else women socially compete with.

I was at the gym today and started to actually contemplate running away from everyone. My dad called me and told me that his wife wanted to know if I wanted to go to the Barbados with them. Here’s the catch. I have to pay $1100 which is half of the cost for one person. He said my stepbrother is bringing his gf and wanted to know if I was going to come. No I don’t want to spend time with a on-going train wreck.

Here’s my point. How are married men happy. You give up your assets, lifestyle and dignity for some meat and bills. You “share” a life with your partner who is the biological equivalence to a dumbbell. You can see the pain in “happy” married people eyes. My boss is happily married but he’s a douche.