Boyfriend’s family doesn’t like me, I’m afraid. What to do?

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-12-05T18:44:04+00:00

My boyfriend of 1 year and a half has purchased a house with me

Ladies, until you are married, there is no "we". you don't combine finances, house, or share a place for the "greater good of a relationship". It does not benefit you, and the whole point of FDS is to have leverage in a relationship.

If you have invested in a house, it's harder for you to leave, and you probably won't break up with him because you will convince yourself that it's a stupid reason for a breakup after x amount of years and a house together. Then you'll have kids, then his parents will resent and mistreat you even more. You won't leave because now its a house+kids combo.

Worst case scenario is he and his parents will keep dragging you through the mud for years until you are mentally done and leave, suffering severe monetary losses for some peace of mind. That's not smart.

Anyways, tell his family to f off, they have no business telling you guys what to do. If that's an issue for them you have to tell your bf it's a dealbreaker for you. Then he's either on your side or on theirs.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-12-05T15:14:36+00:00

You should have never combined assets or finances with a boyfriend. It is absolutely not smart financially or fiscally to purchase a home and invest in a property with a man who has not been fully vetted and has not committed to you.

That being said, your question isn’t about this. Tell your boyfriend you don’t want his family involved anymore and hire the services you need. That’s it. Either he will support you or he won’t. His family will either get over it or they won’t. Hired professionals are on your timeline if they want to be paid. Unpaid laborers cannot be coerced into movement when you have zero leverage.

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2021-12-06T03:20:49+00:00

I’m getting the vibe he’s momma’s boy. I’d be really suspicious about what conversations are going on behind your back. Did he coerce them into doing the labor for free so he could save his money? Did he misrepresent your projected participation and now they’re mad because he said you’d help? The trustafarian who owns the building next to my home is like this. Plays “mommy special boy” who needs help to get tons of free labor from his parents.

I’d be tempted to clear the air when everyone is in the same room. Something like: “hey, everyone, I know boyfriend said you guys were comfortable doing all of the labor to get this house ready and he explained that I am unable to help due to my grueling residency, but I’m starting to feel like maybe it is more work than you anticipated and maybe it’s too big of a burden to ask of you. Like I said from the beginning, I am more than happy for us to hire out the work. I do not want to feel like I’m taxing you nor do I want to jeopardize our friendship.”

orangechickengeneral · 2021-12-05T20:53:55+00:00

If he's not defending you to his parents, that means he's perfectly content with them mistreating you. This might be harsh, but I would start thinking of an exit strategy now, before you convince yourself "it's not that bad", and "all couples have problems".
Personal example - I was dating a guy from a very traditionalist, fundamentalist culture where women have very strict roles, including cleaning and cooking 24/7.
He knew I wasn't going to do that. If and when his family tried to shame me about it or to passive-aggressively manipulate me, he shut that shit down immediately.
Your boyfriend is not doing that, and I wonder why? Maybe because his allegiance is to his family instead of you. You deserve better than this.

Before you get any deeper into this mess, before you have kids or other financial obligations together, try to escape. Speak to a financial lawyer about dividing your assets as an unmarried couple. If he's not defending you against his family now, he will not do so in the future.

donttextme_k · 2021-12-07T16:09:09+00:00

As everyone said, don’t combine finances but disregarding that for now since you guys already did. Did the parents help pay for the house? If not, they are way to bossy on something you and your bf bought together. Not sure why they think they have a say. If they did help then it’s even worst, you are just a girl their son is dating and most likely think they own the house, not you and you’re just naive enough to help them. In my experience, either the parents like you or they dont. Even if you try get them to like they, they still lost respect for you. Your boyfriend isn’t respecting you either and that’s on him but you can’t predict or control how other people are. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation otherwise you’re doing yourself a disservice. Sounds a nightmare in the long term.

Determinedblonde · 2021-12-09T11:22:09+00:00

You work hard and you have the money to pay for the services. You have been perfectly reasonable.

You’re incompatible. Next him when you can.

Title	Boyfriend’s family doesn’t like me, I’m afraid. What to do?
Author	Sisi21cent
Upvotes	57
Comments	9
Date	December 5, 2021 1:16 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/r9fj6m/boyfriends_family_doesnt_like_me_im_afraid_what/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/boyfriends-family-doesnt-like-me-im-afraid-what-to.1088582 https://theredarchive.com/post/1088582

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