I hate that Red Pillers expected me to submit and take care of family matters, but simultaneously lorded the relationship over me and making me fear being dumped off on the streets constantly if I didn't do as they expected. The worst part being that expectations would change constantly.

I feel like this post should have circus music or the Benny Hill theme song playing in the background for how many of these men utilized dark psychology to make me do things that I wouldn't normally do, but then also punished me for reacting the very way that science told them I would react. What a colossal set up to have my mind and sanity manipulated in this way with zero regard to how it affects other aspects of my life. It's like quicksand, the harder you fight, the faster you sink. So you grow numb and just let it happen, whether you want it or not. The really good ones isolating me from others so they can treat me badly with nobody around and pretend to be the best partner when people are watching.

They made me feel like a desperate and fearful clown that deeply feared getting the silent treatment again (as per normal human behaviour) or them pretending to be okay with something only to take it back and punish me for the very thing they said was okay. Always walking on eggshells because you have no clue if the person trying to get with you wants to actually be with you and actually enjoys your company or just befriend you long enough to find your weaknesses so he can exploit them and use them as dirt to keep you in line.

My traumatic past was exploited for their gain over and over and over again. My brain being the textbook of someone who had been chronically abused and despite going through years of treatment and not being able to fix everything the way they "expected" made me unworthy, a "joke", something to be ridiculed, degraded, exploited, etc. I started to fear crying when I was sad because they would bully me over it. I feared having a flashback because it would be recorded and shared with their buddies for laughs. I started to hate myself because of what sick men did to me that broke my brain that only made me canon fodder for the next exploitative guy.

Being with Red Pillers was a dark psychological trap that you can't escape with your mind intact. You must break so that they will devalue you and move on to another supply. But then you have to decide, especially if they blackmail you or constantly give you the silent treatment to only poke at you every few months to remind you that you don't have them anymore, do you risk having all your baggage and past mistakes exposed to the world and a running joke between their friends, or talk anyways and save other people from going through the pain?

I actually liked him and being around him, but to him I was just a toy. He never saw me as a person. I was only a "thing" to be manipulated, recorded for his buddies, pushing me until I broke and then using only those moments to spread a completely different narrative (like that I'm the abuser when they know damn well I wasn't) with his buddies, editing conversations to smear me when he knows he was treated like a King when we were alone, left randomly when he felt like it and recollected when he felt like it, and a ton of other bullshit with zero regard to how it affected other aspects of my life.

Fuck that noise.

Edit: I felt it was appropriate to add the Benny Hill theme song instead.

Edit 2: Removed the funny gifs because Reddit's new layout sucks and was hiding the post.