I’m at a loss and really want to change

herzogin_eva · 2022-05-02T16:14:15+00:00

I know where you're coming from because I've felt that way too. What helped me was to reframe things that I would complain about and change my mindset towards them.

For example: if there's a sink full of dishes, I'd think to myself "ugh, one more thing to do, I hate doing the dishes, but if I don't do them no one will." I changed that to, "I'm grateful to have dishes to clean because that means we've had food to eat, that's a blessing."

Or another example: if my toddler has woken up for a millionth time that night and I'm exhausted, I used to think, "why can't you just sleep! I am exhausted! I can't go on like this!". I changed that to, "I'm happy to have such an active child, and this period will soon pass."

Another thing, you need to take time for yourself. No one can pour from an empty cup. Try to find 3 things in a day that bring you pleasure and do them.

I think both of these things will help you.

LateralThinker13 · 2022-05-02T16:14:31+00:00

I’ve been in therapy on a weekly basis for nearly a year and I feel no better.

Then you're with the wrong therapist.

I’m tired of being unhappy but I just don’t know what to do. I’m angry at the lack of control in my life. I’m at the whims of everyone else

You lack control. Over what, precisely? Finances? Life trajectory? What?

I find myself depressed and lacking enjoyment or the feeling of fulfillment in my life.

Sounds like you aren't doing enough for YOU. Do you have hobbies, passions, joys? Kids are great, but no matter how much joy you take from them, they're also an obligation. What hobbies do you have, and do you practice them enough? Also, do you have any girl friends?

I ask because, especially post-covid, even an introvert like I am needs to get out, away from the spouse/kid, now and then. The best time I have had in YEARS was hooking up with a buddy of mine (whom I haven't spent face-to-face time with since 2019!!!) last Saturday to go out for lunch, and doing some target shooting at the range. No women, no kids, no problems, just good food and some cathartic lead-into-paper.

When was the last time you got away from it all to do something you love (with or without a friend)?

girlwithasidecar · 2022-05-02T16:44:32+00:00

Everyone is basically telling you that happiness is a choice and for the most part I agree with them.

My strategy as a former complainer is to look at the trade offs. For example: We bought a small house that needs a lot of work. It's not my happy place ...

But ...

When my husband was laid off we could pay the bills with my check. When inflation started to skyrocket we didn't feel the pinch because we weren't putting all our funds into a mortgage. My girls learn to put work into things instead of depending on others around them.

So when I get frustrated that my dishes are STILL on wire racks, I remind myself that there are benefits too.

Also, list your priorities and focus there first. When you are so exhausted that you can't do anymore, you know you have a handle on the important things and if the floors aren't mopped at least the kids got read to and the husband got his lunch. Or whatever.

And have a doc check all your hormones and vitamin levels and such. Sometimes things being out of whack has more of an impact on mood then we realize. I took a nap the other day and woke up a completely saner person. You can't burn the candle at both ends and think that it won't burn out.

Personally I strive for contentment rather than happiness. Happiness is too fleeting. There is more peace at being content with your broader life picture than in trying for happy every day.

2022-05-02T16:37:46+00:00

I’ve found myself so angry nearly all of the time these past few years.

A prerequisite to being angry is the feeling that you deserve better. You then get angry that you don't have it better than what you feel you deserve. It feels like an injustice to you. It makes your blood boil with anger.

You need to correct this thinking and the anger will correct itself.

You need to stop thinking about what you don't have and start focusing on what you do have.

Happiness comes from gratitude. When you're grateful for the blessings in your life, you will be happy. The more grateful you are, the more happy you will be.

I’m a chronic complainer.

Same concept regarding complaining. Focus on the good things that he does for you. Keep shifting your focus again and again.

I know it affects the house but I just can’t seem to stop.

Habits take around 90 days to form. Good habits and bad habits. You just need to push push push for 90 days and it will get much easier after that.

Every time you realize that you complained or got angry - think of a counter-thought of something that you are grateful for. Apologize for complaining or being angry and express your gratitude to him.

This will give you a bit of a "slap on the wrist" for messing up and it will help you along your process of change.

2022-05-02T18:47:36+00:00

I also thought that I'd be a carefree mom. Surprise surprise, I wound up discovering that schedules improved EVERYTHING for me.

I don't have ultra-strict schedules, but we do follow certain routines. We homeschool, which creates a lot of structure. But when the kids were littler and not being schooled, we still had structure.

Back then our routines tended to be built around mealtimes. Like, kids get dressed before breakfast; after breakfast the kids have certain chores; we go out after chores and come back home in time for lunch. Etc etc.

Having a structure makes me feel much more in control and makes the kids happier too. I know it's harder when you're juggling nap times, but you can build that into your routine.

marcelmarceau1972 · 2022-05-02T18:08:35+00:00

I think you need to rest. Although it sounds you are living the ideal life, it's too much. I found it's really common for us couples to both work to exhaustion. Me and my wife have had that feeling of "wanting to cry" out of tiredness.

Try and identify if there are any activities you can "cut". I know there won't be many, we mostly do the essential. But hopefully there will be some. If you both talk, I'm sure he'll get a better idea of what you are going through. It's not only him working really hard, you are doing it too. No one to blame here, you are a team together.

Sometimes you both to take the difficult decisions in life: his business is a big priority, we all get it ... but let's say you are in sick, would he find a way to come and take care of you or the children? It will be difficult, but you all know the right thing to do is that: 1) you don't exhaust yourself to death, 2) he doesn't exhaust himself to death. Together, as a team, find solutions. Know it's not only you, it's many marriages going through this, but you guys might figure things out. It will be worth it. As a husband, cutting back a bit of work and learning to focus on my children has made a much closer dad (and give me so much fulfillment in life!).

You all have time to reach other goals. Let's say he can cut 2 hours of his work a day to help ... specially the late hours. Maybe that means you guys will reach financial goals 20-25% later, instead of 10 years say 12-13 years. I'd think it's worth it to invest the time now in the family. Get on this together with him. Rest, calm down, find the peace to have a positive communication. I'm thinking more of a "hey, how are things at your job? What are the goals at your business? I was wondering if we could re-arrange the timing as we are both exhausted and it might be better to invest a bit more time in the family even if the business goals take longer?" Don't expect an answer right there. Let him process it, get with a plan. Recognize if he is doing his efforts. I hope he responds. It's much easier for him to respond to a challenge (we love being heroes) than to a discussion/emergency, so I hope you find the best way to handle this.

titlejunk · 2022-05-03T02:39:57+00:00

To echo a prior comment “everyone is telling you happiness is a choice”. That’s because happiness is a choice. Focus on what is pissing you off or focus on what is so beautiful about your life. That’s pretty much the most important decision you can make each and every day.

deznue · 2022-05-03T08:24:11+00:00

I think you doing a pretty good job in life compared to most of girls your age these days… realize that the media and big brother wants to create dissatisfaction in peoples life. Ever since the revolution started women have been believed that they should be independent and not rely on a man but this is the wrong way to go…. In the end those women end up unable to start families and find husband for temporary fun in their early and late 20s then wonder why no man wants to wife them up. You have 3 children and you should be grateful for that because women your age that are still partying and living the wild life will not have that luxury, they will probably die alone with cats instead.

Competitive-Gas3935 · 2022-05-03T11:06:26+00:00

Sounds like you’re lacking in self care. Laura Doyle is big on that. Read her books if you haven’t already. She suggests making a list of self care activities and do at least 3 a day. Even if you “don’t have time” she says to make time regardless.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-05-02T15:54:15+00:00

Weird question: Can you choose to be content? mindfulness exercises or meditation?

It seems like your natural inclination is to have the opposite. (or at least your examples growing up were).

saddensgirl · 2022-05-02T16:28:40+00:00

I felt like this before. Happiness is a choice though, and when you choose to look at it that way it becomes easier to change your mindset. For instance, I used to be completely overwhelmed with housework. Dishes piling up in the sink, furry carpets from my husky who never seems to stop shedding, laundry, etc. Then I made a choice to be more organized and to find ways to enjoy cleaning.

Now I actually look forward to coming home to clean because I know I will get to relax and listen to my podcasts while I clean and because I'm more organized it takes way less time. When you reframe things in your mind to be positive, as long as you stick to it you can usually change it to be your default mindset.

Anonymous_fiend · 2022-05-02T22:12:52+00:00

What do you do for yourself/self care? If you don’t take care of yourself it’s hard to take care of others. Do you hang out with any other adults or engage in hobbies? It seems like you’re experiencing a burn out. Often when therapy isn’t enough the next step is to look into medication. It’s not a cure all but it might be able to take the edge off of things. Also enough sleep, a healthy diet, and exercise not only improve mental health but also energy levels. You can include the kids in your exercise by going on a walk in the park, family friendly fitness classes, and some gyms have free/cheap babysitting. Also seems like your need a new therapist or to try a different therapy approach/method. Is there any shortcuts you can take with housework/cooking? Maybe make a huge batch of rice for the week, use precut frozen veggies, buy some small appliances/machines, etc.

AdventurousBig766 · 2022-05-03T21:28:45+00:00

When I feel like this, I have to take a step back breathe and appreciate everything I have and get to do.

I get to wake up next to my girlfriend everyday

I get to go to work

I get to eat

I get to drink water

what do you have to complain about? You said you have a loving husband, peoples husbands beat them or vise versa, I think trying to look at the bigger picture of it all maybe will help sometimes, maybe medication, only reasoning i'm commenting on this post because I went through the exact same thing, I didn't know what I wanted, till I did thearpy for about two years, and realized I wasn't unsatisfied with anything in the world around me, I was unhappy with myself, and then doing things to build myself up, made me feel so much better, and it had an impact on my partners life as well.

just remember

NO ONE CAN CHANGE YOU, or MAKE YOU GET BETTER

it is something that you must desire

if you truly want that of course, sometimes I found it easier to be stuck in my anger :)

HattersPretzel · 2022-05-03T22:19:09+00:00

You might want to try loving-kindness meditation. Close your eyes, wish yourself to be secure, safe, happy, healthy, appreciated and/or similar. Then do the same for your husband, your children, the family as a whole, then your 'hood, then your country. You get the pattern. Skipping straight to "doing" the person you want to be nicer towards seems to work for me. I think it helps to wish for things that other person wants, this should develop your compassion. Gratitude journal might help as well, it's where you write down three things you are grateful for every day. If nothing comes to mind, sit there until you do find something to be grateful for. No sarcasm in the journal!

Title	I’m at a loss and really want to change
Author	No_Honey1716
Upvotes	10
Comments	17
Date	May 2, 2022 3:02 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ugrmkl/im_at_a_loss_and_really_want_to_change/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-at-a-loss-and-really-want-to-change.1115868 https://theredarchive.com/post/1115868

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