I want to do a complete 180 in my relationship, but i don’t even know where to start.

downtownbrunch · 2022-12-16T16:34:51+00:00

Hi, I’m so happy to hear you’re embracing your feminine energy! As someone suggested, therapy should be utilized to help you overcome your childhood traumas and get to the root of your triggers. It will understandably not be an easy journey so don’t get yourself down if you feel like you’re not living up to your desired feminine nature. Growth takes time.

There are some great resources and good advice on this sub. It’s been said again and again, RPW is a toolbox where you take what you need and leave what you don’t. One thing to keep in mind that’s unique to your situation is that your fiancé is a man who is timid and “goes with the flow” by nature. This is important to acknowledge throughout your journey because it’s very possible you can change your ways to become softer and more feminine, but this doesn’t mean your man will become a masculine leader. Normally when a woman wants a traditional, male-led relationship, she seeks a naturally masculine man who possesses strong leader qualities. If you were in your masculine energy when you met your man, you may have subconsciously selected a more passive partner to ensure you were the dominant one in the relationship.

Do you know if your fiancé desires a traditional relationship where he confidently leads? If he’s your one, you need to accept that you may become a more feminine woman but may not necessarily have a traditional relationship if he doesn’t seek to lead as equally as you’re seeking to submit. If this is something he wants but for whatever reason hasn’t verbalized to you, then he will need to start his own journey into realizing his masculine, provider energy. This is a beast on its own and not anything you can solve for him, despite how much your own masculine energy might want to fix the issue.

I wish you two the best of luck and happiness for your future!

Ok_Obligation_6110 · 2022-12-16T17:04:51+00:00

Have you talked to your fiancé about specifically what you guys want your life to look like? Do you want a traditional relationship where he leads the day to day or the long term stuff? Do you want to stay at home and let him be the bread winner? Do you want kids, and if so, how do you want to raise them?

I wouldn’t say I was in the exact same situation but my husband and I have evolved our relationship more and more over the years where he leads and I follow. Back when I was still working, I found myself leading a lot and getting frustrated by it because I realized a lot of the long term things I was trying to make happen relied on him. He needed to be the one to make them happen and I had to trust him to. We had a talk and decided explicitly how we wanted each other’s support.

My husband is in charge of everything I put into the category of ‘long term’ while I’m responsible for everything short term. Basically, this means when we got engaged and married, he decided when we would get engaged, I planned the wedding and honeymoon. When we decided it was time to get pregnant, all I did was tell my husband I would like to start to start having kids soon, and he told me ‘let’s start trying now’ one day (I still consider this the most romantic thing he’s done, even more than our engagement!).

Like many others have said, definitely seek therapy, but also in the short term start having your fiancé lead. Start with something small like dinner plans, do you always pick where or what to eat? If he’s not great with decision making, have him pick between two options, and make it a point to comment on how glad you are that he picked whatever option he did, and how he made a great choice. Keep doing this with bigger and bigger things, it will give him the confidence to start leading.

yogurtnutz · 2022-12-16T15:24:34+00:00

Read the surrendered wife by Laura Doyle, also consider doing coaching through her program. It is basically instructions on how to reverse these type of situations, although it is very difficult and can take a LONG time.

Also deal with your trauma in therapy so it doesn’t continue to damage your relationships, and lastly take some accountability

RedPillDad · 2022-12-17T05:22:49+00:00

First of all, impressive that you realized your current dynamic was somewhat doomed and understood what you wanted it to be. I'm very optimistic you two can pull this off and make a great adventure out of it.

This is a leadership journey for the two of you. Be assured we all start off somewhat inept in leadership. Look upon it as a mastery of self that you can both explore together.

Leadership is about change, growth, creation and exploration into the unknown. People mistakenly think it's about power, as with a master-slave dynamic. We lead ourselves first before we lead others. We take initiative, make decisions, get things done and progress towards our goals.

Management is about maintaining things so they don't fall apart. Leadership without management is building sandcastles that soon fall apart. Management without leadership is endless drudgery.

Followership is the active partner of leadership. It's enthusiastically supporting the leader's initiative to get things done, often indistinguishable from the leader because they're contributing side-by-side getting those things done. It's not that passive student waiting to be taught; it's not that passive employee waiting to be told what to do.

Your fiancé owns a business, so he's already well on his way in terms of leadership mindset. Think of it as a Captain and First Mate arrangement. Allow him a tiny rank above yours, but it doesn't mean he does all the leading and you do all the following. Some couples really emphasize dominance and submission, personally, I like a more equitable power distribution.

I like that deep down version of you, the gentle, empathic, feminine one. It will bring out the best in your man and he will love you even more deeply. A woman's vulnerability and weakness appeals to a man, it awakens the protective and provider instincts.

You'll be moving from a mama's boy dynamic to a daddy's girl. So he has to step up and be the adult to play that role, while you step back and be the child who gets to giggle and be more playful. It might seem unnatural at first, but do it anyways.

sunglasses90 · 2022-12-16T19:28:30+00:00

Yeah it’s going to be hard for someone to accept that their partner of 8 years now wants a drastic change to themselves and the relationship.

You can try talking to him and seeing if he can join you in the journey. He may want to, but I’d give it a time period. Try it for 6 months and if both of you aren’t happy with the changes it’s probably best to start over.

kayadc · 2022-12-16T15:38:45+00:00

Definitely seek out therapy for your childhood traumas. Also talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel and what you want to change, your concerns, everything. Put it all out on the table if this man truly loves you and supports you, he will remain by your side.

yohanya · 2022-12-16T20:15:37+00:00

You don't think you need to find someone new! The fact that he is perceptive to this change is a great start.

Where exactly do you feel he's falling short? What sort of situations day to day do you find yourself leading the charge?

bridbrad · 2022-12-17T01:56:57+00:00

I don't have any advice but I'd like to say that yes, I relate. My fiance isn't religious and as I've gotten older I've found that Christian values are really important to me. He's a really good man but I do sometimes stress that he doesn't appreciate traditional values as much as I do

Ill-Ad7948 · 2022-12-17T03:14:13+00:00

I want to start by saying that femininity is not cookie cutter for every woman. I would start by asking myself what I need from a life partner. Then I would have conversations with him about my thoughts and vision changing and wanting to become more traditional in the way of masculine and feminine energy (see how he feels/reacts). If he’s receptive to this idea then I would start to change how I treat him, show him more respect, allow him to take up more responsibility, allow him to make decisions, inspire and encourage him to be in his masculine energy, give him opportunities to take on masculine roles, make him feel strong and needed, not focusing too much on how things get done but that they do get done, have more sex (intimacy), etc. If he is not receptive to this and it’s hard for you to do these things, I would recommend couples counseling (pre marital even). I would try all the things to see if the relationship could be salvaged, ultimately if you decide that it can’t, weigh your probability of finding a better spouse in the climate we are in right now. I don’t know your age but your on the right track with wanting to become more feminine. I don’t think you need a complete 180 (I thought the same way) because men and women have different levels of femininity and masculinity some stronger and some weaker however it’s still there. I would become more kind, loving, encouraging, respectful, peaceful, beautiful externally, soft spoken (less profane language and less argumentative), relaxed, mindful/conscious, etc.

No-Communication2087 · 2022-12-17T05:46:37+00:00

Check out Awwlexis on YouTube. She has great content about femininity, which could help you improve yourself and your relationship, and may ultimately help your partner with his masculinity as well.

Maryk5000 · 2022-12-17T08:42:38+00:00

I can relate to your situation. It is typical of those who have suffered trauma to want to be in control, charge since they did not have any of that while being abused. Being vulnerable is hard for most people let alone someone who has been taken advantage of by abuse/trauma. Given you true nature of being gentle hearted and compassionate, you can eventually allow that side to shone through more. It seams like you love each other and want to find a way to be more open, I might start with the small stuff and ask a question that has 2 options and let him decide. If he throw it back to you, throw it back. Let him know that you really value him and want him to choose. Remember, none will EVER step up if you do not STEP back. Let him know that you want a more equal relationship and want to walk the path hand on hand not in front or behind. Explore it in Therapy if you do not feel comfortable doing this outside of it.

marceqan · 2022-12-16T10:06:53+00:00

In my opinion it is not possible. You would essentially be asking your fiancé to be a different person. You say you love your fiancé but it might be the case you see him more as a friend - are you attracted to him and do you respect him as a man? Do you find him competent to be a leader in the relationship? Has he ever expressed a desire to take on a masculine role? You need to reflect whether this is a person you want to be with for the rest of your life or do you just feel safe with him because of your trauma and the fact that this is all you know (since you’ve been in this relationship since 17). I think if you openly ask him to be the masculine one it won’t work, he might try but this will essentially be a performance on this part, which will eventually end and there might be resentment. Perhaps he has chosen you because he likes the dynamic as it is. Finally, are you absolutely sure that you want to switch the roles? People who have endured trauma often do not want to give up control. Others, on the other hand, want to give it up totally to feel safe and protected, which is also unhealthy as at the end of the day you are responsible for yourself.

madewithlov · 2022-12-16T20:02:22+00:00

It sounds like you’ve lost respect for your fiancé because you’re forced into the position of the masculine role while he steps back and is used to playing the more submissive role. Inner-you craves being in the more feminine position because naturally that’s just you! But because your fiancé has never felt the need to fill that position, you did it to balance out the relationship dynamic because there was a lack of a masc-leadership role. You can’t expect him to fill in when you do a sudden 180, it’s not going to work and it will leave him anxious and pressured. What you can do is have a talk with him about how you feel and that you would appreciate it if he took charge in the relationship more often <3

AutoModerator · 2022-12-16T08:37:01+00:00

Title: I want to do a complete 180 in my relationship, but i don’t even know where to start.

Full text: I’m 25 years old and have been with my fiancé for 8 years and have lived together for 5 years.

I grew up with a lot of trauma from childhood abuse and have always struggled to trust people. My past has certainly shaped my personality and made me develop so many barriers that keep me from letting my guard down. I feel like i constantly have a mask on to protect myself, even when unnecessary. Deep down i’m really a gentle, empathic, feminine woman but i come off as blunt, neurotic, and callous.

Because of this, my long-term relationship has developed into the complete opposite of what i want. I’m the masculine one, i make all the plans and call the shots. My fiancé has always been very shy and he’s more of the “go with the flow” type, so it was easy for him to give into this. The older we got, the more i have realized how much i hate this and how much it negatively affects our relationship, but it’s been like this for so long that it feels like we’re stuck and it’s too late.

I love my fiancé so much. He truly is the sweetest, kindest, funniest man i’ve ever known and i’d be an idiot to give this up but i feel like my only option is to start over new with someone else. I feel like the perception my fiancé has of me could never change at this point. I feel like if i did a complete 180 all of a sudden that my fiancé wouldn’t even know what to do or what to think of it. I fear he wouldn’t like it or know how to become the masculine one. I’ve never seen that side of him, nor has he seen that side of me.

Has anyone ever gone through this and come back from it? I guess i won’t know until i try right?

I’m sorry for the lengthy post, i just needed to vent and hopefully get some advice on this!

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Quirky-Ninja4216 · 2022-12-20T12:29:15+00:00

I wouldn't say you are masculine though

Title	I want to do a complete 180 in my relationship, but i don’t even know where to start.
Author	alexkr97
Upvotes	29
Comments	22
Date	December 16, 2022 8:37 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/zn9z3k/i_want_to_do_a_complete_180_in_my_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-want-to-do-a-complete-180-in-my-relationship-but.1143680 https://theredarchive.com/post/1143680

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