Need resources for a friend

Cfwydirk · 2022-12-14T19:05:02+00:00

Here in Minnesota a friends wife was beating him up, leaving his face and forearms with scrapes and cuts. Their son was 9 at the time.

They were living in an apartment. We made a plan which could have backfired. The last time she beat him up, he texted me. I called the police to report a domestic fight, and I was concerned. The two officers who showed up interviewed her first, then interviewed him.

It was obvious she was not touched and he had a puffy face with a couple of minor cuts.

They arrested her. He moved out and filed for divorce. He used the police report to get full custody of his son.

63daddy · 2022-12-14T18:49:29+00:00

I understand a child makes it harder to just walk away. He could talk to a lawyer who specializes in family law.

Domestic violence resources for men are rare, but you could at least search to see if there are any in your area.

INFPneedshelp · 2022-12-14T18:50:01+00:00

Can you offer him a place to stay if he leaves? Sometimes knowing you have a place to rest your head helps

SamaelET · 2022-12-14T20:11:48+00:00

What country/state do you live in ?

Concerning the documentation of abuse, he needs to write down time, place, why, people who were there, the nature and consequences of the abuse (and photos).

Try to get him to a doctor to record the injuries and to talk about what steps he can take to escape the abuse. Better if you can get one or two female friends to come with you. Statistically doctors are the ones reacting the best toward male victims.

Daddy_data_nerd · 2022-12-14T20:13:24+00:00

Have your friend pack a go bag for him and his kid.

Offer him a safe place to stay and do not let her on your property. Also, strongly caution him about getting in contact with her while in your place.

Help him file a restraining order against her, use the pictures and any messages she sent him.

So here's how the day of the restraining order should go. He takes the kids and go bags, meets you at the courthouse, he files the restraining order, and you go to your place immediately after. No detours.

Think of this as an emergency extraction from a dangerous situation. The majority of domestic attacks happen when one party is trying to leave the other.

Chances are, she's going to violate it. It's your job to protect him until the popo shows up.

blackdahlialady · 2022-12-14T23:42:44+00:00

I have studied domestic violence extensively because I'm a survivor myself. I'm a woman but I can help you with resources to help him. I can help you to help him to plan to leave safely. I understand that having a child with her complicates things more but I can still help you some. If you want to DM me, feel free to do so. The only thing I can tell you is that if you're in the states, he needs to check state laws about recording. In some states, they have what's called the two party consent.

This means that anything he records would not be admissible in court. You should also know that unfortunately men are often given the short end of the stick when it comes to family law. I'm not saying he shouldn't get out, I'm just saying he should be prepared to fight hard. Thank you for trying to help your friend. It's funny that I saw this post because I was about to make one saying that I'm starting a sub expressly for male victims of domestic violence.

I have decided to go into the social work field to become a domestic violence advocate, mostly for men. Really further reasons that I described above. I think it's sad that it's almost 2023 and we still have a long way to go as far as recognizing that men can be victims of abuse as well. Abusers often use the family court system in order to further terrorize and control their victim by proxy. It happened to me as well. I have a son with my ex and he made my life a living hell for about a year and a half until he finally lost his rights. Anyway, enough about me. Like I said, if you want to DM me, you can.

Edit: a few words

Standard-Broccoli107 · 2022-12-14T20:18:20+00:00

He has kids so he needs to lawyer up. Tell him to do nothing to aggravate the mother before the lawyer has told him how to get custody. If she beat him he risks his child by leaving.

RoryTate · 2022-12-14T21:19:35+00:00

Unless he initiates things with you to some degree, it could be difficult. Like an addict, any help may just be doomed to fail unless they are willing to put in the work. So my first bit of advice if you don't want to lose your friendship would be to wait for him to make the first move. If you are his friend, he will open up to you again when he wants to leave.

Pictures of injuries without any context won't get you much, and rightfully so. You need a clear pattern of abuse established by a medical doctor, and if you can obtain it, other evidence like recordings. So in the meantime focus on gathering documentation like that when and where it is available.

beeen_there · 2022-12-14T19:18:41+00:00

He'll have to choose between his child and taking it. That's the way the family courts work if you're male.

_BlueShark87 · 2022-12-14T20:48:07+00:00

Maybe setting up a camera and if she clearly initiates a fight and he doesn’t retaliate you can take it to the police and try to have her arrested for DV. You should be able to get custody of your son if she’s a proven DV initiator.

McDondal · 2022-12-14T23:41:43+00:00

I feel like video evidence of an abusive moment always helps in court. Cant go wrong with cold hard evidence

blackdahlialady · 2022-12-14T23:56:39+00:00

I've been commenting but I also wanted to add that you should know that you don't want to tell him to leave. There are many reasons why domestic violence victims don't just leave. Trust me, he's been being told what to do for a long time. Just keep telling him that you're there for him and that you support him and his child. Offer to store his bags and documentation at your house.

Title	Need resources for a friend
Author	lzzbian94
Upvotes	96
Comments	27
Date	December 14, 2022 6:44 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/zlyu86/need_resources_for_a_friend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/need-resources-for-a-friend.1143875 https://theredarchive.com/post/1143875

Comments