How important should (lack of) physical attraction be?

Flat_Shower · 2023-01-10T21:50:44+00:00

Shallow? No, there needs to be attraction. If he cut his hair and lost 20 pounds, would he be there? I speculate it’s more than just those 2 factors. Does his personality show you that he values self improvement? If so, why hasn’t he done it already?

I see 2 routes;

Cut things off. You aren’t attracted to him, and he can’t get there. How you choose to end it is up to you, but as a male, I’ll say that “I just wasn’t feeling the spark, I really gave it a shot, I don’t want to lead you on” is the best rejection I’ve gotten. (All rejection sucks. At the time, it hurt, but it wasn’t personal, and I didn’t lose sleep over it.) If you choose this route, you owe it to him to do it now (and not after another date)
Play the long game. Figure out short term strategies to close the gap. If he can fix minor issues and you can see yourself being crazy about him, and he’s capable of changing those things and open to changing, it could be a worthy investment. You might go on a bit of a fishing expedition. “I’m thinking about doing yoga, do you work out?” Or “Ive been thinking about going for a short haircut. Has your hair always been so long?” To just feel out where he stands on those areas. He might say “I hate the gym and pizza is my one true love and my long hair is part of my identity” or he might say “I’ve actually been meaning to join a gym and you’ve inspired me. I’ve been thinking of going short too, what do you think would look better on me?”

p.s. on behalf of this man, thank you for being so considerate of his feelings. You are a good person :)

beezy__ · 2023-01-10T22:07:00+00:00

Is there any component of psychological attraction? Is there any way he could behave, or certain things he could say to you that would spark the attraction, even if the physical attraction isn’t there? Physical attraction won’t always be there and won’t always be controllable anyway, life throws at you age and illness etc.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-01-10T22:40:45+00:00

You're right that attraction builds, but this many dates in, I personally think you have your answer. If you continue the relationship, you're just wasting your time and his. He can't be that invested this early, so while he might be bummed, don't feel too bad about telling him that you're just not feeling the way you think you should at this point. I'm sure he's been let down easy before you and he'll likely be let down easy after you.

How to break up with someone is so very individual. Personally, I preferred a blow-off text when I was dating, but others want a face-to-face. You're really going to have to judge based on his personality, but a simple "I enjoy being with you, but I'm not feeling romantic feelings and I think I should by now" is enough. Don't go into details about your ex, how he can improve, blame yourself too much, or make it something it doesn't have to be after just a few dates.

kirbypuff_ · 2023-01-10T23:28:15+00:00

Desire is incredibly important. It's what makes you look forward to seeing your partner.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-01-10T23:18:11+00:00

Considering the ex comments, consider counseling or therapy.

I’m not sure you are ready for someone else

Maree70 · 2023-01-10T22:57:38+00:00

Sometimes attraction does develop that’s what happened with my me and my ex I wasn’t that attracted but he grew on me. However that’s not a certain that this will happen with everyone. And that you will start feeling attracted to him. If there is no desire don’t force it . Move on. There are men out there who you would desire and have other great qualities to.

yohanya · 2023-01-10T23:03:06+00:00

If I were really in a rush to get into a relationship... maybe? But generally speaking, no I don't think something like this is worth continuing to pursue. In time, you'll find somebody you're wildly attracted to, and you'll be asking yourself why you ever thought to keep dating this man

rosesonthefloor · 2023-01-11T15:11:22+00:00

There is no amount of “good on paper” or “want to like him” that will make up for genuine desire. And genuine desire does not come from just looks, but who the person is.

If I had to create the “ideal man” in a lab, would he look just like my partner? Not necessarily, but I still want to climb all over him when I see him. It’s about him specifically. And I have dated men who were closer to that “ideal” who didn’t make me feel a drop of what he does.

All this to say - this is something you should not compromise on, in my opinion. Compromise on the things that don’t matter, and you can surprise yourself by who will tick your boxes in the things that do, like this.

But I am also someone who highly values sexual compatibility in my long-term relationship, so if this is not the case for you, take my advice with a grain of salt!

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2023-01-12T01:31:22+00:00

we have a lot in common in terms of values views and long term goals

he has a house and a job with decent opportunity for growth

he’s enthusiastic about seeing me and I feel ok being myself around him

Ok… but do you like him? Sometimes y’all are so robotic in here. Do you like him, or do you just want him to be your sugar daddy/sperm donor?

All of the pros about him are really just about you.

he has a house? So I’ll have somewhere to live
he has a job? So he can provide for me
he is enthusiastic about seeing me? He gassed me up
I feel ok being myself around him? Self explanatory

What about him do you like? Is he funny? Is he kind? Is he interesting or knowledgable? Is he talented? Is he tall? Nice eyes? Is he a good conversationalist? Charismatic? Is he anything you like in a person?

You haven’t said anything about HIM that you like. Nothing about who he is his as a person is in this post.

It sounds like you just don’t really like him.

AutoModerator · 2023-01-10T21:42:10+00:00

Title: How important should (lack of) physical attraction be?

Full text: For the past 2 weeks I’ve been going out with this guy I met on a dating app (4 dates total). We have a lot in common in terms of values, views, and long-term goals. He has a house and a job with decent opportunity for growth. He’s considerate of my wants and enthusiastic about seeing me, and I feel okay being myself around him. I WANT to like him so, so bad, and he’s not unattractive, but… I just don’t feel any desire for him. Part of this is parts of his appearance that are within his control (weight and hair length) but I’m obviously not entitled to ask him to change 4 dates in, but I don’t know if that would even make up the difference if they did change. It feels like there’s a physical component that’s just missing. At best I feel nothing when I talk to or see him and at worst I get this feeling like “mm, now i have to deal with this for the next few hours…”

I hate “wasted opportunities” like this and I told myself I’d continue going out with him to see if an attraction developed since I know it can. I wasn’t crazy in lust with my ex until after seeing him a few times and warming up to him (he had lots of problems that made him unsuitable as a long term partner and my therapist has advised me to stay away from “exciting” guys…) But 4 dates in, I feel like I would be feeling it by now if it was there at all. I will say I enjoy kissing him but I think it’s more the kissing part and not the him part :(

I feel irrationally sad and guilty for not being so into it. Considering everything else he has going for him would it be stupid to end things? Shallow? Should I keep trying to will those feelings to come? Should it not even matter whether I’m physically attracted to him or not?

… and if I should then what’s the best way to break it to him?

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mindyourown_biz · 2023-01-10T23:08:36+00:00

I’m in the exact same boat

youreyebrowslooknice · 2023-01-10T23:43:47+00:00

I feel like there should be a basis of attraction either physical or emotionally. There have been so so guys that I’m wild about and hot guys that make me go meh emotionally. It doesn’t sound like you like even as a friend which I feel like has to be a basis, I would cut him loose. There’s nothing wrong with you for not feeling the same way but it’s only fair that you want to see him as much as he wants to see you.

As far as breaking things off, go to safe public place or call him and just be honest with him. “I like you as a person but I’m not feeling like that’s romantically. It’s important for me to be honest as I really value your feelings, I think it’s best if we don’t move forward.”

Lyri_Winters · 2023-01-11T18:15:07+00:00

I'm in the same situation and I don't really think I can continue...

If the attraction isn't there now, it's never going to be there. And do you really want to be in a relationship without that? I don't.

Miserable-Read7597 · 2023-01-12T02:18:20+00:00

Attraction can definitely develop over time, with more of an emotional connection. A woman’s influence on a man’s appearance, style, health can also be considerable. I think it’s important to consider the valuable long-term qualities and be open to guys that are not necessarily your type (but are still good looking).

Title	How important should (lack of) physical attraction be?
Author	franksheherbert
Upvotes	13
Comments	19
Date	January 10, 2023 9:42 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/108lwy1/how_important_should_lack_of_physical_attraction/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-important-should-lack-of-physical-attraction.1146195 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146195

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