What am I supposed to do about wanting sex?

NoGoodDevGuy · 2023-03-06T20:26:56+00:00

Can you try speed dating? It's not random women since they are there for the same reasons you are. Working full time makes it harder to meet people and that's why things like that exist. Women are people too, fine someone with the same hobby or some other shared interest and you can have a lot to talk about. Have a genuine interest in them and they will notice. If you approach someone definitely don't start out hitting on them. Talk to them first. Ask open ended questions. They may be timid or shy or loud and obnoxious or any number or other things so adjust appropriately or find a better time if you need to

Complex_Experience83 · 2023-03-06T21:09:23+00:00

Man I feel for you. I could honestly read much of this in my own words. I struggle with these things myself too. I’m working on it. Have you ever heard of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy? I read pieces of it a while back. The title says a lot. It’s important to be kind and treat people and women with respect and dignity, but not at the expense of yourself and what you desire. I think being direct or at least honest about what you want with someone is crucial. And it’s ok to not know. Don’t do the trying to be friends and maybe more thing. If you find someone attractive, pursue them.

Basically being nice expecting some result without being clear about it isn’t going to work in most cases.

I’m writing this with a time constraint and there’s more I could say.

Check out that book I mentioned.

debatelord_1 · 2023-03-06T21:35:58+00:00

Similar situation, although I wouldn't describe myself as a nice person. Too honest for that.

I just try to accept that I'm not popular with the ladies and live life on my own terms and pursue goals I have control over.

Don't go down the people pleaser route. It's undignified and probably won't get you the results you're looking for anyway.

BabiesWithScabies · 2023-03-07T01:48:06+00:00

Are you involved in any group volunteer activities? That's a good way to meet a group of people and spend a bunch of time together organized around a project (so you don't have the stress of having romance be the primary objective). On top of all that you'll help make the world a better place.

Coed intramural sports are good places to meet people for many of the same reasons (excluding the "making the world a better place" part)

Sydnaktik · 2023-03-07T04:21:26+00:00

I've never seen anyone agree with me on this one, but I keep saying it. Take that to mean whatever you want: your attractiveness naturally gets really high as you get into your early 30s. So at the very least make sure that you're ready to start taking things seriously and adapte your expectations at that point even if all past experience tells you otherwise. That has been my biggest mistake.

In terms of what you can do now, speed dating actually sound like a good idea. I've never done it myself. I've know one guy that's done it with middling results. I wouldn't expect the best prospects would be found there. But it's almost certainly going to be much better than no contact.

If you're perpetually single at 26 but are interested. It's almost certainly something on your side. Hard to tell what it is or help you with it from an online forum.

But I'll take a shot in the dark anyway. It's what I always seem to do on this subreddit. If you're lucky, maybe it will help!

So I'll say this, and many will probably disagree saying "the Red Pill isn't for me" is pretty much the same to me as saying "being attractive isn't for me". It's true that the original redpill used language that was dehumanizing to women and practically encouraged misogyny to a certain extent. And the modern red pill seems to have decided to only keep the worst parts.

So I'll try and present a non-misogynistic perspective of some of the good parts.

First don't look at these techniques as being manipulative or deceptive any more than it is manipulative or deceptive for a woman to wax her mustache and put some makeup on. You're just trying to give her a good time by being more attractive.

"Holding Frame": The general idea here is that you're like a painting and the frame you've been set in has a huge impact on how good you look. What you do here is try to help her experience life as fun the same way that you experience life as fun. Doing the opposite occasionally will show her that you care about her as a person, but doing it in your frame will help her care about you and feel attracted to you.

"Social Mastery": Just show her that you're able to effectively navigate complex social situation while having your boundaries respected and while still achieving your goals. For example, whether you're the one that organizes the party or you're attending the party, you understand enough about the social situation to make sure that you'll be able to have fun and you'll know how to prevent anyone from taking advantage of you or stop you from having a good time while you're there.

There's several more, but I forget.

And last but not least, this is super important. You don't really have to do these much unless you're going after that 9/10 girl that all the guys rich attractive guys are chasing all the time. You just have to not always do the opposite of it. And I put it in bold because it is really the most important part. With many women, you don't even have to follow the advice, it's sufficient to only sometimes not do the opposite.

I swear, most guys who have trouble with women, they have trouble with women because they've somehow convinced themselves to ALWAYS systematically do exactly the opposite thing that will make them attractive.

It's like you could have a girl with you who wants so bad to find you attractive. But she can't because you insist on doing the opposite of attractive at every single opportunity. You're just not doing her any favors if you do that.

To be fair, that's what I did when I was your age, so maybe I'm just projecting.

sidestephen · 2023-03-07T14:42:40+00:00

Can relate on most issues.

I think one of the reasons about being alone like ourselves comes from not having an extensive social network - friends of our relatives, relatives of our friends, etc. - to work with. If you don't have a large extended family, and you didn't form a huge base of connections during your "drunk college" years, then you're likely to get stuck, and the older you become, the worse it gets.

It's not that women leave us because we are bad material; it's that we don't have the way to even meet them in the first place.

BitsAndBobs304 · 2023-03-07T15:05:29+00:00

All interactions between living beings involve "manipulation". Some humans do it more unconsciously and have developed skills without knowing it and some have to learn. It's ugly but it's life. One of reaosns why puppies are cute is because they can be cared more for by parents and even be rescued by other species. If you give attentions to your date it's manipulation, if you don't give attentions it's manipulation. To not communicate is to communicate.

Darwin42SW · 2023-03-07T05:39:57+00:00

I’m 33, and while I can relate to a lot of that, it honestly sounds like you’ve got better odds than me. The older we get, the harder it is to remain hopeful.

I don’t have any advice to offer, but I wish you good luck.

Idesmi · 2023-03-07T06:15:55+00:00

This is an experience common to many of us.

My female friends say I'm likeable. Still, I am 23 and got no hope to ever be intimate with a woman.

stevetennant · 2023-03-08T16:38:50+00:00

You are not alone. I felt this way in my 20s yet found a lovely wife at 28. I think 80-90% of men struggle in their 20s, and many beyond. You are right on schedule. And sex is important.

I am curious about your family dynamics. Do you have siblings, especially sisters. I also haven’t heard how your father is/was with women. These can have an impact on your worldview and what you may have or haven’t been exposed to about how develop relationships. They can all be overcome through self-development but it would help to know your baseline.

Your comments strike me as someone pursuing sex when that’s not the first thing what women want. I could list what I think women want but before doing that, I am curious to know your thoughts. What’s your awareness or understanding of what women want? Compare your assumptions with platonic friends or girlfriends of your guy friends.

I like others suggestions to get involved in groups, including groups of men and women, to have more social experiences and practice developing relationships. Volunteer. Help other people. Volunteer to build a house, show a girl how to use that hammer. Go on a group hike, and help girls learn to read a topo map. Show you care, have skills. Teach a class to show your knowledge on something you love - photography, cooking, travel, improv.

Get more men friends, some of them will know women. Go out on the town with a buddy with the goal of getting the most (respectful) rejections. More “at bats” for you, my friend. And if you’re not having fun while doing this, look for more fun guy friends.

Again, what you’re feeling is right on schedule to me and totally normal. It’s up to you to take action irl. The way out is to trust and keep going.

AlkonKomm · 2023-03-07T13:53:16+00:00

The average young woman experiences an amount of romantic attention that the average young man NEVER will. Thats the first thing you have to understand. Obviously this is both a curse and a blessing, cause many women don't even want that attention, and they have to deal with creeps and stalkers, but it still means they have a fairly large pool of potential partners to choose from, who have already clearly signaled to them that they are interested in them. Even nowadays most women don't really like approaching men, they want you to make the first move, that's just how it is, pretty much every study or poll came to that conclusion.

You describe yourself as a fairly average guy who takes care of himself, but doesn't really like parties or clubs, or cold approaching women. You also seemingly gave up on online dating.

You have 2 options: A) Focus HARD on self improvement and improve your looks and social status, until you're desirable enough for women to actually approach YOU out of their own initiative, or B) be more active, approach women (both online and irl) until you get dates. facing a lot of rejection and embarrassment, feeling somewhat uncomfortable or creepy, you have to get over that, it just comes with the territory of being a guy trying to date.

You cannot sit around waiting for something to happen. Women aren't going to go out of their way to chase an average dude when they got 5000 unread messages on tinder. (I am exaggerating to make a point, but women truly do get much more attention than men)

DrDalenQuaice · 2023-03-07T00:46:53+00:00

There's women at church

Someoneoldbutnew · 2023-03-07T03:59:42+00:00

chill, go live your best life, I didn't get a girlfriend until I had lots of female friends. do platonic stuff, hikes, food, etc. but keep in mind that female friendship is different then dudes, so you probably won't want "one of the guys" type of relationships. women are all about secrets, men are about power, same thing really.

when you have a few female friends, they become aware of each other's existence and talk about why you're single. from there, one of em decides to nab you. key is to not set off their creep alerts, and thats why you have all the female friends.

edit: after you get the girlfriend, then you don't have any friends, male or female, so there's that.

Title	What am I supposed to do about wanting sex?
Author	onestepatatimeman
Upvotes	48
Comments	43
Date	March 6, 2023 7:30 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/11kb9fd/what_am_i_supposed_to_do_about_wanting_sex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/what-am-i-supposed-to-do-about-wanting-sex.1154236 https://theredarchive.com/post/1154236

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