Abused Men: How Covert Abuse Begins, Part One - The reason this abuse looks "covert" is that it is taken as normal behavior - this is the normal gender script. It's considered perfectly acceptable for women to act this way in a relationship.

ricky251294 · 2013-06-12T18:37:37+00:00

Its incredible how true this really is but either only a few stages, or the woman doesn't actually realize she doing it unless she's very manipulative. This sort of thing annoys the hell out of me, especially when the victim card is played. The worst part is I'm sure if I showed this to any woman I'd be called sexist, hateful and it doesn't apply to them.

KRosen333 · 2013-06-12T18:12:43+00:00

This is incredibly depressing.

It's essentially a 'step by step' how to guide for a woman to ... well, basically fuck with her SO's head. Obviously it was written to help men be aware of the signs of domestic abuse. Really good article, imho.

Tomdowney · 2013-06-12T20:39:50+00:00

Wow, this was like reading a roadmap of what my ex did to me. I've been rid of her for 3 years and still have a general mistrust of dating anyone. The abuse I survived changed me to the core all the while she claims herself as the victim for her next "Knight in Shining Armor"

AlexReynard · 2013-06-13T03:46:19+00:00

I'm reading this, and thinking, 'This is the script for basically any mainstream comedy couple.'

drplump · 2013-06-12T20:29:35+00:00

This sounds suspiciously like a lot of stories I've read in /r/deadbedrooms.

2013-06-12T18:58:43+00:00

The proper response to this is to say, "You don't want a man, you want a pet." and just walk away.

Cyb3rSab3r · 2013-06-12T22:09:46+00:00

I've met women like this twice. Both times they went away hating me. My mom didn't raise me to take shit from anyone, male or female, and they didn't take to kindly to me laughing when I realized they were this stereotype and just turning and walking away.

Arby01 · 2013-06-12T23:18:44+00:00

Rinse, Wash, Repeat and Put Him on a Long Silken Leash.

Interesting, In my opinion a big step was missed here. The "no reason" breakup. The guy is into the frequent sex, drop a "I am not feeling comfortable" or, even better, "I think you need more freedom than a relationship" or any other phraseology that implies that she is being a martyr to the guys needs. Mix and match the reasons and doing this two or three times, especially if the guy has self esteem issues - rock solid control.

cutcoguru · 2013-06-13T00:16:39+00:00

While this article in terms of the build up will apply to many guys, it wont cover all of them. What I found for example was that I was already in a vulnerable place as an ex had recently died in a car crash after just breaking up with her and so mine was able to skip alot of those steps and just used a mix of "noone could ever want you"/"I'm the best you'll ever get" lines whilst using anything at her disposal, including child abuse, as a psychological weapon in her arsenal.

In short while this is a reasonable guide, don't take it as gospel. They'll definitely use sex as a weapon, but the hard and fast rule is they will exploit any and all of your vulnerabilities to control you.

TorontoMike · 2013-06-12T22:19:49+00:00

Yeah that sounded too familiar, I could not finish reading it,

Moving in together she did not like my furniture so it had to go.

Cutting me off from my friends and family, because she did not like them and not fighting and arguing and I wanting peace was more important then a relationship with a friend.

cutting me off financially , I was a student so was not that hard getting angry and jealous if I worked overtime or got extra work creating drama or not telling some one called so then I was "unreliable" and did not get called for a extra shift

The physical abuse was intermittent before got worse when i was cut off from every one she did not hold back and she would destroy all my few remaining possessions .

Was openly mocked by police and domestic assault help lines .

Finally left with no money and a bag of my dirty laundry as my only possessions to stay at a homeless shelter and find a old boss / friend that I knew to borrow some money to take a bus to a another city and live on my mother sofa .

Maschalismos · 2013-06-13T13:28:29+00:00

This article reads like a script to my last, insanely abusive relationship. She convinced me to move in with her and her dad in the middle of nowhere in the desert, got rid of my friends and all of my stuff, and then proceeded to emotionally abuse the FUCK out of me. She had Borderline Personality disorder, and it was such hell trying to keep her from exploding. In the end, she would do things like demand I have sex with her or shed kick me out. Since I had quit my job (at her insistence -yes i know now how DUMB that was) i had nowhere to go except out into the desert. So I had no choice but to close my eyes and pretend she was someone I loved, rather than this truly awful person. I later learned on this subreddit that that was rape.

I even called the police twice when she was destroying my computers and monitor arrays (im a 3d animator, so this was my livlihood). They said that if i bothered them Again, they would arrest me for domestic disturbance/abuse.

I will NEVER try to date a woman again. The stakes are too high in your thirties. Two years later Im still unemployed and emotionally scarred.

chakan2 · 2013-06-12T22:47:11+00:00

Jesus...that to a letter describes one of my relationships...I lucked out and broke the cycle...but damn...wow.

cynwrig · 2013-06-12T23:56:52+00:00

Great article. Bookmarking it for the "Facts of Life" lecture to give children.

Tusse · 2013-06-13T09:19:22+00:00

Article could have stopped at point c), because that's the point where it's obvious that you have issues. For the rest of the article, well, as the old Eagles song goes...

"Victim of love, I see a broken heart You got your stories to tell Victim of love, it's such an easy part And you know how to play it so well "

dungone · 2013-06-12T22:40:41+00:00

Pee on his Territory.

I've had girlfriends just like this "manual" describes. And this part literally happened, with actual pee. The article is very cynical and makes the girlfriend sound like an evil mastermind, but the worst part about it is that all of it actually is considered normal. As in, if you were to actually describe this behavior to someone, they're likely to blame you for it, tell you that you don't really love her if that's how you really feel, tell you that she's being perfectly normal and if you were a real man then you would leave her so that she can be happy. They'll tell you about how entitled you are to expect her to treat you better, how she doesn't owe you anything, how you should really learn to stop pursuing women who don't love you and find someone who does for a change, etc. At the very least they'll tell you that you're both crazy.

2013-06-13T03:10:55+00:00

The 2% of women who don't do this emotional terrorism bullshit are hard to find but well worth it.

racin36er · 2013-06-12T23:48:11+00:00

woah. the parallels.. oh the parallels....

nick012000 · 2013-06-13T10:38:58+00:00

I think if a girlfriend started doing this to me, I'd be seriously tempted to start being physically abusive right back, and that's not a nice thought. shudders, then shrugs Another reason to focus on trying to get a girl from the BDSM community, I suppose; if the power dynamics of the relationship get discussed up front, shit like this is probably a lot less likely to happen.

Lesterhuffmire · 2013-06-13T22:24:16+00:00

This just makes me feel foolish. This was my ex-wife's exact script for about six years. Maybe the sad part is how true he last bit is, about poisoning you for future relationships. My new wife is nothing but good to me, but deep down even now there's a part of me that won't quite trust her. Suspicion and distrust just go all the way to the bone for me now. I half want to learn to get over it, but there's a big part of me that will always feel that hyper-vigilance is necessary.

blueoak9 · 2013-06-13T13:22:46+00:00

I am guessing all relationships would look abusive if you broke down the components in such a mean spirited way. I am guessing most women are not thinking like that even if the relationship is going that way. I am also not thinking the men are hapless victims in most of these relationships either.

This smacked a little too much like feminist victim hood. I am betting many feminist read male versions of this and conclude they were abused as well. In fact I have read feminist DV literature and I felt that way, and I am not in an abusive relationship.

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