How do you perceive male anger?

burpleseaurchin · 2020-09-22T22:34:34+00:00

Anger is always a problem. Anger at its root comes from a place of entitlement and shows a very dangerous lack of self control: xyz should have happened! You should be like x! I deserve y! Why are things like z?

I have a zero tolerance policy for angry men. If they don't direct it at you in the beginning, be assured they EVENTUALLY will. Being frustrated is okay, being angry is not. They MUST be in control of anger as an emotion.

I see the entitlement behind anger as the sibling of what causes abusive men to be abusive. Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft for more.

super_thinker_ · 2020-09-22T21:59:55+00:00

I grew up in a household filled with explosive anger so I am unfortunately desensitized to angry outbursts. I'm working on conditioning myself to identify unhealthy anger when I see it. Interesting question, OP. Thank you for getting this discussion going!

Solaresa · 2020-09-23T01:10:01+00:00

Oh, girl, I feel this. For so long, whenever a man would raise his voice (happens way too often - why are they like this?) I would cower and immediately back down from whatever was making him react like this. If he is that upset then I must have done something wrong! Back down, apologise, let the issue fester for a few weeks/months, then bring it up again and rinse repeat. I worked in a very unpleasant situation where it wasn't uncommon for the older men to yell at and belittle the younger women employees, and it used to terrify me.

I have done a lot of thinking about this, because I hate that my automatic reaction was fear and submission. My experiences largely come from a male-dominated workplace, so this advice likely looks a lot different if it's used in a relationship, however I hope it's a useful starting point. I have a pretty nice flowchart that I work from whenever this arises (sorry, flowcharts don't exactly do well with text formatting, but I'll do my best!):

Ascertain what he is angry about. If it is reasonable, and the level of anger is reasonable (as described very well by Lizzy earlier in the comments, I would say a slightly raised voice is the only acceptable level of outward anger - any kind of physical anger is not reasonable or acceptable) then discuss as you would with a reasonable person. If you have a fear response to a reasonable level of anger in a reasonable situation, this is something to work on with yourself and possibly a therapist to help get to a point where you can treat these as more normal interactions without fear.
If the reason for the anger is reasonable, but the level of anger is not, make yourself a go-to phrase. Mine is "I can see that you are too angry to have a productive conversation about this right now. It is important to me that we work through this together, so let me know when we can talk calmly.". Then walk away. They will almost always try to provoke you into staying and arguing/fighting. Do not engage. Leave.
If both the reason and the level of anger are unreasonable, they lose their privilege of being treated like an adult because they are not behaving like an adult. Another go-to phrase is good here, but you can also just walk away and let them stew in their sulking. My go to is "This behaviour is unacceptable. Contact me when you feel capable of having a productive conversation".
I used to be terrified of these situations, and it has helped me a lot to look at them as tantrum-throwing, oversized toddlers who refuse to engage in adult conversation. Now I find them more pathetic than scary.

Please note that if you feel as though you are in danger, none of the above applies and you should get yourself to safety as quickly as possible. The above advice is only for when you feel it is safe to apply.

fdslizzybennet · 2020-09-22T21:55:37+00:00

I definitely have this reaction as well! It can be really hard to determine what is an acceptable expression of anger from a man and what is abusive since there is an inherent power imbalance in virtually every heterosexual relationship. The power imbalance is definitely compounded by trauma history. Since I've experienced abuse in two past relationships, I have a very low threshold for what registers as threatening to me. Your post inspired me to consider in more detail what's an acceptable expression of anger. I think that a raised voice (but not yelling) is the maximum expression of anger I would accept in a relationship, as long as it happened incredibly rarely. Anything physical, even slamming a door, goes beyond what I would accept. I'm curious what other women's thoughts on this are.

valsavana · 2020-09-22T23:27:35+00:00

Amusement, for the most part. Angry men aren't all that different than hysterical, tantrum-ing little boys and to see a grown ass adult act so pathetic is laugh-worthy in my opinion. My father was a yeller and so am I so that doesn't phase me, and I've known what a miserable little excuse for a man he was since I was a preteen so I've never taken him or his anger seriously. Part of that is a... defense mechanism... you might say? In the most serious physical altercation we ever got in when I was a teen, he shoved me against a wall by my neck and my mother had to physically restrain him. I made sure to grin at him the entire time because I wanted him to know how pitiful I found the "threat" of him. As an adult, I'll laugh in a guy's face if he starts some huffing-puffng-jaw-and-fist-clenching bullshit. I think men, consciously or not, know the fear that women collectively tend to have towards male anger and use it.

Granted, this is for men I know. Some random guy on the street who's lost touch with reality and acting volatile is still frightening.

chateauduchat · 2020-09-22T23:18:14+00:00

I hate almost all expressions of male anger. They make me deeply uncomfortable.

It should take a very special situation to make a HVM visibly angry. Even then, he should react appropriately and channel the anger appropriately for me to consider staying with him.

My father only had a low-to-moderate level of anger expression throughout my childhood. But once, when I was 15, he was yelling at my sister and it made me cry. He promised me I would never see him like that again. It's been over 7 years now, and I have not seen him angry since. I expect the same type of mentality from my husband.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-09-22T23:33:11+00:00

Anything more than a slightly raised voice and I have a panic attack and start crying (but I had a childhood where anger was very often directed at me in a purposefully threatening way). Now it doesn’t even have to be directed at me, it could be some random guy im passing on the street and I’ll still freak. I could never date anyone who was often angry or couldn’t process anger in a healthy way. I find a lack of control in that extremely unsettling

2020-09-22T22:19:25+00:00

I grew up without a father figure or male friends, so I have what I recognize as a super unhealthy view of male anger. I think a little bit of it (repressed anger, restrained anger, etc) is really sexy for some reason, but as soon as it's actually expressed (raised voices, slammed doors, etc) I get scared and start crying.

For me, a man putting his hands on a woman in anger is unquestionably abusive. Anything else really depends on the person. I have a friend with anger issues, for example, who would punch walls and stuff, but would never even think of hurting a woman in anger. It just depends.

Everydayfrwrd · 2020-09-23T06:29:03+00:00

I have dealt with many men with either anger issues or who were immature/passive aggressive and then have melt downs.

I realized recently that this sub has actually helped me a lot with trusting my intuition and setting firm mental boundaries/decisions of what I will and won’t deal with ever again.

I recently had a guy who got frustrated about a miscommunication and he wound up going on a yelling rant at me. Every time I would try to speak he just yelled louder “LISTEN”. I basically let him get it all out, and the next time we spoke I calmly let him know that if he ever spoke to me in that tone again, no matter his frustration, we would not be speaking anymore. It wasn’t a warning, it was legit a fact.

My encouragement to you is that you know that gut feeling, you know what you’re intuition is. We are often taught subliminally that we need to make excuses or allow certain tones, but the reality is- if you really respect someone you won’t speak to them in a harsh tone, you won’t let it even get to that point of melt down.

I’ve dealt with being yelled at enough in my life by immature men, and I’m personally not finding it acceptable for any man to yell or scream at me. These men need to get their communication in check and learn how to speak calmly, respectfully and get their emotions in check.

I highly HIGHLY doubt that you are too sensitive and that you just feel this way for no reason. I think you should trust your instincts.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-09-23T13:50:17+00:00

In my past relationships, male anger was always too excessive/aggressive. If they were a “calm” mad they were usually trying to manipulate me.

The men I’ve dealt with believed that when angry they could say whatever they want and apologize later. But this literally chips away at me until I have nothing left to give.

I def believe we are allowed emotions but when men express them I’m always like 🙄 because it’s always too much. I will not tolerate raging or any excessive bursts of anger anymore. It’s not passionate it’s toxic af and I won’t stand for it.

Title	How do you perceive male anger?
Author	gugalgirl
Upvotes	37
Comments	21
Date	September 22, 2020 5:01 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ixrh3t/how_do_you_perceive_male_anger/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-perceive-male-anger.1194988 https://theredarchive.com/post/1194988

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