Collaborative Divorce?

RideATX · 2023-04-19T19:42:13+00:00

I did collaborative... It was still expensive, the lawyers tried to drag it out as long as possible. They wanted to get a bunch of "experts" in the room for multiple meetings and they didn't really add anything to the discussion. It's nice that you don't have to put your fate in the hands of a judge, but it's expensive (mine cost over 100k because my Ex is stupid and used her lawyer as a therapist which he was more than happy to accommodate). It ended pretty quickly when I said I wasn't going to pay another cent of her legal fees (I had control of the money) we wrapped it up for less than $2500 after that. Mediation is a better option, sitting down at the kitchen table and chopping everything up is even better. It all depends on how reasonable your SBXW is.

RuRu_1999 · 2023-04-19T20:07:19+00:00

It depends a lot on whether you have a high-conflict or low-conflict divorce. Collaborative divorce requires compromise and agreement. If your STBX is angry, and won’t compromise, then collaborative divorce won’t work. On the other hand, if the STBX is reasonable, and willing to compromise, then, collaborative divorce is certainly cheaper than going to court.

Mediation is also an alternative if you have an agreeable spouse

Adventurous_Tie_4464 · 2023-04-19T20:37:11+00:00

Spent in excess of $100k trying to go collaborative. I wouldn’t wish that process on my worst enemy. The mental and emotional toll has left me in a deep hole and still have to find a way to litigate out of this nightmare now with limited funding. I was in a high conflict situation so ended up defending myself against a bunch of false allegations.

The biggest lesson I learned is that people can say anything in a conference room, but in a court room run the risk of committing perjury. Get a lawyer and file and get a trial date as soon as you can. Collaborative was the single worst decision I ever made. Basically get a trial date set and then if the two attorneys want to hammer out a settlement while you wait for trial let them but don’t let them waste too much of your money.

IceDue123 · 2023-04-19T22:10:41+00:00

I guess I had a collaborative one. We appeared via zoom in front of a judge, he set a mediation and trial date. We got the court’s permission to settle, and offered a settlement agreement the next day. We low balled, but I put in that as soon as judge signed she would get 100k. Ex and her lawyer didn’t respond for about six weeks, and came back with a counter that was a little high, but I could live with it so we signed. It sat on judges desk for another three weeks but from initial appearance to judges signature was three months.
What made this work was:

I had a good lawyer who wasn’t interested in running up the bill. Ex paid her lawyer $2500 retaine, but he really did not have to do any work. I think ex’s lawyer realized he was overmatched and didn’t want to be embarrassed. Since my lawyer and I prepared all the docs, I ended up paying about 4 times what ex spent.

I knew the value of all the assets, and got current statements and appraisals to her lawyer so he knew all the numbers. I also knew what was my priorities (my pension) but we’re flexible on everything else

I let m ex take whatever property and furniture she wanted, with the exception of an IKEA dresser that I had my clothes in. She took stuff she wasn’t supposed to, but I didnt care.

We threatened to depose AP and also claim alimony from my ex. I think ex also wanted to settle so she could start playing house with AP.

My ex is lazy, and did not provide complete discovery so we had an outstanding motion to compel, and requested attorneys fees. Mediation would have been pointless because we gave a fair offer, and I wouldn’t have budged since we were missing discovery (but I knew what it was so I wasn’t worried. ) I think her attorney was afraid to go to trial.

My lawyer said she never had a case settle like that, but I’m a former criminal investigator so I negotiated plea deals all the time. I was also in Beast Mode, and treated it solely as a business transaction.

Theres a saying that the deal is probably fair if both sides think they got a little bit screwed.

I hope this helps.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-04-19T23:47:16+00:00

If you have a ton of money tied up in various trusts and investment vehicles and, at the same time already agree in principle with your spouse on “everything” about the divorce, collaborative is probably a good fit. Otherwise, if you’re low conflict and just need to get it done, mediation would be a cheaper route. High conflict, give settlement one or two good shots and then push for trial, always being ready to seize a good settlement opportunity.

dnbndnb · 2023-04-19T23:06:54+00:00

My ex- and I did our own divorce. Or I guess I should say I did it. I got a lawyer who handled all the boilerplate & filings ($3800 total). I did all the asset divisions. She had the ability to have input but I literally did all the valuations etc. I gave her a lower than market value on the house, so she was immediately a bit ahead there. Her jewelry (“gifts”) probably put her another $70k ahead. And I told her the law says she gets half, but if she went out of her way to try and f with me I would ensure she did NOT get half. She didn’t test me. It all went smoothly, lawyer incorporated asset division into boilerplate. From the time she called it quits to court recording was 6 months. We used the lawyer I found, who could not legally represent us both, but whom I instructed to answer any questions she had if she called him. I was civil, she was civil.

A friend of mine blew $125k on his divorce because she simply could not be civil with him. What a waste of money.

Alatornio · 2023-04-20T00:21:42+00:00

Im always shocked to see peoples legal bill totals. I spent $3000 in legal fees to complete everything.

I feel like I won the lottery with that outcome.

It cost me much more to settle though.

Title	Collaborative Divorce?
Author	NC_Geezus
Upvotes	10
Comments	13
Date	April 19, 2023 6:47 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/12s6400/collaborative_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/collaborative-divorce.1214902 https://theredarchive.com/post/1214902

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