I've(22f) been dating my new boyfriend(26m) for nearly 2 months, I'm not sure whether to continue or not, am I being superficial, feeling confused

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-04-27T21:01:53+00:00

Is his height the only issue? If so, you're absolutely being superficial. The man's five inches taller than you. The average height for men worldwide is 5'9". Why didn't you date these men from university? Would they have considered you? What you'd like in a man for a long-term relationship is far less relevant than what you can attract.

I can't know for sure, but it sounds like a couple of things could be going on here. The first is that this guy is really into you. He's coming on too strong, so it's low-key making you uncomfortable. Maybe you're just not as into him and you're trying to justify that. That doesn't seem to be the case, since you're seeing him so often and have introduced each other to family, but it's worth considering. Two months isn't that long. You don't have to be in love yet, but it's okay if you're not feeling it. It's also okay if you're just not ready for a serious relationship.

The other possibility is that you have a great guy who's not the picture you had in your head, so you're self-sabotaging, hoping something more will come along. I recommend reading the book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb before ending things with this guy. Just ignore the title. It really helped me to realize how realistic I was being with my dealbreakers and which ones really mattered.

For perspective on the superficial, once upon a time, my minimum acceptable height was 5'10. My husband is 5'8", only two inches taller than I am, and it matters not even a little bit in our day-to-day. He's handsome, confident, hardworking, funny, and an amazing dad. He waited in the car during every one of my pandemic IVF appointments and slept by my side in a hospital chair for four nights in the ICU when I almost died having twins. Guess how often I considered his height.

You can set whatever requirements you want for the men you date. Whether or not that guy shows up and is interested in you is a different issue. If you're just not into this guy, though, that's okay. You don't have to quantify it, but I would caution you not to end something just because of his height and arms. People are human.

Flat_Shower · 2023-04-27T20:53:08+00:00

It seems like you’re finding unimportant things about him (height, arms) to justify that you’re not into him. I would encourage you to continue exploring things that aren’t working in your potential relationship. I don’t think you’ve quite put your finger on it yet.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-04-27T22:53:57+00:00

Gym focus changes based on committed partner preferences. Anyone in the gym a lot knows it's at least partially for aesthetics, and those can get tweaked. I grew up when the 90's/2000's runway-model-types were ideal and everyone was worried their pants would make their butt look big. But my husband loves the current "gym thighs" body look that's bottom-heavy. Never in my life did I think I'd work on making my calves (along with everything else below the waist) bigger, but here we are. Similarly, my husband had fantastic leg genetics from his dad but was kinda imbalanced as a whole when I met him - and I love arms. They're much bigger now, after a year of knowing each other. I make sure to squeeze them a lot. Both because it's fun and because I want him to know I notice his work.

Thing is, neither of us are scared to tell the other what we like, which is a general marital skill I highly recommend developing if you aren't well-practiced yet.

Height is a weird one. I have a friend on the taller side who, as she put it, wanted to "feel small". She didn't care about the actual height of the guy because she realized what she actually wanted wasn't a physical reality but a mental sensation. She's very happy with her husband who is around average height but picks her up and carries her around.

In conclusion, definitely don't dump someone because their gym focus doesn't include your influence yet, and consider if the desire you have for other features could be more specifically identified as a mental or emotional effect that could be achieved in multiple ways. For example, even a 6'+ guy who slouched and was quiet and not expressive would "feel small" in the way that actually matters. It is possible for physical attraction issues to be a completely valid deal breaker, but usually height in and of itself is not one. As Wife_and_Momma pointed out, it could literally be how overly enthused you perceive him as (not saying whether or not he's actually coming on too strong) which is making him seem small and not self-possessed to you.

MrNifty · 2023-04-27T21:55:21+00:00

It does sound shallow, yes. Imagine if he said something about you along the lines of:

Her breasts are okay, but they're not great. I really like DDs.

If that happens to be you, then switch it out for some other shallow male criteria you don't meet. How would that affect you, how would that make you feel, and how would you perceive him afterwards?

It sounds like you want to be titillated on sight. That you want to just look at a man and swoon. Sure, those guys exist but you and every other woman on the planet is also going to be attracted to him, so you have to be realistic if a man with that many options would actually go for you.

What I didn't see you mention at all are the values you are looking for in a man. What are your core criteria, other than "be tall and strong"? Do you even know?

Because if you had those sussed out and he met those criteria, along with every other box he is checking or you, I would expect that he would generate more excitement for you.

Your craving for excitement on-demand sounds like it could be an imbalance of neurotransmitters. You want a man that hits that dopamine button in your brain, you crave it, because it's the easiest way to get a fix. Your ruminating of past men sounds like the same sort of thing. "Oh, if only I had gotten that sweet sweet dopamine from that one guy, or that other guy".

What's your health like? Do you eat right, exercise and have a good sleep routine? Do you have healthy and enriching relationships outside of this man? What about your friends? Are they positive influences on your life or are they all shallow as well? Do you spend a lot of time on social media like IG and TT? Do you crave the validation you get from those sources? Just some food for thought.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-04-28T00:48:34+00:00

Are you trying to not be happy?

gresondavid · 2023-04-28T02:44:57+00:00

If you're happy with him and have the values you're looking for in a man then why does his lack of height matter? Also, ask yourself this question. Do you find him physically attractive despite his lack of height? Or maybe you're just dating him because he checked your ideal guy in the personality department?

AutoModerator · 2023-04-27T20:36:57+00:00

Title: I've(22f) been dating my new boyfriend(26m) for nearly 2 months, I'm not sure whether to continue or not, am I being superficial, feeling confused

Full text: Hi TRPW. I met a guy on a dating app. We've been dating for nearly 2 months now. He's a great guy, he has a lovely smile. We have a lot of laughs together and get on well. We see eachother several times a week. He's met my mom and she likes him too.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I want this for 100%. I know he's into me alot. He buys me flowers , told his family about me(they live abroad), he even has a family group chat where he sends them pictures of us.

I know that this may sound really bad, but I just have to get this off my chest because I haven't told anyone. He's not that tall. I'm 5'3, and he's 5'8, so he's taller than me, but sometimes I really wish he was a little taller. I really like tall men. Another thing is that I wish he had bigger arms. He goes to the gym and his arms are pretty manly but I really would like them to be abit bigger.

Ughh it has really made me cringe saying all that, hope it doesn't seem silly but this is really what I am thinking.

As well as that, sometimes I find myself looking into the past and wishing I would have dated this guy or that guy that I met at university clubs etc. I remember them and feel like I wish I could have gone out with that guy. Then I feel bad that I thought about that because it's just not nice when I'm with someone else.

I do definitely like this guy I'm dating, but I don't 100% have both feet in at the moment. I'm not sure whether I am being superficial and just allowing myself to focus on things which I shouldn't and instead should be grateful. I just had to get what I'm feeling off my chest as I didn't tell anyone this and I feel pretty stressed about it. Any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

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Morphiadz · 2023-04-27T23:16:51+00:00

I focus more on values, so if he has the values you're looking for, reconsider it unless there are other things that are not superficial that are impacting your feelings. If there are other things, then it is valid, you don't have to be into everyone you meet and maybe he's just not for you. But back on the height topic, my partner is a 5'0'' Indigenous Mexican. But his values are great and in line with mine, and I'll take that over tall or any other trait. It's hard to find men with decent values these days. I would not throw away what I havewith him over his height. At the end of the day, I don't allow my happiness to be determined by superficial things, that's not going to get me anywhere in life.

mistressusa · 2023-04-28T19:38:48+00:00

You are just 22, so you have time and can afford to pass on him and continue to look. It's ok to have superficial standards as well as more substantive ones. Like my daughter (also 22) likes to say "por que no los dos?" You can afford to do so for a few more years.

That said, another poster made an excellent point -- you mentioned other guys from college you wished you had dated -- so why didn't you? Was it because they weren't interested in you? You can have any standards you want but, if you are serious about having a family, you also have to be realistic in terms of who you can attract.

Title	I've(22f) been dating my new boyfriend(26m) for nearly 2 months, I'm not sure whether to continue or not, am I being superficial, feeling confused
Author	Red_rose49
Upvotes	8
Comments	15
Date	April 27, 2023 8:36 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1315uxs/ive22f_been_dating_my_new_boyfriend26m_for_nearly/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/ive22f-been-dating-my-new-boyfriend26m-for-nearly.1217035 https://theredarchive.com/post/1217035

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