Is it reasonable to ask partner to stop lecturing me.

StrangestUnicorn · 2023-05-12T20:46:46+00:00

You made several posts here 8-9 months ago that are now deleted. Is this the same man? You used to be in a sugar relationship, do you still have the same dynamic?

You are a young model and he is a rich dude with cash to burn.

Like with your previous posts, you omit so much information that is necessary for us to understand your situation. Can you describe what is the subject of his lecturing? Is he trying to get you to quit modeling?

ForeverMaleficent993 · 2023-05-12T20:39:40+00:00

It might be helpful if you dont share work woes with your partner if you dont want them to give you unnecessary solutions and just go up to him for a long hug and sink into their energy when you are feeling stressed. Only really talk to them if you want to hear their perspective.

However calling it tough love and that your emotions tilted by his words does concern me. What is he saying exactly? Sounds like hes being harsh or something

No-Line-996 · 2023-05-13T00:59:21+00:00

it doesn't sound like he respects you at all. sorry love but it may be best to cut your losses now before you live with more regret

RedPillDad · 2023-05-13T12:22:56+00:00

'Detect and correct' is a male mindset for problem-solving. Find problems and fix them. Works great on car repairs, building a deck or anything that doesn't involve people. Fault-finding can become a nasty habit.

Once I learned how to become a good-finder my career (Dentistry) took off. Customers and coworkers became much more responsive to my leadership when I first created the context of the many things that were strengths instead of jumping straight to the flaws that required attention.

The Military uses a strategic planning tool called a SWOT Analysis. It stands for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. As a cosmetic dentist, I modified that model for Smile Analysis as follows...

Concerns - What bothers them? When leading, always start from their position.
Strengths - What are all the good things? A checklist approach listing the many components (face, lips, teeth, gums) that were aesthetically pleasing.
Discrepancies - What is less than ideal? What could be improved upon?
Recommendations - What are the opportunities for change?

The framework created the opportunity to have a very supportive and constructive conversation about a very personal aspect of someone's appearance. Putting on my Mr. Fix-it cap and saying stupid things like, "I can fix that snaggle tooth" became a thing of the past.

Where am I going with all this? Your fiancé means well, he's probably just unaware that his approach is counter-productive. It seems his honesty is dialed to 10, but his kindness is stuck at 4. With a little practice he'll dramatically improve his social-calibration and leadership capability.

Secretagenta92 · 2023-05-12T20:48:01+00:00

He doesn’t respect you, love and respect are different things and each person has their own version of displaying love. Tell him that you don’t feel respected and loved when he talks to you like that, tough love might work for his male friends but it doesn’t feel loving to be treated and spoken to as his woman. If he does it again then he hears and understands your point but doesn’t care enough to respect your wishes or your feelings.

AutoModerator · 2023-05-12T20:11:48+00:00

Title: Is it reasonable to ask partner to stop lecturing me.

Full text: I’m 23 and my fiancé is 30. We’ve been together for a year and know each other for almost 3. He’s very smart and supportive. However, he goes into rants that emotionally destabilize me. He tells me that it’s tough love, and that he’s looking out for me.

Those rants make me want to quit my job, and often sends me into panic attacks. The conversations never end up getting heated, as I’m good at controlling my emotions. However, I want to ask him to stop initiating those conversations. I’d rather seek out his advice if I ask for it, but not have him invade my thought process with his ideas - whenever he pleases. He often contradicts himself, which doesn’t make it easier.

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Magewood115 · 2023-05-13T01:03:40+00:00

Preface: I'm so sorry if this doesn't apply and I'm working with incorrect info here!

I had a similar start with my BF, I would complain about work stuff to him, and he would come up with all sorts of stuff and it felt like more of a battle than a conversation. Turns out I had the complete wrong idea about what he was trying to do! Men (broadly speaking) tend to be more solution oriented about stuff which can definitely come across as pushy or tough-love-ish a lot of the time. The work stuff that bothers me is usually emotional and hyper-complex in it's ties to other issues that he doesn't have solutions to, so his natural reaction is to look for one solution at a time which doesn't work to untangle those messes. I trained myself (and in turn trained him to an extent) to offer up the concrete stuff he could more easily find a solution to. It really works for us! He works out the big picture hard concrete stuff which he's honestly better suited for, and I work through the mucky politics of everything else which I'm way better at. He feels like he's helped to protect me and work the problem, I get the benefit of less stress all-round, fewer big-picture problems to handle, and a man that values me enough to insert HIMSELF into MY problems instead of just letting them rot.

MeganFoxsOldNose · 2023-05-16T01:47:03+00:00

I feel like every time I come to this subreddit lately (which isn't often anymore but used to be far more often) there are posts about borderline abusive / codependent situations.

Don't marry a man who knowingly does things that cause you panic attacks. It honestly doesn't matter what is "reasonable." You could be a war veteran who gets triggered every time you hear the microwave go off. Guess what? As "unreasonable" as it might seem to the average person, it's still your right to request accommodations for your mental health, especially to someone like your fiance.

A quality man who loves you will find a way around that so that you're not living with that pain interrupting your peace on a regular basis. Not excuse it as tough love. He's not your therapist or your dad, it's not his place to dole out "tough love" or therapeutic exposure to things that cause you panic attacks. It's paternalistic and arrogant of him to take that stance. Unsurprising, since he met you when you were 22 and he was 29.

Regardless of whether a relationship is modern, traditional, red pill, or whatever else, this kind of stuff is not acceptable.

By the way, he contradicts himself because he doesn't do this behavior out of some sort of deep conviction or from a place of genuinely caring for you. He contradicts himself because his rants are an emotional outlet, and when a person is emotional they're not using their brains. Trying to make heads or tails of his rants will only exhaust you, as he will run you around in circles in order to avoid admitting his contradictions, sometimes bending the basics of logic and reality in order to do so.

And if he's abusive, it might be more sinister than that because abusive people often like to tie people into pretzels just to see how far they can push the person or to weaken the person's faith in their ability to think things through so that they give blind trust to the abuser, and submit to the abuser out of sheer mental exhaustion and surrender.

He tears you down because he's a deeply insecure person. Changing careers every year at 30 years old? I am 30, and I know men like this. He's always got a plan, right? And he's going places, he's working on himself, he's doing big things, unlike you, right? Is that what he tells you when he's ranting at you?

This is not a high quality man. This is a man who sounds unstable and like he might be running from failures or responsibilities. And he found a young woman who allows him to verbally berate and judge her for hours at a time as an outlet for his frustrations about things in his life that feel out of his control. Please understand that the man you are with doesn't actually want you to be stronger, better, or any of the things he might be ranting to you about under the guise of "self improvement." If you ever actually become this supposed idealized version of yourself that he says that you should be, his insecurities will multiply because he already knows you're too good for him. The last thing he wants is for you to do better. And that is why he continues to do things that cause you panic attacks. Because he doesn't actually want what is best for you.

Get a good therapist. Tell your fiance that you don't require tough love from him, only regular love, and that you'd like his support as you embark on working through your anxiety and panic attacks in therapy. Then tell him that your therapist said that these rants and tough love are not helpful, which is absolutely what a therapist is going to tell you.

AutoModerator · 2023-06-29T00:30:03+00:00

Title: Is it reasonable to ask partner to stop lecturing me.

Full text: I’m 23 and my fiancé is in his 40s. We’ve been together for a year and know each other for almost 3. He’s very smart and supportive. However, he goes into rants that emotionally destabilize me. He tells me that it’s tough love, and that he’s looking out for me.

Those rants make me want to quit my job, and often sends me into panic attacks. The conversations never end up getting heated, as I’m good at controlling my emotions. However, I want to ask him to stop initiating those conversations. I’d rather seek out his advice if I ask for it, but not have him invade my thought process with his ideas - whenever he pleases. He often contradicts himself, which doesn’t make it easier.

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Title	Is it reasonable to ask partner to stop lecturing me.
Author	stayathomedaughter8
Upvotes	12
Comments	23
Date	May 12, 2023 8:11 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/13fvopj/is_it_reasonable_to_ask_partner_to_stop_lecturing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-it-reasonable-to-ask-partner-to-stop-lecturing.1219115 https://theredarchive.com/post/1219115

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