I’m not his ideal woman, still should I give it a try?

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2023-07-10T14:46:29+00:00

but now I’m just like feeling like a placeholder or I don’t know, a distraction until his find what he truly wants.

You had ONE date. You are just now getting to know each other. Instead of worrying about wasting time on him in case he wants a different woman you should be deciding if YOU want HIM.

He said he wants to pass on his culture to his children. Why are you spinning it into this worst case scenario where he strings you along until he finds this phantomatical ideal Ukrain woman of his dreams? Slow down.

Besides... you'll never really be a man's ideal woman. I'm never going to be a man's ideal woman. No REAL woman is ever going to be that ideal woman, just as no real man is ever going to be that ideal man... you cannot expect a man to see you as the perfect, "100% what I wanted in my dreams" woman, because you are a real person. What reality offers is different people with different qualities. You need to decide what is a must-have and what is a nice optional. My ideal man would be taller than my husband is - I still chose him, because obviously that was not a dealbreaker, and when dating I was obviously not just waiting for a taller man to show up! In this man's case, a woman not being Ukrainian doesn't seem to be a dealbreaker, so why are you making it one?

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-07-10T14:44:48+00:00

Sounds like you're worrying over nothing, so far. Now is a good time to open a discussion about what kind of life he sees for his kids and future wife. Possible questions:

What does being raised with strong Ukrainian roots mean to you? Is this about food and holidays or something more?
Would I need to learn the language?
Are you completely committed to the US or might you feel the desire to move a family to Ukraine if the situation stabilizes?
Would your parents be bothered by you marrying a non-Ukrainian? If so, how do you feel about this? (Not an issue if he's let go of the apron strings, big issue if pleasing them is still a priority of his.)

Cross-cultural marriages are normal. I'm in one! It's also normal for one member or both members to be very concerned about their kids having a strong cultural identity; it's very healthy for kids. Nothing you've said so far means you should step away now, but a deeper discussion could reveal you two have mismatched needs... Or not!

blushingoleander · 2023-07-10T14:47:46+00:00

This seems like a perfectly reasonable discussion to have with him. I wouldn't suggest saying "I'm not your perfect woman..." rather, ask him what raising his kids Ukrainian means to him? Is culture or faith more important in a partner? Does he view himself moving back to Ukraine?

Listen to the answers, ask relevant questions and get him to draw a picture of the life he wants. See where he is willing to compromise. This doesn't have to be about you directly, you want to know what his aspirations are for family life.

I see everyone so far telling you that you might not be compatible and you might not but remember that we all make compromises and there is no such thing as the ideal partner. You are still vetting him but there is no reason to take yourself out of the running until you get some solid answers about his view points. He is likely testing you to see if you are willing to raise his children in the way he wants. Find out what that really means. Then decide if that is the life that you want for yourself and your children.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-07-10T14:46:41+00:00

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that it's entirely possible to raise your child with strong roots in a foreign culture if you're willing to try. Exhibit A: me! My dad was a GI stationed overseas when he met my mom. As a result, I grew up fully bicultural. It's not 50/50, it's 100/100.

His perfect match could be a woman who's open to a culture that isn't her own -- and since you both take your faith seriously, which is so rare nowadays, I think he sounds like he's worth your time. Why not see where this goes?

ivysaurah · 2023-07-10T15:00:43+00:00

Personally my perspective is a bit different. My husband is Brazilian, I am Jewish American. We have been together for over five years now and are expecting a daughter. His culture will be an influence in her life - arguably a strong one considering his entire family still lives in Brazil aside from him. I am not very close to my Jewish culture and have converted to his religion, am learning the language, and have my in-laws teach me to prepare the foods he grew up eating. We have visited his family in Brazil and will continue to do so once the baby is here. I have children’s books with English and Portuguese in them on the registry already. My husband will primarily speak Portuguese with her when she is growing up and I will speak English to the children so they learn both fluently. It is a commitment on your end to honor this, but it is absolutely doable to raise a family with strong cultural ties different to the ones you were born with. It is just a conversation that will need to be had.

throwaway253025 · 2023-07-10T15:28:14+00:00

As a Ukrainian woman… yes we take our culture very seriously. Slavic people usually have a lot of pride in their heritage and most of us don’t marry outside of our culture. My husband is Swedish and it was a big deal that I married him but he’s been very open and accepting of my family culture. My parents love him. He’s an amazing guy.

So it can happen, but be prepared to learn Ukrainian recipes, assimilate into the culture (it is very traditional, women are expected to be feminine and keep up with their appearance), and depending on how religious he is, you’d have to raise your kids to accordingly. Spending time with family is important.

But he will probably also be a great guy.. he probably knows how to fix things, will be protective of you, want to provide for you and have lots of babies. I’d recommend befriending other Slavic women if this gets serious, perhaps the wives of his friends.

LateralThinker13 · 2023-07-10T20:11:55+00:00

As long as you respect and appreciate his culture - and especially if you look into its merits on your own - then I'd say you'll be fine. Unless he's indicated a preference for Ukrainian women, it shouldn't be an issue.

LoveWitchXo · 2023-07-10T14:29:19+00:00

No. Please dont watse your time on this.

FRB2992 · 2023-07-10T14:38:53+00:00

Can you not raise his kids with Ukrainian cultural values but still American ones too?

Maybe he's not worth it hon

AutoModerator · 2023-07-10T14:05:17+00:00

Title: I’m not his ideal woman, still should I give it a try?

Full text: Long story short, I’m talking to a man I met through a Catholic dating app. We are taking it slow mostly and I’m okay with the pace. We gonna have our second date this Sunday. What is bothering me is that, he has Ukrainian heritage, both his grandparents are from there, his both parents are also Ukrainian descendants and he seems very fond of his heritage, always cherishing it. Nothing wrong. He lived in Ukraine for a while, had a gf there, but they broke up and he cameback to the USA, because of the war there and also because he said she was not catholic and he was taking his faith seriously now. Then yesterday we were texting and so on, and talking about family life and he said that “any family that I raise, I would want to raise with strong roots in Ukrainian culture.” I understand him in this matter, but then it’s impossible to not think that his perfect match would be an Ukrainian woman, and I’m not that. But I’m a practicing catholic just like him and he’s still talking to me, but now I’m just like feeling like a placeholder or I don’t know, a distraction until his find what he truly wants. I just don’t want to waste my time into getting to know someone who sees me not as an ideal, you know? I don’t want to bring this up because this screams insecurity, but what should I do? Leave, because of my own insecurities? But it’s not that I think I’m not good enough, it’s just that it’s a mismatch and I want to quit before establishing anything more?

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Title	I’m not his ideal woman, still should I give it a try?
Author	ins0mniaa
Upvotes	17
Comments	17
Date	July 10, 2023 2:05 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/14vv090/im_not_his_ideal_woman_still_should_i_give_it_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-not-his-ideal-woman-still-should-i-give-it-a.1224884 https://theredarchive.com/post/1224884

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