Tomorrow is the anniversary of when she tried to stage a sexual assault then called the cops to try and get me arrested. Friday is the anniversary of discovering her affair and her officially leaving.

It has been a long, and very, very difficult year. I have never felt so much pain and grief. I never knew just how much something like this could hurt. I never knew what my mom went through when my dad did this to her. It's something you can't truly understand until you go through it. It has made me see who my real friends are.

A lot of good has come, too. I made knew friends. I went skydiving and bungie jumping and bought a seadoo. I've bonded with my kids in ways I never would have. I got a new dog that I absolutely adore. I reignited my faith in Jesus. I'm leaving for El Salvador this weekend to help less fortunate people.

But the pain is still there. I miss her terribly. I miss believing in permanence and security. I miss the illusion that I lived on the side of the fence where bad things didn't happen. I guess this is the red pill. It doesn't have to be angry or mean, but I feel awake now. Like I see the world for this filthy, infected thing that it is.

Our final (hopefully) hearing is three weeks from today. I suspect I will get primary custody and child support, but my ex is conniving and immoral. She will say and do anything, no matter how untrue, to get me out of the picture and avoid consequence and accountability. I just want to be out from under this. I want full control of my own life finally.

I may not have wanted this divorce, or the loss of my family, or for my kids to grow up how I did, but I also wouldn't trade all of the positive things I've gained for a do over. I will raise my kids better. I will protect them from the things I experienced as a kid because I have been where they are.