My friend's behaviour has been triggering redpill thinking

xvszero · 2023-08-09T19:08:25+00:00

Honestly I've had a lot of friends like this, male and female. Sometimes it's best to just move on from those situations.

Especially since, let's be real, you weren't really looking for a friend here. You wanted romance, it didn't happen, might be time to let it go. I've tried the whole being friends with someone who rejected me thing before, and it's always more pain than it is worth.

spiraldinosaur · 2023-08-09T19:30:24+00:00

Yes, you're almost definitely overthinking things. A lot. Read back what you've written and realise how much of what you've said is pure speculation.

You think she doesn't like you because you're not "manly" enough or assertive enough or whatever. But she literally said she doesn't want to date you because you're younger. I mean, it's a really weird rule for her to have, but it happens sometimes. You have nothing to back up your belief that it's anything else, only speculation based on the misinformation you've had from red pill commentators. Ultimately, she just doesn't feel that attraction to you. That doesn't mean you're unattractive, it means you don't match her specific idea of attractive. Every woman has a different idea of what is attractive. You can't evaluate yourself based on the reaction of one woman.

Then you're speculating that she is making excuses to not hang out with you. Trust me, if she didn't want to hang out she wouldn't be making excuses, because she wouldn't be making plans at all. She probably wouldn't even be keeping in touch. It sounds to me much more likely that she's just disorganised, bad with time management. That's a common thing, especially with someone studying something intensive like law.

Finally, you're speculating that it's all a game to her and that she is, for some reason, intentionally messing you around. Why would she do that? What would she possibly get from doing that? She's gone as far as taking you abroad to meet her family. That's not something that anyone would do with someone they don't actually care about. That's significant. This idea that women play games like that is again, purely speculation based on bad ideas that the red pill has put in your head. It just isn't a thing. That's not to say it never happens, but it's just not a thing that's so common that we'd find a pattern of it amongst women generally.

I think the issue is that you're making everything about yourself, and so you're seeing it as personally disrespectful and like it's some kind of targeted harassment, when it's just someone who's maybe indecisive, unorganised and generally just over capacity. I don't think any of it is actually about you, or even about how she feels about you. It's about who she is as a person.

You can absolutely speak to her about it, but it doesn't need to be angry. You can simply tell her that you're disappointed that she ends up flaking so often because you would like to see her but she ends up cancelling all the time. You could ask her what's going on, see if there's something making her life difficult. You can approach this with kindness and concern rather than anger and disappointment, whilst still making it clear that her cancelling all the time causes you problems. It's absolutely fine to say that every time she cancels it messes up your plans, or that you're designating time to her that then gets wasted. It's fine to say you're upset with how she's acting.

So, why not try that?

softnmushy · 2023-08-10T06:29:41+00:00

As a man, most women are going to expect you to initiate romance. It's cultural.

You dated this woman for months and never tried to kiss her, make out, etc.? Of course she got fed up and stopped thinking of you romantically. If you date other women, this will keep happening to you until you learn to initiate sexual contact with the person who you are dating.

Promise yourself that, from now on, when you start dating someone, you will try to kiss her on the third or fourth date. (Sooner is okay if you've really hit it off and she is making a lot of physical contact with you.)

I can't really say what's going on with you and this girl right now. She clearly liked you. But women's feelings can change over time. She may not be able think of you romantically anymore. You definitely should NOT respond with anger to her. She did absolutely nothing wrong here.

I suggest you give her a little time. Then tell her you'd like to take her on a date. If she agrees, you have to kiss her at some point during the date. If she says no to a date, or she does not want you to kiss her when you try, it means she is not interested and you should stop seeing her. Don't be friends. It will be bad for your mental health.

If she lets you kiss her and kisses you back, then she's interested romantically. You should keep dating her and escalate sexual contact with each date. Whenever you start doing something new, make sure she is okay with it before proceeding. This doesn't need to be verbal, you should be able to tell from her facial expression and body language.

CringeCityBB · 2023-08-09T23:42:17+00:00

I had a funny discussion with my husband about emasculation. Isn't it funny that men only feel emasculated by women? You never hear men complain about being emasculated by other men. Despite the fact that men can do some of the most toxic, emasculating things to other men imaginable.

Relationships are difficult. The issue with your fixation is your feelings that this woman, specifically, owes you something. And by not giving you the things you want, you have now decided that this is both a "thing" women do AND that it speaks to your worth "as a man". If a male friend was doing these things, I don't think you'd be so fixated on it. Surely, you wouldn't be bordering on hyper feminist man-hating ideation because a guy decided to change plans and abandoned you.

Logically, I think you need to evaluate why this woman, specifically, is causing these feelings in you. And why she had such a stranglehold on your self esteem.

Your feelings of frustration are valid. Your hurt over being lead on are perfectly valid. But the hanging on, generalization, and resentment towards all of woman-kind (along with resentment towards your perceived lack of manliness) is not so valid, in my opinion.

You don't need a straight answer from this woman. You need to see your worth and move on. And self worth cannot come from others exclusively. Because that is how we can become susceptible to abuse.

sunnierrside · 2023-08-09T23:57:26+00:00

She’s just not that into you. It’s okay. Lots of people aren’t into lots of other people. But you can’t be actual friends with someone you have feelings for. Trust the millions and billions of attempts the rest of us have all made. It will hurt you. It will make you hate her. She will lose respect for you, not because she’s bad or you’re not a ‘real man’, but because there is an inherent imbalance when one person has feelings and the other doesn’t. It’s just a sucky situation.

My advice is to cut your losses and politely find other things to do with your time. If naturally letting the friendship go isn’t possible, just tell her it’s too hard to be friends because you like her too much. She’ll understand. If she doesn’t, then she’s not that cool to begin with. I’ve been on both sides of that convo, and it’s fine. Relieving, even.

But please, whatever you do, don’t try to take broad-spanning conclusions about women or men or yourself from this situation. Or any of the many awkward and difficult situations that you, like everyone, will find yourself in as you figure out yourself and relationships.

You are your own individual person, as are the other men you hear and compare yourself to, as are the women you like, and the ones you don’t. Maybe you could get a girl by negging her, but what you’ve really done is cause someone pain, become a manipulator yourself, and gained sex through false pretenses. It degrades you both.

Real, amazing, wonderful sex comes from finding someone you truly care about who cares about you. From honesty and trust. The sex you have under those circumstances is worth the patience and vulnerability it takes to get there. It’s not something you can “game”. And it is possibly one million times better than the rote performative (degrading?) bangs you’ve been watching.

If you build your own self-esteem the old fashioned way, by doing esteem-able things, you’ll find the right woman. Or women. And probably some others along the way to learn from, so when you do meet the right one, you can recognize them.

bluemagex2517 · 2023-08-09T18:32:01+00:00

During the trip she told me that she wasn't into me because she was a year older

Did you ever tell her how you felt? Maybe you just left it out, but from this entire story it sounds like you've been holding back your feelings from her the whole time. It doesn't take assertiveness to be straight forward with someone. It takes honesty.

Dadgotrekt · 2023-08-10T23:53:07+00:00

Take the PILLLLLLLLLLL

not-a-dude-at-all · 2023-08-11T05:52:34+00:00

Was in basically same situation in my first ever relationships in my early 20. At some point I had to directly ask her what's going on and didn't get clear answer. So I broke up. At least I got some experience, learned what to avoid, how not to behave and that having a girlfriend isn't outside of my reach. Being single is better than be in bad relationships.

Edge0fZero · 2023-08-11T08:41:59+00:00

The first thing I want to say is that it’s okay to feel anxious. It’s okay to want to be respectful and take things slow. You know what’s unmanly? Behaving without consideration for your feelings and the feelings of others. Only a coward acts without considering the humanity of other people.

That being said, you made two mistakes with this woman.

1.) You (from what I read) failed to be honest about your intentions.

2.) You’re letting your own baggage color your perception of how she feels.

There’s a difference between being honest about your interest, and being disrespectful. When I was younger I also didn’t know the difference, and because I was afraid of being rude or boorish, I never learned to express my interest in a healthy way. But know this - there’s nothing wrong with politely flirting, doing your best to read social cues, and making mistakes is part of the process. The next time you talk to a woman you’re interested in, continue to be polite. But don’t be afraid to express your interest and see if she’s receptive. If you talk to her for an extended amount of time in a friendly way while giving her zero clue you’re into her beyond being friendly, she’s going to assume you want to be friends.

I don’t think she’s flaking on you because she’s conniving and wants to manipulate you/she has some evil plan. I think she feels a little awkward and isn’t sure how to handle it. But let’s do a thought experiment. What if she was doing this to fuck with you?

Leave. Block her and move on.

If she’s really being mean intentionally cut her out of your life. It’s that simple.

Title	My friend's behaviour has been triggering redpill thinking
Author	Brighr51
Upvotes	7
Comments	10
Date	August 9, 2023 6:13 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/15mmxfs/my_friends_behaviour_has_been_triggering_redpill/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/my-friends-behaviour-has-been-triggering-redpill.1228077 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228077

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