Husband hurt my feelings and I can't let it go

Deliaallmylife · 2023-08-15T16:52:06+00:00

You made a bid for comfort and he didn't respond the way you had hoped. I completely understand why this was upsetting.

First, pep talk: you have four babies so you know that to some degree, the weight comes off when the weight comes off. Being 10 pounds over your desired weight at one year old with broken sleep patterns (that I'm sure you are still dealing with) AND while still breastfeeding is pretty normal. The fact that it's not all gone yet is by no means a reason to be discouraged. Hell, a couple of those pounds are probably in your boobs alone!

And of course you will feel insecure if you are wearing clothes that don't fit you well. Too big or too small, if you don't find your clothes flattering to your body you will look in the mirror and feel bad about yourself. I think it makes a lot of sense to get some stuff that you feel good in.

Further, if you don't think you look good in your clothes, then perhaps you don't and his disappointment is focusing on the wrong thing. He's thinking that you need to lose more weight because what you are wearing is unflattering. True or not, I think you need to feel good about yourself right now and if a few outfits does the trick, then fantastic!

I also agree with /u/ArkNemesis00 that making your statement in a different way could have invited a different response.

Other than this instance, how is your sex life? Is he lusting after you and this is a one off comment that hit you in a bad way, or is his overall attention and attract to you down?

RedPillDad · 2023-08-15T18:51:50+00:00

I get that you're hurt by his comment. After all, it's his opinion that matters to you more than anyone else's. I can safely say, he didn't mean to knock down your self-esteem when you were looking for his reassurance.

This is similar to when a woman walks down the staircase prior to a big night out and asks her husband, "How do I look?" I soon learned that my wife didn't want a straight answer to such a question, she wanted a boost to feel confident and in order to have a great night.

You wanted your husband's reassurance that you were still beautiful and he still loves you.

From what you shared, you're crazy about your husband, he's crazy about you. This is just a misunderstanding. Just as he's not just a wallet to you, you're not just a hot piece of ass to him. Your physical beauty certainly doesn't dictate your value in the relationship, and will probably become less of a factor the longer you stick together.

Do you want to grow old together? You're going to accumulate wrinkles, flab, sagging, stretch marks and such along the way. I can't speak for every man, but when I look at my wife of 40+ years, I still see the adorable, feminine cutie she was when we first met. It's like a version of beer-googles where she always looks attractive to me. She really appreciates that I still see her that way.

The captivation of physical beauty doesn't last. Part of my wife's attractiveness is that she remains feminine, respectful and loyal. Those are sustainable qualities. Without them, her 'spell over me' might break.

Here's another secret. A man learns from your responsiveness. He wants to please you but it can be hard to read a woman's responses. Consider he does something and gets a response from you as follows...

A - joyful
B - nothing
C - irritated

It won't take him long to do more of A and less of C. The problem is that a lot of women seem to be stunted on joy and stuck on irritated. Finding a woman capable of a genuine joy response (that doesn't involve buying them shit) seems rare these days. Not saying this applies to you, but do you ever get stuck on irritated? Hard to live with someone like that.

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-08-15T14:09:12+00:00

So, it sounds like you respond well to positive motivation and poorly to negative motivation. I'm the same way, I find the latter very deflating. It seems like you looked to him for external validation and encouragement, but it hurt more than it helped. Next time it might be better to rely on yourself when you already have a decent handle on your outlook.

If you had said "I want to get back to my pre-baby weight and purchasing some new clothes to feel good about myself will help motivate me," I think his response would've been different.

I had a similar situation where I felt like I had adequately and reasonably stated my expectations only for my husband to weigh in with something pessimistic and unhelpful. There was also sort of a miscommunication there - I didn't feel like he got what I was trying to say. We talked about how much he values honesty but that there can be different ways to express the same thing (I don't think you can do it vs it's very difficult to do vs I'd be so impressed if you could pull that off). We also talked about how it's good to be mindful of the goal of your words - if you want to say something critical, but don't really think the person's actions need to change, then it's probably best not to say it.

I think the best thing to do about what he said is to say that it's left you very insecure and you'd like for him to tell you he's attracted to you. You can repeat this request a couple times.

Then you have to do the difficult task of remotivating yourself. But if you got there once, you can do it again.

littlestircrazy · 2023-08-15T17:58:33+00:00

Remember that you both are on the same team here!

You both want you to look, feel, and be healthy. And you both know that the current state doesn't provide that.

(I don't know if the 10lb you want to lose is necessary because you're overweight or because you know that weight makes you feel the best, but I'm going to assume that you're not setting yourself up for failure by trying to achieve an unhealthy weight for the sake of appearances.)

Getting the clothes now regardless of where you may be in the future seems like it will help you in many ways. It will allow you to stop stressing about what to where and whether you're wearing something inappropriate (too small) or impractical (too big). It could make you feel better about your current self. It will allow your mind to focus on other things other than looks.

As we age, losing weight is harder - metabolism slows. As we give birth, so many factors fight against us losing weight -- we need so many calories to feed both us and the baby, hormones tell your body to store that fat for later so it can continue to feed both us and baby. Stress and lack of sleep force our bodies to store fat as well, since those are signs to it that lack of food may be coming. Loss of muscle during the recovery period means any exercise

You're fighting all of that and more while trying to lose weight.

I think self acceptance is a great first step to understanding that.

The second step is starting to remove those barriers that make weight loss hard. Prioritize your sleep, destress (take on fewer tasks, practice meditation, practice self care including wearing clothes that make you feel good).

I would then focus more on eating healthier without worrying about calories and lifting weights/doing body weight exercises. This will allow you to intake the calories you need while still feeding your baby, while gaining muscle needed to help make losing weight easier when you do start being able to cut back on calories.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with the reaction that you got from your husband. I really hope you guys can work this out, because it definitely sounds like you're on the same team here!

sicrm · 2023-08-15T16:48:39+00:00

sometimes things slip out before the brain can stop it.

he apologized and didn’t have issues with you ordering clothes. try to focus more on the positives.

jazmine_likea_flower · 2023-08-16T05:14:11+00:00

I love reading stuff like this so when I get attacked for saying I’m holding off on marriage and kids I know I’m not crazy… imagine sacrificing your physical/ mental health to give a man 4 children and this is the way he choices to speak to you after everything…. Couldn’t be me. OP you’re not crazy or emotional. You’re husband just shows you that he takes your for granted

BecomingABetterMan1 · 2023-08-15T16:25:51+00:00

I'm trying to be nicer to my body and I want to get some new clothes now instead of continuing to wait until I'm back to my pre-baby weight. And that I might never get back there, that this might be as good as it gets.

Okay so I really dislike this conversation, from a man's perspective. I've had it with my wife. Lets assume she says exactly what you said.

What I hear is "I don't want to put in the effort to lose the baby weight, so I'm going to spend money on clothes that will make me like the way I look more. But also if I lose the weight, none of those clothes will fit so I just wasted money to temporarily feel better."

Weight loss isn't a lottery ticket, and it's not rocket science. Eat more lean protein and veggies, reduce unnecessary carbs, remove all liquid calories, and NO fast food. Going on walks, exercising, and just being active all help.

He didn't mean to hurt your feelings by what he said, but I don't think you understand that your initial comment hurt his feelings too. He just can't say that. He wants you to take care of your body... we're visual creatures. He likely also doesn't want to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes that make you pretend that you're okay with the way your body looks, when you aren't okay with it.

I don't care if I get downvoted to oblivion, it's likely to happen because I'm a man talking about a woman's post-baby weight. But the truth of the matter is, that 10lbs really isn't a lot of weight to lose, and you will actually feel better if you lose the weight - as opposed to you spending money on clothes that make the weight less visible.

My wife and I got into many arguments over this. Eventually, she just lost the weight and is happily getting rid of thousands of dollars of clothes she didn't want to buy in the first place - because she thought that the clothes would make her like her body more. They didn't. And I think you are headed for the same destination.

Good luck on your weight loss, and my apologies if this comes off dickish - I may or may not meet that description, but my hope is that you end up liking the way you look regardless of the clothes you're wearing.

AutoModerator · 2023-08-15T13:32:39+00:00

Title: Husband hurt my feelings and I can't let it go

Full text: Obligatory "we usually have a great relationship, blah, blah". Married 11 years, 4 kids.

I was telling him last night how I'm trying to be nicer to my body and I want to get some new clothes now instead of continuing to wait until I'm back to my pre-baby weight. And that I might never get back there, that this might be as good as it gets. And he said, "that would be disappointing". And he says he was joking but I don't think he was.

I don't think he's disgusted by my body. I don't think my body is disgusting. I'm ten pounds from where I want to be, but I'm 38 now and the baby only just turned one.

I think it's really a clash between self-acceptance and self-improvement. But I'd been trying to feel gratitude for my body and all it's done - carrying and birthing and feeding our four amazing kids (still feeding the baby). And I'd like to lose some weight and be stronger, but even if I do, my clothes might not fit the way they used to. My stomach might always stick out a little bit and that's okay. I can dress myself well and feel good about myself anyway. I can do it now. I don't have to keep waiting until I'm at a certain weight to enjoy dressing myself again.

But I didn't say all that. And I think he heard I'm just going to give up. But even if that were true, is that so bad? Does he really think I'm so unappealing now?

I cried. He apologized. And he did encourage me to order a bunch of stuff from old Navy but I'm feeling so discouraged and demoralized.

Laura Doyle says vulnerability creates intimacy but I don't feel intimate. I feel hurt and like I want to withdraw and put up walls to protect myself.

What can I say to myself to get over this?

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ChamomileMist · 2023-08-15T16:05:22+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Husband hurt my feelings and I can't let it go
Author	somedayimight
Upvotes	53
Comments	32
Date	August 15, 2023 1:32 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/15rsv6t/husband_hurt_my_feelings_and_i_cant_let_it_go/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/husband-hurt-my-feelings-and-i-cant-let-it-go.1228534 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228534

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