Fiance Doesn’t Support Career

sapphirexoxoxo · 2023-08-26T00:22:06+00:00

I read that he wants you to “work at home while raising the kids”. I’m going to burst his bubble, unfortunately… you can’t. You will have meetings, you will have projects, you will have work - things that laugh in the face of a teething baby or a toddler getting into everything or pre-school drop offs. Also, most Wfh companies (especially in the IT sector, which my husband is in, so I know a little about it) have rules about being full time childcare while working from home. To me, it sounds more controlling than it does helping you lead a great life together. He should want you to be happy.

Arya: edited “about having” to “about being”

flower_power_g1rl · 2023-08-26T09:09:31+00:00

Hey girl, I am in STEM. Regardless, I believe you shouldn't risk changing your career just because your partner is not supportive of it. The only reason I would encourage anyone to chose STEM is if they are absolutely obsessed with science. Otherwise, people tend to drop out.

When I kept reading, I found you said you were depressed and burnt out. This is absolutely an SOS. Now is not a time for you to consider doing even what others expect you to be doing. You need to take care of your mental health, first. You need to have a solid plan how to recover from the burnout. It is probably going to take a lot of time & trial and error, but I assure you a lot of aspects of your relationship are going to improve once you put your mental health first. Most importantly, something you cry just thinking about is not something you should be doing. Life is too short, sister.

Once you start to actively work on beating/preventing burnout, he will admire you more and his expectations of you might change. If your personal health and happiness override his culturally-conditioned fears, you know you are with a winner of a man. It is hard when two people are from different cultures. We find ourselves having to let go of things we have previously known.

I pray for you that you sort this out, your health and passion return, and that your fiance's admiration for you trumps his any fear.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2023-08-25T23:57:02+00:00

If you don't like computers, but do like working with people, then I don't think you should go into IT.

Is there anything else he would be OK with?

Strange-Novel-1710 · 2023-08-26T11:18:57+00:00

Burn-out must be taken care of first. And second, if he is a true captain and you fully trust him, then you can ask him for help. You can logically express you desire to meet his needs and desires, you are putting your all into this, and you are so overwhelmed and really need his help. Put the ball in his court. List out your concerns of WFH, STEM, childcare + work. Ask him to show you his own evidence and % chance you'll be able to WFH with certain degrees, whether you're reasonably capable of STEM while doing wifely duties, exactly what kinds of jobs he sees having childcare. Get the nitty gritty details of how many hours they work at home, expectations of childcare and housecare, % he will contribute. Oh and get info on average sleep babies get, time it takes to care for them, how intensive the first year is, etc., if he is on cloud 9 thinkin its a breeze.

Find opposing evidence for business degrees that make good money.

And ideally you may find a compromise, like working part time, getting a 2 year STEM degree, or a more challenging business degree, or he volunteers to do more of your wifely duties while you do work + school.

Plenty of 2-year degrees you can get that pay well, and will step you into the 4-year uni if you need and still desire to.

Have you looked up degrees you can get at a 2-year college? An Accountant or Construction Management, plenty of STEM options, or getting a business degree meant to work for a STEM company like Operations Management. A Finance degree is business but another mid-tier option. Lots of unique ones in medical field. You can look up fields that have a low supply now, they'll pay well.

Lastly, choose a good time to talk. Right after work probably bad idea. My husband is super intense right after to the point of tears, but if I give him dinner + space + massage, use only I FEEL -- I feel so overwhelmed, I feel like I'm failing, I feel desperately tired, then he is very receptive and helps a lot if he sees my heart wants it but I don't have any more capacity to add to my plate.

Also may be good to see why he is so fearful with money, usually a childhood thing, and if you can respect and acknowledge that, he can feel supported.

AutoModerator · 2023-08-25T22:45:09+00:00

Title: Fiance Doesn’t Support Career

Full text: Hello RPW,

I am coming here with a question that seems to be a little bit the opposite of others. My fiancé doesn’t support my career and he wants me to go back to school to get a degree. I have no issue with getting a degree, since it will only benefit me, but he seems to have a list of what is acceptable vs non-acceptable for me to pursue (ie an arts-focused degree is a no, vs something in STEM being an automatic yes due to the high income threshold and level of stability.)

We are both in our 30s, he is in IT and I work in the entertainment and hospitality sector. We are in a HCOL state. I have no college debt and I’m grateful to work for a company that is willing to pay for my college. I’m struggling to find a good school that will accept me, however, as I don’t have the credits needed to be able to qualify for transferring to the colleges I want. This has created an extreme amount of stress and tension between us. His fear is being a single-income household, which I understand completely and agree. I can promote within my job, but he dislikes that I’m in the entertainment and hospitality sector and he is consistently pushing me to look into STEM and wfh-specific degrees that I can utilize once we have small children. I hate tinkering away on computers. I like working with people and being creative.

I am at a loss. He is distant, I am depressed. All I do is work, I am burnt out, I have no passion for any of my hobbies, and now I’m trying to get into a good school so that I can study full time on top of my full time job. I’m basically being told what I can do vs what I can’t do to shoulder my portion of our future income together, and I just don’t know what to do anymore or how to approach it with him in a way that showcases the love and respect I have for him. This has come up three times with me in tears, and I don’t know if it’s something to swallow and simply push through like millions of others do daily.

Thank you for reading.

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I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Neither-Expert9697 · 2023-08-29T11:43:48+00:00

I’m not from what I assume is the US but expecting you to both be the main caregiver/a SHAM as well as working full time is extremely rude and unfair. Men and women are different, and we as women are more driven by our feelings. I would never ever take a job I imagine wouldn’t be right for me just because of a high salary. It’s a set-up for further burnout and depression. You work to live not the other way around. I would confront him on why he expects this of you. Ask him if he could see himself working full time and take care of children full time. He need to change his mind. I rarely advice people to leave/get a divorce but this just sounds so cruel towards you. That’s not love from his side.

AutoModerator · 2023-08-29T14:43:17+00:00

Title: Fiance Doesn’t Support Career

Full text: Update/Edit: Thank you to all who have offered kindness and advice. After a lot of talks, I have learned that he would not expect me to work full time AND be a mom full time. If anything, we would have a nanny.

I am still struggling to get him to understand burnout and how it affects me in regards to school and choosing to work in a field simply for the high-pay and benefits. But I have increased my self-care and the days are becoming a little more manageable, so I would like to offer many thanks to those who have responded thus far.

—

Hello RPW,

I am coming here with a question that seems to be a little bit the opposite of others. My fiancé doesn’t support my career and he wants me to go back to school to get a degree. I have no issue with getting a degree, since it will only benefit me, but he seems to have a list of what is acceptable vs non-acceptable for me to pursue (ie an arts-focused degree is a no, vs something in STEM being an automatic yes due to the high income threshold and level of stability.)

We are both in our 30s, he is in IT and I work in the entertainment and hospitality sector. We are in a HCOL state. I have no college debt and I’m grateful to work for a company that is willing to pay for my college. I’m struggling to find a good school that will accept me, however, as I don’t have the credits needed to be able to qualify for transferring to the colleges I want. This has created an extreme amount of stress and tension between us. His fear is being a single-income household, which I understand completely and agree. I can promote within my job, but he dislikes that I’m in the entertainment and hospitality sector and he is consistently pushing me to look into STEM and wfh-specific degrees that I can utilize once we have small children. I hate tinkering away on computers. I like working with people and being creative.

I am at a loss. He is distant, I am depressed. All I do is work, I am burnt out, I have no passion for any of my hobbies, and now I’m trying to get into a good school so that I can study full time on top of my full time job. I’m basically being told what I can do vs what I can’t do to shoulder my portion of our future income together, and I just don’t know what to do anymore or how to approach it with him in a way that showcases the love and respect I have for him. This has come up three times with me in tears, and I don’t know if it’s something to swallow and simply push through like millions of others do daily.

Thank you for reading.

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Title	Fiance Doesn’t Support Career
Author	sailorcrystal
Upvotes	12
Comments	25
Date	August 25, 2023 10:45 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/161dqcx/fiance_doesnt_support_career/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fiance-doesnt-support-career.1229750 https://theredarchive.com/post/1229750

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