Worried about her mental health

Bigworm666999 · 2023-09-12T20:53:05+00:00

The best thing about divorce is that no matter what happens to her, it's no longer your problem. My ex went completely off the deep end after the divorce. I mean COMPLETELY... She started drinking, got fired from her job, moved 5hrs away, became abusive to our child, coerced my child into calling CPS on me, has an alternate personality (WITH A NAME!!!) that she uses as the scapegoat for the abuse. When she hit the kid or broke items purposely in the home, she would apologize to my daughter and blame it on Simon, her alternate personality.

There isn't much I could do from here but therapy helped the kid understand what she was going through was not normal or healthy. Fast forward to today.... My kid lives with me full time, hasn't seen her mom in at least 5 months. She can make the 5hr drive to spend the day drinking at the beach with her friends, but she can't find time to see her kid... (I live at the beach)

Best I can tell you is crazy is going to crazy. When she's not your wife, she's not your problem.

WillyT_21 · 2023-09-12T19:34:45+00:00

If your mind is made up then move forward. If it's not then don't........but don't do the back and forth. Trust me......rip the bandaid off and move forward because it's always going to be something. This is where women are better than men......when they make up their mind it is over.

justme4556 · 2023-09-12T20:27:36+00:00

I have a borderline as a spouse. In my own non professional opion. It won't get any better. It just gets worse. I wasn't put on this earth to be a emotional punching bag, and/or a atm. I actually have a plan in place if she actually decides to punch her own ticket. It unfortunate but her mental issues are hers. I am not qualified to deal with them. Nor should I have to. If she calls or I get evidence she is going to do it. I am calling the police and asking for a welfare check. Waiting for the new year is smart. I am (tax reason). But I have put a zero hour date for myself. It gets filed on this date. No excuses, no waiting. It is filed and hell cometh if need be.

wolfstar76 · 2023-09-13T09:56:04+00:00

This is a hard one.

But one of the hardest things I've had to learn in my own struggles with mental health is that each of us is responsible for our feelings, our mental health, and our actions.

Outside of my formative/teenage years this has actually been pretty easy to apply to myself. If some random on the street is having a shit day, and calls me an asshole, it doesn't bother me, because I don't value his opinion, and don't internalize it. Eventually I realized the same is true for people who's opinions I DO care about. If they call me an asshole, I don't get mad and think I'm actually an asshole.

I instead want to understand why they feel that way, and feel bad for whatever actions (or my half of a misunderstanding) got them feeling that way.

I've had a much harder time applying this same truth to other people. I've felt responsible for wanting to not make them feel shitty.

It took years of introspection and therapy to start to apply the same truth to others. To realize that if I think you're an asshole, or that I need something you can't give me - that this is me simply acknowledging what I think, feel or need - and that it doesn't establish any objective truth about you.

What's more, hiding my feelings or needs. Or not taking actions I need (like filing for a divorce) doesn't just make me miserable, it robs the other person of agency.

They can't make informed decisions about how to act in life/in our relationship - because they don't have factual information about my wants, needs, and feelings. It means I'm manipulating them - however benevolently - because I find that "nicer" (or less conflict-laden, or uncomfortable) than being my whole, true self and letting them adjust accordingly.

Your heart is in the right place, OP. You don't want to see someone you have cared about spiral.

But that isn't your call to make, or your burden to bear.

It's up to your STBX to face reality, and to handle it to the best of their ability.

Don't be an asshole about it, don't kick people while they're down... but don't rob them of the freedom to make their own choices in life either.

Even if you're pretty sure they're gonna make shitty choices.

Think of it this way. If the STBX took out anger and depression on you, you'd (hopefully) find it frustrating, right? It isn't your fault she's dealing with things poorly. She can't blame you out of the blue, right?

So...why is it okay to assume that her mental health is going to be your problem?

If you can be friends post-divorce (it's hard as fuuuuuck), and you have the capacity to be a support, that's one thing.

But...you gotta be able to care for you first. Then, if asked, and interested/capable in being a support, you can make that choice.

But sometimes, friend? Sometimes we have to let go and watch those we've cared about make bad decisions or suffer through their problems.

It can hurt, but it isn't our responsibility. Keep a healthy perspective, and a healthy distance.

You got this.

Besides...maybe she'll surprise you. Sometimes these big shake-ups force us to get help we've needed for a long time - and then we start to live better lives, not worse ones.

Do what you need to do. Hope for the best along the way.

Good luck.

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-09-13T10:04:37+00:00

You can’t make her happy by sacrificing yourself or your happiness. File and then “try” and rally her family and friends to support her. It may not be possible but you will take the high ground by trying.

Longjumping_Proof_43 · 2023-09-12T23:52:16+00:00

Your obviously going to feel some type of way about her. Realize that caring for a person's well being is fine, but if it's not mutual it serves only one person. My ex is bipolar, cheated, lied, used me to pay bills, ect. I had to realize that I will love that person I fell in love with, but that person isn't there anymore. She became someone else and that someone else is not a person worthy of what I have to offer. There is no shame in feeling like you want to help. You're a man, that's what we do. Keep your head up and know that wanting to help isn't a bad thing, but you can't help those who can't help themselves.

suzuki2stroke · 2023-09-13T19:53:43+00:00

If you're still thinking about all that you're not ready for a divorce. If you're done you're done, can't be worrying about her anymore. What she does and happens to her after is on her. No longer any of your business or concern.

Title	Worried about her mental health
Author	inevitable-artist82
Upvotes	3
Comments	16
Date	September 12, 2023 6:45 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16gzfl7/worried_about_her_mental_health/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/worried-about-her-mental-health.1231567 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231567

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