So lucky 13th of November was my 1 year divorce anniversary. Together for 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. Separated Oct '21, I filed Feb '22, divorced Nov '22 and close on sale of home Dec '22. I'm just posting and sharing into the void. In a lot of ways, I feel uncomfortable talking about my post divorce life because I am really doing so well. Because there were no kids and because I filed, I think I'm in a much better position than most.

We were never healthy, and I was simping hard during most of the marriage. I allowed a lot of emotional and mental abuse because 'love' and was working crazy hours to support our lifestyle, and doing a ton of chores at home and taking care of her. But it was always about how much I suck and how she has nothing (emotionally). The last two years I started to withdrawal more and more, to take better care of myself. Starting to wake up to how crazy she was too. BUT I was committed to the marriage. I thought about her dying, or her filing, etc. But I most likely would have stayed several more years. THEN we have a nothing fight. She took off her ring, told me I had to leave and said don't come back until your vows mean something. So I left. Once out of the house I had never been more peaceful and stress free.

I'll skip the drama and BS that followed. But once out of the house I could really see how crazy she was, how manipulative, lying, unworkable and unhealthy we were. So I ultimately filed, and that lead to even more drama.

BUT I am doing great! I owe a ton of spousal support (ordered 3.5 years so have 2.5 years left, hope to pay her off early Summer 2025) and some sleep issues. Otherwise:

- I started skiing again, after ~15 years break

- Got a motorcycle, use to ride but gave it up 'for the marriage / safety' in 2007

- Bought a plane! We (well I paid for everything) bought the house in 2011 and sold 2022. I used the equity to buy a 1970 Beech A36. I'm a private pilot and rented on & off for 20 years. Was always a dream of mine. I could have used the equity to pay off my spousal support immediately, but it just didn't feel right. I'm still working for her, but I fucking love this plane. Having the avionics upgraded over the holidays. I use to rent about 20-50hrs a year. I put 60hrs on it over 5 months :)

- Took two trips to Southeast Asia with my best friend. Thailand and Singapore. Just to chill and have no responsibilities.

- Visiting family (I'm on the west coast they are on the East coast) about 5 times. And flying to see them for Thanksgiving next week too. I knew, but didn't really understand, how many people love me and have my back. OR how many thought things were 'off' on the relationship but never said anything lol :)

- Got a new g/f. Oddly enough she's 3 years older than me. Didn't see that coming. I tried dating but just don't like it, and have super strong boundaries now. I've never been recreational about sex, so just really practicing dating. Then a coworker I've known for 6 years confessed she had a crush on me; I always thought she was cute and super intelligent. She's WAY more physically fit, emotionally available, supportive, and loves having sex with me (the eX and I were dead bed for the last 2 years of the marriage [expect for a love bombing phase during the separation]). She has also been VERY healing for me. I knew I had stuff to work on, but turns out I had even more than I knew about. Has been zero drama so far. I'm still healing and keeping firm boundaries but she claims to be ok with that.

- Moved into a great rental. In this area a crappy apartment, a nice townhouse or a single family home all cost about the same. The difference is that that single family home will require a credit score of 720+, 2 years of stable employment and at least 3x the rent in monthly income (so the apartment renters don't qualify). I don't need the space, but fuck it! Renting a single family home with more space then I ever had in the house we sold because it's ALL MY SPACE!! I have zero art on the walls, two pillows on the bed, and have my home gym and office dialed in. I have never liked shopping, but was genuinely excited to do the costco / amazon shopping for towels, linens, cookware, desk, etc. Most important my home is now a place of PEACE! I have zero drama in my home.

- I am paying a ton in spousal support. But even though I created a few new expenses, I overall greatly cut my overall expenses. So I actually have MORE discretionary income! My savings got hit hard / wiped out in the divorce. If I didn't work any extra shifts I can live my lifestyle of choice no problem. BUT I have decided to keep doing some extra shifts so I can 1) pay her off early, then 2) start stacking cash to set up investments and passive income streams. The goal is $10k/mo passive, then I can officially retire. Again no kid.

- Emotional and mental health are the best they have been in years, but still need to do some healing. Mostly related to my sleep (I fall asleep just fine, but wake up after 4hrs, no matter what. Getting better but it's throwing off everything else). Doing online therapy once per month these days, not sure how much more it is helping?? My biggest questions were: why did I choose her, why did I stay, why did I allow / tolerate the abuse. I think I have good answers to those questions. And while I still have some work to do, the anxiety / worry / guilt / etc about the marriage is 100% dead. To be fair, the eX's crazy antics during the divorce helped kill it :)

I know I'm not typical: no kids, I filed, high earning so can afford the spousal hit. But damn, if life isn't good. I have so much more time, so much less responsibilities, my home is a place of peace, I have essentially 100% control of my time, can travel when I choose and as I choose, and just generally look forward to life & the future.

Just posting into the void. But wanted to say thank you to the group. This group was really helpful and supportive to me during the separation and divorce. I mostly just hang around these days to check in from time to time. It's always the same dozen or stories on repeat. When I see someone in a similar situation to me, I try to share my POV and advice to 'pay it back.' This is one of the few male only / safe spaces to discuss things.

For the guys still in the middle of the BS and drama, hold the course it does get better. The eX wasted about $400k in potential wealth during the divorce. But I can always make more money, I can not make more time. And the peace on this side is just worth nearly any price. Again no kids, for those of you with kids I just hope you can effectively co-parent after it's all done.

Stay safe guys...