Covert contract?

re0st92mg · 2024-01-19T05:08:00+00:00

Could be, depending on your reasoning.

If you're thinking that because you provide for the family, she should decide on her own that it's her job to stay home with the kid... that's a covert contract.

It's an agreement you came up with that only exists in your head.

vitrael2 · 2024-01-19T13:34:10+00:00

The fact that you are even asking this question on /r/askmrp says that you are more nice guy than your ego is ready to admit.

Meteor1x · 2024-01-19T05:48:13+00:00

Make sure to learn to live by your own standards, the rest will follow. The reasoning on this sub is: Read the sidebar, STFU and lift. And it works, if you are not as lazy as Mrs…

deerstfu · 2024-01-19T15:06:41+00:00

Keep reading. Watch the Rian stone videos that go with nmmng on YouTube. Makes it more clear and sidesteps some of the bad advice in the book. Any time you can phrase what you're doing as, "I'm doing x, so she should/will want to/has to do y," it's a contract. If you don't talk about it, it's a covert contract. Neither is good in marriage.

mrpwtf · 2024-01-19T06:46:32+00:00

Covert contract is basically, "I do X, so she (or whoever) should do Y".

"I work hard, so she should keep the house clean."
"I don't get fat, so she should fuck me when I want."
"I cook, so she should clean."
"I earn my money, so I should be able to spend it without her bitching at me."
Etc.

Covert contracts often leave people seething because they do X but the other person doesn't do Y, and they see that as "not fair" because the other person isn't following the rules they didn't agree to.

If you agree to work and she agrees to stay home and do child care, that's not a covert contract. If you work and think she should want to stay home and do child care, but she didn't agree to the deal, that's a covert contract.

InChargeMan · 2024-01-19T17:43:57+00:00

I've found writing out the things you want with dried macaroni glued to a paper plate is helpful.

Ragnardanneskjunior · 2024-01-19T11:40:45+00:00

An example of a covert contract is that if I don't make my side chick scream too loudly while I am banging her in the living room then my wife SHOULD not complain about it. I have never actually had this conversation with my wife but I FEEL that she should not complain because of RATIONALIZATIONS( she's a water buffalo, has a terrible gag reflex, etc.) Now if I am banging my side chick and my wife complains then I might suffer from cognitive dissonance and wonder why this cow is ugly crying at me when I clearly applied the gag correctly to side chick A so we would not wake her.

Now if I had a big set of testicles I would have not made this contract covert and I would have acted like a man that does not hide his dick and outright told my wife before I ever made her my girlfriend that there will always be other women in my life and in my bed no matter how far our relationship goes. Do you see the difference?

deerstfu · 2024-01-19T15:16:29+00:00

Ha, I read a couple posts from your history. If you don't think you're a "nice guy" by the end of nmmng, you're delusional. This place will be good for you, I hope you do the work. Time to take responsibility for your own shitty life. You're doing it to yourself. Just you. No one else. Read steel's guide and start owning your shit every Tuesday.

Kevlar__Soul · 2024-01-19T15:20:28+00:00

One of those situation where it depends on how your approach her staying home. If you discuss her staying home and lay out what you expect to be done. Then it isn’t a covert contract.

If she stays home andsits around and does nothing all day. You stew about her not doing her part but she has no idea what you want her to do. Then it’s a covert contract.

If your doing something expecting your wife to react a certain way in response but haven’t made your expectations clear it’s most likely a covert contract.

Example

Hey honey I am going to work on getting the garage clean. while I work on that can you handle getting the kitchen cleaned up? Not a covet contract. She doesn’t do her part and you follow up she knows the deal.

On the flip side

You clean the garage for a few hours, expecting her to see you working and just decide to clean the kitchen. You come back into the house and find out you wife has been on her phone the whole time because she had no idea what you expected. Maybe she was doing laundry or something else you can’t see. You the clean the kitchen pissed off that she was being lazy while you worked. She asks you what’s wrong and you say nothing.

More subtile covert is cleaning the garage expecting her to notice and thank you for your hard work. She doesn’t notice and you get irritated that you didn’t get the praise you expected.

Most of the time covert contracts are a failure in leaderships. It’s your job to lead so if she doesn’t know what she needs to that’s one you. Assume she had no idea and lay out your expectations.

feddyman_1216 · 2024-01-23T16:48:43+00:00

It can be a CC if that's your expectation and you haven't communicated it to her. CCs are simply your uncommunicated expectations of others in response to your actions.

First thing you need to do is communicate that expectation. My wife stayed at home after our second child was born, and she fully expected to do things around the house while I worked. If she didn't I either pointed it out or.....work with me here....just did it myself. If she's the least bit self aware, you coming home from work and knocking out a few dishes or starting a load of laundry will be a signal to her. 1) because it's a subtle way of showing her that she didn't do what you expect to be done; 2) it shows her you're independent of needing her to do those things for you, decreasing her value to you in her eyes (real or not).

I'm not an expert and I'm sure some will disagree, but that's my take.

Title	Covert contract?
Author	Flowersfallweedsgrow
Upvotes	6
Comments	21
Date	January 19, 2024 4:16 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/19aab78/covert_contract/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/covert-contract.1243234 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243234

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