Let me paint you a picture...

I'm on a work trip right now. I'm on a customer site where I'm supposed to be in charge and running the show. Everyone is looking to me to be upbeat, positive, and have the master plan. While I'm present physically, I am far, far away mentally in my own private hell.

My wife first asked for a divorce in August. I'm ashamed to admit I begged, pleaded, and guilt tripped her. She agreed to two "trial separations" which each lasted about a week before she told me it was out of guilt and she wanted divorce. In early January she filed a contested divorce. I asked for mediation and just accepted service last week in front of a notary. We have a long legal process ahead of us including custody over our 3 young boys.

She cheated on me last March. We had agreed to let a house guest stay with us who was down on his luck and had nowhere else to stay. While I was on the road for work, she had sex with him in our home. I found out through reading her email. The same email disclosed that she had strayed an additional time back in 2015 before we had our first son. I don't know the details beyond that.

I'm currently still living in the family home. She is all over the dating apps. She is staying out overnight hooking up with random guys while I make pizza and put the kids to sleep. I know I can't control her. I know I have to move out. But this is really hard. No sooner has the ink dried on the divorce summons and she is out having flings and enjoying her new freedom while I sit home traumatized and in a complete state of shock and denial.

I cannot believe this is my life. I flashback to the birth of my 3 sons, to my wedding, to memories throughout the years. I thought my life was set. I was married, had kids, and had "made it". The end. Never in a million years did I think I would be starting over at age 42. Living in an apartment by myself like I'm back in my 20s. Except this time, I have the added responsibility of co-parenting with this woman who will be in my life until the day I die. Not only that, but after she is done having her flings, she will ultimately settle for a guy who will be living in my house and raising my kids. Horrific is an understatement.

"It gets better". "You have to learn to love yourself". "Take a year off to heal". I hope and I pray that these statements are true and that at some future date I will be happy again and I will look back on this as a very difficult time but one that made me stronger and led me to a more fulfilling life. Right now, that is impossible to believe. Impossible to see. Impossible to internalize. I've gone on a few dates myself and I feel totally empty. I'm too depressed to carry a conversation. The women can sense it. I'm not confident, I'm not happy with my life. I am totally stalled while my wife (we're still technically married) is out having overnights and flings without a care in the world. She doesn't care what impact it has on me. I can only hope karma catches up with her someday.

So here I am guys. Broken, depressed, anxious, sad, lonely, despairing. And in 15 minutes I have to go down to the hotel lobby and put on a mask for my colleagues. Pretend it's all good and go have a work dinner with the customer. This is the literal definition of putting one foot in front of the other. That's literally all I can do right now.

The waves of suffering are crashing over me, tossing me like a ragdoll, and there's nothing I can do but try to accept that this is my life.