Final “test” before proposal? And how long to wait.

Ok_Obligation_6110 · 2024-02-24T17:20:24+00:00

If he has 4 streams of income and doesn’t need to work as you say, it seems he has the means to get you out of the business and just doesn’t want to. The other alternative is that he isn’t as wealthy as he leads on and is basically living off of your income. Either way is not good.

I don’t think RPW discourages you from having a talk about timelines and expectations? If anything, we encourage it, and especially encourage it before moving in with someone if the goal is toward marriage. There’s a difference between asking your bf when he sees proposing to you, and stating that you would like to be engaged by x time. There’s room for a conversation in between while still holding your boundaries. RPW doesn’t encourage being a door mat!

Business_babe_2 · 2024-02-24T19:00:25+00:00

I believe this is a case of “if he wanted to, he would”. You have been together long enough and have lived together, there is no need for a test. He earns enough money to take care of more bills, get you out of your business, buy a ring etc… he could do all those things but he chooses to not do it.

And you have to decide if you are okay with that.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-02-24T19:59:11+00:00

It sounds like you've been building a future together, on your dime, that you won't see a cent of if he decides to leave you.

If nearly all of your planned savings for retirement are in his name, then I'm not about to advise you to leave at your age and occupation.

I would take baby steps first. Tell him you can no longer afford your current situation (if you can't afford to save, you can't afford this lifestyle). Ask to swap the mortgage and the car payment. Save the $1400 a month. Feeling like you have a decent way out if things don't work out is going to give your relationship the breathing room it needs. If you put too much pressure on things because you can't see a way forward without him, things can break down unnecessarily.

Also, about the travel test, try to read into it as a test for him as much as it may be a test for you. Or, ask what happens if you fail the test as a couple? Perhaps the answer is "we travel less" or "we travel with friends/family" rather than you don't get married.

Underground-anzac-99 · 2024-02-25T06:53:19+00:00

I met a couple at a hostel in South America many years ago who were doing the “if we can travel together we can marry test” and I thought it was cool but they were maybe at most 22, possibly 20, and backpacking on a shoestring getting work in Canadian snowfields and London cocktail bars, and on top of that they were dossing where they could. Brazil snd a hostel with hot showers was a bit of a treat.

They said that if after a year they were both still alive and talking to each other they’d marry. I really hope they did. They were awesome.

I don’t think another “test” is applicable in your case.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2024-02-25T16:09:47+00:00

I think if you posted this on a sexwork sub, you'd get some harsh input. It would be full of cynicism that's unfortunately based in lived experience. Just because he's OK with your job doesn't mean that you have to settle.

And it does sound like you're subsidising him to some extent. He's (supposedly) investing in a future that you have no legal claim to whilst you're paying real money now.

At the very least, tell him that you want to split the bills 50/50.

flower_power_g1rl · 2024-02-24T22:01:18+00:00

This video is exactly what you are looking for. She says everything in a way which you could never read on a reddit comment. Truly an angel https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Sm9XbRNFt2U&pp=ygUjQWRyaWVubmUgZXZlcmhlYXJ0IHdoeSB3YWxraW5nIGF3YXk%3D .

2024-02-25T01:10:13+00:00

Mmm yeah, perhaps could approach the topic by telling him how you feel, more specifically “I feel more deeply invested in this relationship than you exhibited these past few yrs, and feel the love is unbalanced, which is making me feel uncomfortable being in this relationship”. You can explain what he exhibited, ie the testing, not excited to sell the house or travel together. Make sure in the way you structure your comments, you don’t use words that have assumptions behind what he thinks, or the conversation will turn into a big argument.

Coz as an outsider to me, it seems you two aren’t on the same page, romantically.

Like when you’re teens, girl has a big crush on a guy, and he likes her but not as much back. Or a couple in a situationship. Or a woman who just married a guy for his money. They’re all imbalanced. You sound ready to commit to marriage, he’s not. I don’t know how often that happens simultaneously between a couple, but I think you two are supposed to both feel it together that it’s time, you know?

I get that a lot of men fear marriage because of divorce rates, however I think if they found “the one” they’d be less fearful.

Even if you just want to do a ceremony that doesn’t involve legal/law binding stuff (coz truthfully, modern marriage is when the gov get involved), would you be OK with that?

CountTheBees · 2024-03-03T00:10:58+00:00

I typed out a whole different response but never posted it and now I've decided to change the entire thing. I'm going to poke the elephant in the room.

It may be that he fully intends to marry you logically but emotionally he just can't convince himself to do it. His logical mind is "yes she suits me perfectly" but his emotional mind is "I don't want to".

I think you know where I'm going with this.

He has always accepted and supported my choice to be a sex worker

recent shoots with other male performers has my SO drawing a line as he is not comfortable with that aspect of it

These two things are at odds with each other. He's either supportive or he's not. He's either comfortable or he's not. It would make perfect red pill sense for him to not want you to have sexual relations with other men, even if it's for work.

And frankly it's a good sign. He's protective of you. If he didn't care he'd be fully comfortable with it.

His logical mind could also be covering for him because he's probably processed it and realised if he tells you he's not ok with it he would in effect be admitting to being a bad provider. If he comes out and says he's got a problem with it he has to provide a solution (replacing your income) which he may not be in a financial position to do.

If I were you I'd try to get his cards on the table and get him to admit he has a problem with your work. Even if he can't provide for you right now I think that change your status from "independent woman I can't commit to" to "dependant woman who is making sacrifices for me" in his mind, and your flaws would also become half his flaws.

If he doesn't (maybe because I'm wrong) your dilemma is do you continue to sacrifice for a man that you've already sacrificed some opportunities for. You may have to come to terms with the relationship as it is and change your actions accordingly.

AutoModerator · 2024-02-24T16:39:44+00:00

Title: Final “test” before proposal? And how long to wait.

Author Advanced_Bar_673

Full text: Hello all! Been a very long time since I visited here, and now I am in need of advice.

I (F46) have been with my bf (M45) for 4.5 years total, living together for essentially 2.5 yrs (he moved in with me at my old place, and in Aug 2022 we found a new place together) and for the most part we have an extremely satisfying relationship in every way: emotionally, sexually and as general partners who love sharing activities and adventures together. We do not want children.

For a long time now, I have been waiting for him to propose, and it always seems to be contingent on him selling his house (currently rented to tenants). He will say things like “When I sell the house we will get married and live carefree on investments.” or about how he is looking forward to us getting married. But I can’t help but feel at this point that now this is a delaying tactic. We both know the housing market will not return to previous levels for potentially years to come (for him to get what he wants as profit), and a few days ago he commented that I “just need to hang on” to working and waiting for “a couple more years”.

Another recent comment he made that has worried is that he said the “final test before marriage” would be to see how well we travel together; whenever the day comes that we can leave for a chunk of time (presumably after the house sells?) and globe trot for several months on end. We have already travelled a bit, mostly just short trips less than a week.

I was a bit shocked to learn there was a “final test” (still not sure if it was a joke but he has said this twice) as I have been waiting patiently thinking a proposal was eminent, and we have been co-habiting for so long (something I was reluctant to do as I wanted to be engaged before we “officially” moved in together).

I find myself becoming resentful and feeling like I’m playing the fool. Due to the nature of my work (adult entertainer), I have covered more of the bills and expenses for years now, while he “saves for our future” by adding to his investment portfolio (we are trying to achieve FIRE and live off dividend income from stocks). And now I am worried that this future I thought was happening is not guaranteed as I spend my earnings, keeping the faith that I will be taken care of after. Don’t get me wrong, he does pay for bills as well, but for example I pay rent our rent of $2700/month while he pays for car/ insurance of $1300, and we both buy groceries, however we spend whatever the bill is and don’t budget.

There is also the matter of me giving up my career for him. He has always accepted and supported my choice to be a sex worker, and I have been trying to transition into the adult film world for quite some time (connecting with well known talent, agents, directors etc). However recent shoots with other male performers has my SO drawing a line as he is not comfortable with that aspect of it (no issues with Girl Girl or other sex work). I want to respect his boundaries, and I’m not willing to sacrifice my relationship for a porn career, but now I am feeling like “what am I giving up this opportunity for if he is still unsure he wants to marry me?”

It’s not a matter of money; he has 3 (sometimes 4) streams of income and does not need to go to work. I find myself resentful of this too now, as I feel like the tired daily bread winner while he gets to stay home and do whatever he wishes.

I know general RPW advice is to avoid “The Talk” or ultimatums at all costs, but how do I communicate that I am unhappy being left in limbo about our future, especially if I’m sacrificing opportunities for the relationship? I cannot bear the thought of waiting till I’m 50, 55 or older before we get married. He knows marriage is important to me. He says he wants to financially take care of me so I can stop working altogether and I would love that. But how long is long enough? Do I keep believing him about his intentions? Now I worry that he will just pull the plug and leave me after some elusive “test”, and that I will have wasted my energy, money, time, looks, and career opportunities thinking that I had a solid future with a man I genuinely love.

A long time ago I posted about co-habiting, and a nugget of advice was to return to RPW if significant time has passed and he still hasn’t proposed.

So here I am. Thank you for reading.

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Title	Final “test” before proposal? And how long to wait.
Author	Advanced_Bar_673
Upvotes	5
Comments	16
Date	February 24, 2024 4:39 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1ayyvpt/final_test_before_proposal_and_how_long_to_wait/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/final-test-before-proposal-and-how-long-to-wait.1246318 https://theredarchive.com/post/1246318

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