Not seeming desperate and needy.

intjpua · 2010-11-04T16:50:57+00:00

I had a minor breakthrough recently with regard to text game, which had been a sticking point for me (texting is where the day 2 is setup, which is where you get laid...so, if you break the interaction here, you're never making it to sex). That revelation was simply this:

When in doubt, say nothing.

If you aren't sure what to say to build the attraction, put your phone back in your pocket and go back to what you were doing before. Sometimes even if you do know what to say, let it sit for a while.

In real world conversations I'm not sure what advice to give. Practice helps...but it took me well over a year to get my inner game into shape enough to where I could hook a girl and sleep with her the next time I saw her. It's surprising once you get to this point how easy it is (part of it was the realization and acceptance that I will talk to 20 girls, and only one will hook, and that's fine, I only really need one). You end up doing less, trying less, saying less, and yet you get to sex faster and more often.

So, I guess in the real world, the same advice applies. When in doubt, say less. Leave the girl to imagine the shape of things. Most people are optimistic when they imagine scenarios...so let her imagine the best about you.

tactics · 2010-11-04T20:53:27+00:00

A few years ago, I met a girl online. She worked for Planned Parenthood and described herself as polyamorous. I had been single and without sex for over a year, and I was thrilled at the chance to meet (and sleep) with her.

We met up a few times, and I realized I was really into her. She was a cool girl, she was very open about sexuality, and she had an innocent love of cartoons (which sealed the deal for me).

The second time I had her over for the night, I ran into a bit of a problem. I really liked this girl, but I was absolutely paralyzed by the thought she was seeing other guys. I couldn't really keep my feelings under control. I told her how I felt. She was a darling, even though I totally embarrassed myself in front of her. (She even went on to see me once more after that night, which I was surprised, but she stopped seeing me shortly after. I still think fondly of that experience).

We can't always be in control of how we feel. And that's ok. We all fuck up sometimes. And you need to give yourself permission to fuck up.

When I was in school, I realized some things we learned were more important than others. I worked very hard at figuring out what was the most important. I'd study those things very hard, and I'd ignore the rest. This worked especially well in math, because a clever student (like myself), given enough time, could derive most of the other stuff during the test.

Sadly, it was only after college that I realized, while convenient, this was a terrible way to learn! I ended up doing adequately on the tests (I was a straight B- student), and if you considered the ratio of my grades to the amount of time I studied, I was very efficient. But it left me with a very weak understanding of many things. The reason was I only knew the right way to do everything. The other students, who worked much harder, made many more mistakes, and not only did they know the right way, they also knew hundreds of wrong ways, too!

"An amateur is someone who knows the right way to do something. A master is someone who knows all the wrong ways."

Making mistakes is critical to learning. A musician will play a million wrong notes in his life. An artist will make a thousands sketches with bad proportions. And you will say and do a thousand stupid things to girls you like.

And that's ok.

If you play it safe and work incredibly hard "not to fuck it up" with women, you rob yourself of opportunities to discover those mistakes. You will end up like me in my classes, with a B- grade and a girl who is just as insecure as you are!

If you want to learn quickly, you have to make as many mistakes as fast as possible ;)

Put yourself out there and see what your limits. Do you give out too much information? Try giving away none instead. Try to tell your life's story to some random chick. Try everything in between, too.

If you are craving sex, why not straight up proposition some girls? Again, see what your limits are.

Learning is a slow, gradual process. But it doesn't take years and years to see results. As long as you work at it, you will experience little spurts of progress. And as long as you keep an appreciation for that progress, you'll be motivated to keep at it.

Cheer up and good luck!

octave1 · 2010-11-04T22:03:07+00:00

I understand where you are coming from. This was a huge problem for me for the longest time. It does take some practice though, but you will eventually unlearn it.

Any good hacks for reminding yourself how a small thing can fuck things up with a woman and not doing it? Most of the problem with me is that I give out too much information about myself.

As far as being needy? What I would suggest is to try and act like you don't give a shit. "Fake it till you make it." Walk away and reopen. (Never underestimate the power of walking away for making yourself seem non-needy or in generating attraction in general). If she doesn't text you back right away wait three times longer to text her back. Don't answer their phone calls and call them back later (especially weekend nights). A huge thing with cold approaches that I used to do that took me forever to fix is Smile when you are talking, not when they are talking When you smile when they are talking it makes you seem so needy and approval seeking ... basically you are letting on that whatever they say is awesome before they even say it.

Not being needy is essentially not needing them because you have other options so just think would I behave this way if I had 3 or 4 other girls before you do something. Hope this helps.

cwuze · 2010-11-04T16:41:14+00:00

Sounds like you are too concerned with what others are thinking and you should be focusing on being happy with yourself first.

darkhorn · 2010-11-04T16:49:09+00:00

Okay, then change yourself instantly. Tell me "Now! I'm a different person! I'm someone new!"

cheddarchexmix · 2010-11-04T20:35:12+00:00

One thing that really helped me was just going out and talking to lots of random people while I was in a LTR and not looking to hook up. I had zero expectation of outcomes, because I wasn't looking to get laid etc. It did wonders, I could talk to anyone because there was no failure scenario in my mind. I met tons of really cool people, many of whom became good friends.

So maybe you could try going out for a few weeks pretending in your head that you're in a LTR and completely disinterested in hooking up, but still interested in meeting interesting people and connecting with them.

2010-11-04T23:15:08+00:00

It's the most repeated thing here, but it nonetheless is the key to confidence.

You have to not care. Go for amusement, nothing else and you'll see the difference that makes.

philosarapter · 2010-11-05T17:03:43+00:00

You are whatever you believe you are. Change your beliefs.

Be very careful in using the words "I am" because you will become whatever it is that follows. But you can also use this to your advantage. "I am awesome." should be your new mantra. Envision in your mind what an awesome person would do, what they would say, how they would walk, how they talk, etc. Then become that person.

Secondly, find something in your life that means more to you than finding someone. In the grand scheme of things, finding someone is really not that big of a deal. Devote some of your time to charity, something bigger than yourself. When you have your priorities straight, you won't be needy, because its not that big of a deal.

Let go of your desire. Detach yourself from the outcome. You've only convinced yourself that you need someone, the truth is you do not need it, you simply want it really bad. There are as many downsides to intimacy as there are good sides.

In order to get the girl, do not want the girl.

2010-11-06T15:21:10+00:00

As I'm sure you now, lesbians are drama addicts. 99% of the time when a lesbian is confused and in love and doesn't know how to handle it, it's because the other woman is being aloof, quiet, or cryptic. It's hard to control your emotions, but it's easy to control how you display them to the world. A drunk SMS or inappropriate show of affection will get you nowhere most of the time. So if you have that kind of urge, just shut your mouth.

Roissy (who I actually think is a bitter, misanthropic douchebag) has the idea of the Jumbotron test. Basically, if everybody in public could see what you were doing, would it look pathetic, or awesome? Try to keep that in mind. Be awesome even if you're not in public.

Title	Not seeming desperate and needy.
Author	LesbianPUA
Upvotes	6
Comments	25
Date	November 4, 2010 4:35 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/e18hm/not_seeming_desperate_and_needy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/not-seeming-desperate-and-needy.1312740 https://theredarchive.com/post/1312740

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