I get needy, what should I do?

johnykoops · 2013-08-26T21:56:53+00:00

I used to wonder why it was that I would get more female attention when I had girlfriends, despite not disclosing this information. I used to consider this an unexplained phenomenon.

The very nature of “game” and the language that supports it heaps all expectation on the result with the girl. But this is what we are meant to do, right? We want the girl, after all, and that should be the only outcome we desire. WRONG! This is what is destroying guys, in no uncertain terms.

By putting all your eggs in one basket, you are only setting yourself up for a fall. There is a win/lose frame on every interaction, causing you to scramble as hard as you possibly can in order not to feel the pain of defeat. This is where the ghastly term “approach anxiety” stems from.

The unfortunate thing about the “PUA” language is that it reinforces the win/lose paradigm. The key is to create a scenario where we can never lose. We do this by shifting our primary outcome to something other than the girl. When we do this, we become ‘Autonomous’, and there is no such thing as rejection, because we have already achieved our primary outcome and have essentially already won the game.

Becoming Autonomous

Most guys are so desperate to hook up with girls that they render themselves incomplete, like a pie chart with a slice missing. They then go into interactions looking for that girl to fill it – and only then will they feel complete again. (temporarily)

With this frame, no matter how hard you try, you will always telegraph that you want to acquire something from her (whether her number, sex, validation etc.) in order to fill this void in your life. Most women can sniff this out very easily, and the interaction quickly becomes a win or lose situation. You then act through fear of being defeated.

So how do we become autonomous, especially when we do want the girl? We can think about this on a micro and a macro level. The micro level describes practical ways of applying the overarching mindset described by the macro.

The Micro Level

Does the following scenario sound familiar…? You’re lurking at the bar, having a frustrating night and waiting for an appropriate “target” to walk in. Only if you manage to “close” her are you fulfilled. If it does, that’s because you are making the girl your primary objective, and the success of your night is then wholly dependent on her. The key is to make something else your primary objective…

“Having Fun” Autonomy

Instead of the above, let’s imagine having a great night with your friends and building up a playful atmosphere amongst yourselves. You notice a girl next to you and as you are still recovering from a belly laugh you just had with your friends, you spin round, tap her playfully -”Hey, how you doing?” – with a broad, genuine smile, deciding to invite her into your atmosphere of fun. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that she reacts negatively, or is non-responsive… Well, then you simply rotate back around to your friends whilst still smiling, and your good vibes remain unaffected. In this scenario, the girl was your secondary objective. Had she of stayed talking to you, you can simply carry on with her. Either way, you are never off balance.

Work & Career Autonomy

This type of autonomy explains why girls are attracted to bar men or live performers. Let’s take the bar man example: he will flirt with girls, yet (most of the time, at least) will ultimately go back to his job – his primary objective. Girls will often allow the flirtatious energy with the barman because it is immediately apparent to them that his main concern is to serve drinks to people; and although he can make them feel like the most important person in the world for that fleeting moment, he will always return to serving others, because that is his job. It is impossible for the barman to feel rejection.

Girlfriend Autonomy

This explains the phenomenon that I started out with: that girls find us more attractive when we’re in a relationship. This is due to our primary objective in the form of our girlfriend, which eliminates the neediness and acquisition mindset we might otherwise convey. A highly attractive female is used to guys being affected by her beauty to such a degree that they act weird around her and out of character, strategizing as to what to say in order to ‘game’ her. A man that demonstrates autonomy can appreciate her beauty, isn’t intimidated and can move forward with his desire for her.

The Macro Level

When you go into an interaction, you must think of your role as being one of giving unconditionally, not taking. If you can give with no expectation of reciprocity, that’s unconditional, and that is how it must be. You have to clear your motives, foster a karmic attitide of “c’est la vie,” and give from a place of overflow. In other words, if we are a tree, we give from the fruits, not the seeds.

Being able to act in this way will demonstrate to the woman that you come from a place of abundance, which is highly attractive. On a personal level, it will filter through your actions and reinforce your autonomy. As you move further in that direction, you may even discover unhealed wounds to your self-esteem: when people begin to truly give, there are still points at which they’ll slip back into a conditional mindset, thinking “I should get something back.” That exact moment presents an opportunity to check in with yourself and realise that you’re not truly giving. (And when I say giving, i don’t mean buying a girl a drink in order to sleep with her – that’s actually investing, which is a form of delayed taking).

This all becomes a lot easier when you have first done some work on certain aspects of your life. Could you still have a happy and fulfilling life without women? Do you have a passion that turns you on? Work on this for two months and forget about women for this period. Push yourself to reach a stage where you can go into your interactions with women without wanting anything from them in return. Once you reach this stage, you can project your desire from a place of giving, where she can feel the energy is that of creating an amazing intimate time with her rather than needing to manipulate and control her in order to acquire from her. When you’re there, the act of giving and not taking becomes a natural instinct, not a conscious thought.

Bear_mog · 2013-08-26T15:50:35+00:00

Don't really know what you mean exactly by 'needy' but maybe this will help. Get a hobby and don't focus on the women you meet with all your spare time, have a life of your own and live it. This works for me in two ways, first it gives me stories to talk about (volunteering, hiking, fishing or repairing stuff. Doesn't really matter, there is always something different to talk about.) Secondly it helps get my mind off of over thinking or worrying if I am making progress with my date.

If you think your becoming 'needy' then remember that other people will usually notice this BEFORE you do. Confidence, you met a girl and it didn't work out? Guess what, you can meet more.

FeministsLoveMe · 2013-08-26T16:17:58+00:00

I agree with bear_mog. A true man shouldn't be needy, they should be so constantly busy with furthering themselves (career, school, gym, hobbies). While you and I both want to just simply hang out with women all the time when getting to know them, you and her will both know that you're putting her first, and putting anything first before yourself is just plain weird and shows that you maybe aren't that true "man".

Think about it, would you put your guy friends before your career or schoolwork? Are you going to cancel that crossfit section in the afternoon to just watch movies with them? It sounds weird, but you gotta translate your self-priority from that and universalize it. It's not just becoming not needy, it's changing your lifestyle and bettering yourself.

gosurobber · 2013-08-26T15:44:58+00:00

Please control yourself, have faith in the game and techniques.

Just to let you know, I lost a fuckbuddy because I appeared needy (I was also too convenient, rushing to meet her every fucking time and I told her I wanted to marry her [wtf really lol]).

The laws of attractions has been established by many men, if you choose not to heed their advice, then dont lament when every thing crumbles into dust.

TehKazlehoff · 2013-08-26T20:12:04+00:00

dont get needy.

/thread

alien3456 · 2013-08-27T05:57:22+00:00

Make more approaches and go on more dates. Start more relationships and you will naturally drop the mindset that this one relationship will be your source of happiness.

Also, the girl shouldn't be a major focus in your life. You should be getting all the happiness you need without her.

Methaxetamine · 2013-08-27T00:05:06+00:00

Really dude its not a big deal. Once you get more girls you will forget girls without trying to.

I have one girl that I am an absolute slave to though. I do everything against seduction just to keep this girl around me. If this is the case, you will be just as miserable as I am.

SpaceToaster · 2013-08-27T04:48:18+00:00

"What value do you offer?"

When you can answer that question with confidence, and be proud of what you have to offer, to her and the world, you will no longer be needy.

dooit · 2013-08-26T22:22:36+00:00

Go to therapy. There are underlying causes of this and will show up in other parts of your life

black_headphone · 2013-08-27T00:06:10+00:00

Read no more mr nice guy. Trust me

Nointhr · 2013-08-27T04:55:26+00:00

Experience. I'm going to assume you've had sex with less than 5 women. Once you get a few more women in bed, you won't care so much about getting one more, and a lot of your neediness will disappear. Of course this is assuming your neediness stems from lust. If it comes from desiring emotional intimacy, having close friends and women who you love and trust is what you need, not emotionless sex.

mcbrite · 2013-08-27T09:32:17+00:00

How is this ridiculously low effort OP even worth a response?

chillmonkey88 · 2013-08-27T10:52:02+00:00

One tip I use is sticking to my guns when i make point about something i like or dislike... surrounded by guys at work and mentioned i want to learn to dance. They called me a faggot. Instead of trying to please them I shrugged it off after there banter and said thats cool. Don't try to fit in, carve your own path

Banana_Slut · 2013-08-28T06:57:29+00:00

abundance mentality. Remember, there are 7 billion people on the planet. around 4 billion are women, around say 1 billion are single. Thats 1000,000,000 women to meet, greet and possibly fuck. don't believe in this "one and only".

Title	I get needy, what should I do?
Author	Relaxgodoit
Upvotes	53
Comments	49
Date	August 26, 2013 3:34 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1l4e43/i_get_needy_what_should_i_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-get-needy-what-should-i-do.1357446 https://theredarchive.com/post/1357446

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