Former unconfident guys of seddit- what helped you work through your period of non confidence in yourself?

TimPartendale · 2014-04-24T23:39:41+00:00

You spend the first part of your post telling us why your life is in order and why women should be with you. Great! Now show, don't tell.

she's gorgeous she'd have no interest in me

How do you know that?! Well you won't truly know unless you get in there and find out for yourself; most likely you'll never see this girl again so even rejection means nothing. Believe me, approaching and finding out it doesn't work is better than not approaching and kicking yourself all day for pussing out. Another peice of advice would be to stop rating girls based on attractiveness because what ends up happening is you behave differently around a "10" than you do around a "7" (no beuno). This whole "she's gorgeous" is subconsciously placing her on a pedestal and making you more anxious in future interactions with her. Try switching how you see women as a binary scale of 1 (I'm interested) or 0 (I'm not interested) and you'll ameliorate the situation.

...what I do lack is confidence in women.

Start talking to girls in scenarios and contexts where you aren't trying to get anything from them. I had to take baby steps; first I started walking with better posture and looking people in the eyes more / smiling when I conversed. I then started approaching strangers and introducing myself, talking about a mundane topic and then leaving. During my long runs I would literally stop and talk to a girl or two for 5-10 minutes (about god knows what) and then continue with my run. Sometimes I'd get a number from a girl, other times nothing. But it doesn't matter, I'm successful because I'm going out there and I'm being myself.

If you're a successful guy then let women know by being confident when you approach them!

Before I became extremely confident with women, I asked some good girl friends on "dates" to build better relationships with them and to naturally become better around women. I have no intentions of getting anything from these women sexually so it works out; we'd meet for lunch or go to a bar/club and just have fun. This "have fun" mentality has now permeated into my everyday persona and it's less stressful when interacting with women I'm trying to pursue.

/I'll edit this post when I get home, I have more to say/

beansancoffee · 2014-04-24T23:45:43+00:00

Hi, I'm a lurker to this subreddit and have never commented before. But, I feel that I can contribute in some way to this discussion. I was in a similar mindset to you: 24 years old, life in order, in great shape, good education/career, car/house, etc. Everything a girl wants right? Yes, but not really. From what I have personally realized, women want to see that your life, and all of its contents, have meaning and purpose to you. It is all about displaying passion in what you do, whatever that is. Hobbies are one thing, life pursuits are something else entirely. Set goals, reach them, and take pride in yourself! And when you strike up a conversation with a girl, ask her about what she enjoys and is passionate about in her life. Then, tell her about yours, whether it be your travels abroad, most recent road trip adventure, your training for your first 1/2 marathon, or even the dinner that you recently cooked and was particular proud of. And if you're sitting there thinking: "I can't think of anything that I am truly invested in or passionate about." Then, I recommend that you first discover yourself and all that you are capable of. Self-confidence comes from within and women can see that from a mile away. And if you're truly happy with yourself and your life, others will notice and gravitate towards you.

I really hope this helps. This resonates with me on a personal level as I am a similar age and felt the same way for a long time. But, about a year ago I feel like a reached a turning point. I realized that I was boring, and others were naturally bored to be around me. I took up running, camping/hiking, anything that I could get my hands on that involved being outside. Since that point in time, I have made new friends, intimate relationships with women, and it feels great. Women react to me differently, although I feel like I look exactly the same on the outside. It seems to be what is internal that is really meaningful. You also don't need to necessarily meet women in bars. Join meetup.com and get into some activity clubs with people who enjoy the same things that you do. There are so many great people out there, men and women included, who feel the same way. You're not alone in how you feel, just relax, breathe, and strike up a conversation with the next person you find attractive! You never know where it might end up!

el-pollo-rojo · 2014-04-25T03:22:50+00:00

This may seem a little off track but honestly I have found meditation to be one of the most powerful reasons that my confidence in life has risen, which naturally reflects on my attitude when talking to girls. It is a good top-down approach to boosting confidence. I have started meditating a lot lately (every day, for at least 10 minutes). I repeat Sanskrit mantras out loud or silently. The method of meditation isn't really important, but I like mantras because it helps to have a word to focus on, especially a word in a language does not have specific meaning to you. Meditation helps to silence your thoughts and clean up your inner clutter. Thought and feelings beneath the surface often come up, but the key is to not feed them energy but instead bring your mind back to your object of meditation (the mantra). After a few minutes of concentrated effort you sort of relax into it. I know I’ve succeeded when all that matters is the present moment. Honestly, this has been the pregame to my pregaming lately.

When I go out after meditating I find it easy to focus on what is around me, who I am talking to, and how I am presenting myself. I can cooly observe and interact with my surroundings, and I save any analysis for the next morning. When you’re that much in the moment it’s amazing how the number of fucks you give drops dramatically. I feel comfortable asking girls offbeat questions such as “What’s your passion?”. Questions like that fit best after a brief introduction and really help get the conversation going. The uniqueness of it also separates the interesting girls from the shallow or simple ones.

The maturity I’ve gained from meditation also helps me to frame things in an insightful way. For example, in the past I may have been discouraged if a girl I was flirting with would express more interest in the friendly neighborhood bro/douchebag. I would either feel that I was lacking somehow, or I would lament what struck me as a sign of society’s shallowness. I now see the situation like this, “Like attracts like, so the girl and the bro deserve each other. The real girls, the ones that matter, dig the real dudes like me. So screw that mediocre girl and her mediocre taste in men, time to move on to greener pastures!”

Note, if this was slightly rambling, fair enough, I’m slightly drunk.

Jaruseleh · 2014-04-25T11:39:36+00:00

I literally had to re-program my brain to convince myself that I am awesome, and that people really do like me for the person I am. "Fake it 'til you make it" was a motto I repeated to myself often. It took some time (a few years for me, but it may be quicker for others), but that mentality has boosted my confidence 100-fold. I also read books (and /r/seddit!) about body language, and how that affects your confidence level. Just walking more upright with my head held high made a noticeable difference. There are many other things that contribute to it, but that's an easy example that you can start doing immediately.

Best advice I can give is to not get discouraged, and learn to enjoy rejection. Yes, enjoy rejection. If you get rejected, just think of it as saving yourself a lot of time by not getting together with someone who obviously wouldn't have worked out anyway.

There's so much more I could add here, but I'm going to quit babbling. Just know that if I can do it, you can do it.

2014-04-25T14:45:43+00:00

Taking action every day, regardless of if you like it or not. I've asked out girls I wasn't into, went on dates with girls I didn't like, hung around people I wouldn't necessarily deal with just so I could find someone in social circles I click with.

I've stopped hanging out with people I used to be cool with, I've gained better friendships with some old friends, and I have a bunch of other friends I'll probably be friends with for a long time.

Honestly, the more you put yourself out there, the more you'll find out about yourself, and you'll be more comfortable being yourself. The most important thing I think, is to game yourself.

The best times over the last year, have been where i've said stupid shit to make myself laugh, or I did something I wasn't comfortable with. It puts you out of your comfort zone, and helps you realize, people really don't care what you do, so just have fucking fun, man!

chris1227 · 2014-04-25T18:40:35+00:00

Baby steps.

...baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm in the elevator.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

PeruvianGame · 2014-04-25T21:03:02+00:00

I think the part that made me realize how idiotic it was to be scared of women was watching one of my close friends (Who is super short, no job, no money, has an ugly mark on this face and isnt very good looking) get very beautiful women all the time.

He showed me that it is all about confidence and having a cool personality.

After watching his game for several months I just said fuck it if he can do it, why cant I do it. So I started approaching girls(at the beggining with a lot of alcohol in me) just for fun and and the results not only got better but my confidence got higher the more I did it because even if I got rejected by everyone one night, some nights I did very good and those positive results gave me proof that there are cute girls interested in what I have to say.

Also,at the beggining It was hard getting rejected, I felt that there was something wrong with me but the more I did it I just started seeing women as numbers and the game as a game of probability. I also noticed that a high % of women who rejected me didnt even look at me when saying no,they just didnt want to be approached. They would reject me before even seeing me.

Since I was a poker player I noticed that it was pretty similar, girls were like cards, even if you have a really high % of winning, sometimes its just not gonna happen and there is nothing you can do about it but the more you play the higher the probability of winning and the higher your chances through experience. And things just started working for themselves.

Just remember, this is a game of chance, not everyone is gonna like you but there are things you can do to improve your chances and that is by getting more confidence, experience, dress better, etc. Even Brad Pitt gets rejected nobody can get them all dont let 1 person put you down. Dont be results oriented. Everything you do, even failing is a learning experience and the more you do it the more you master it.

zach84 · 2014-04-25T08:22:12+00:00

I beat myself with lies till I believed it and it became true.

Fake it till you make it

c00kiecutter · 2014-04-24T23:35:58+00:00

what worked for you?

Practice. And reading psychological/analytical PUA stuff.

Although I always had confidence in myself. I just didn't know how this shit worked before I took an interest.

John-Luke · 2014-04-25T00:09:38+00:00

What helped me the most was changing my group of friends. I know it seems shallow at first glance, but my former friends were unfit, lazy guys who played games all day.

When I started going out with my new friends, I sort of moulded myself to be confident like them and experience life from a new perspective.

I'm not telling you to ditch your current friends or anything, but if you don't have confident friends that bring out the best in you, find some, go out and put all the theory you've read here into practice. All the best

ackshunpact · 2014-04-25T00:23:39+00:00

I'm no PUA master and I've always been pretty confident but what really helped me was actually going out my front door and doing things that nobody does. like riding around the rim of the bay trail (sf) or backpacking from SF to LA, sleeping on beaches most the way. I also did a tour as a vagabond in long beach (one of the best summers of my life - imagine...a homeless guy picking up girls at parties!). And now I drive a big rig all across america (women love this for some reason). These things all held great aspects of adventure, danger and self-exploration. And now when I see an intimidatingly pretty girl I just think man I've survived too much real danger and intrigue to be afraid of a 5'3 blondie. I mean when you look at it from a higher perspective, approaching a girl is as insignificant as a drop in the ocean. There aren't even any consequences!

you don't have to do the things I did. But I think if you make personal challenges like that and succeed it really will boost you.

smoothness69 · 2014-04-25T03:32:04+00:00

I hired a personal trainer to work me out. I learned how to dress well and bought nice clothes. I learned how to dance salsa well. Confidence went up high.

like_bot · 2014-04-25T03:49:03+00:00

One small thing is I decided that I would be confident in things even when I had no reason to.

ex. rock-paper-scissors I always play with the belief that I am going to win, even if there is no reason to believe that.

I realized later that it is just more fun to be confident and self-assured in the process of living it.

omica · 2014-04-25T09:04:06+00:00

Practice is super important. I remember first reading about kino and thinking I could never do that and it would be super awkward. Then one time I was drunk and I tried it and since then I have been comfortable touching women. You really do just have to bite the bullet and try things out.

Getting the inner game right is important too. Affirmations are helpful, keep telling yourself that you are attractive and desirable and it will eventually sink in.

I used to struggle with the inner game because I have a very analytical mind and I couldn't tell myself that I was a huge player without that voice in my head saying "actually you aren't, when did you last get laid." The thing that helped for me was the concept of selective blindspots, i.e. its ok to lie to yourself. It doesn't matter if you actually aren't a desirable and attractive man, you still tell yourself that and push any doubts out of your head.

2014-04-29T02:07:04+00:00

Faking my confidence, I still have to fake it now, soon enough it will be real and I won't have to fake it anymore. --Pretend you're a completey confident version of yourself- (From wiki)

2014-04-24T23:49:04+00:00

Just stop thinking so much. You have some good shit going for you. You probably have some baggage from your ugly duckling phase but you need to realize that phase is OVER. You are AWESOME, BELIEVE IT!

Now just because you know you're awesome doesn't mean you aren't going to be scared at first when you see a girl you want to talk to, but you just have to do it! See the girl and DO IT. Don't hesitate. Don't think about it. Just go talk to her. Did i say JUST DO IT? It'll get your adrenaline pumping which feels really good afterwards. "Yeah but she migh".... FUCK NO... YOU have a motherfucking college degree, you are a man who is making something out of himself... IF she turns you down it's her loss not yours. One more reminder. YOU ARE AWESOME SO JUST FUCKING DO IT.

Title	Former unconfident guys of seddit- what helped you work through your period of non confidence in yourself?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	32
Comments	25
Date	April 24, 2014 10:19 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/23wexk/former_unconfident_guys_of_seddit_what_helped_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/former-unconfident-guys-of-seddit-what-helped-you.1369772 https://theredarchive.com/post/1369772

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