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[–]PUA_101 6 points7 points8 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I was in a similar situation, I was in my late 20's before I realized I needed to make a change. Best kick in the ass I can think of is that your life is probably anywhere from 1/3 to 1/2 over and if you're not going to make a change now, do you think it's going to get easier or harder to do so as time goes on? Put the past behind you, it doesn't matter and it doesn't serve you one iota to give it any attention. You're different now, that's all that matters. Girls like guys in their 30's, but their expectations for you are also a little higher, so get working on that too. What I mean by that is it's OK to fuck around in your 20's, but now they expect you to be on your purpose and passion and living a life you enjoy. Remember this journey is about YOU, not the girls. You're doing this so YOU can be happier, not so girls will like you.
Imagine what your life will look like in 10 years if you don't take action today. For me that was one of the best ways to kick my own ass on a daily basis.
[–]alltrueism 4 points5 points6 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thanks for the reply. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 18, so a lot of progress in my life was hindered through maintaining safety and not awaking the darkest days again.
I'm thrusting forward these days though and feel like I have a future to project, so thanks for the advice.
[–]MrLestat3 points 10 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Get up and do it. It's a cheesy line but once you get momentum, the good things will keep piling up.
In addition to this, I will be living on my own in apartment for the first time in a long time, so my finances will be tight.
No time for crap or bullshit then, take some pen and paper and write up a budget. And follow it. Cut spending on unnecessary stuff like sweets and stuff that's not as good. Eat more vegetables, they're cheaper too! And like /u/citystars said, you don't need a gym. Chest push ups, jogging, squats, sit ups, planks,... you can do these at home.
Despite my turn arounds, I am finding myself in front of the TV
So what are you waiting for, turn it off, put on some trainers and go run 1km. Then 1.5km next week. Then 2km. Start small and end big! Do you wanna wake up when you're 40-45, unaccomplished, lazy and with two unplanned kids with a random girl you barely like, because you drunkenly knocked her up at your work's new year's party?
[–]alltrueism 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Sound advice. I think my problem is I'm still programmed wrong. Like when I do art work for other people, it's always better than what I'm motivated to do for myself. I get that's the nice guy talking, and I understand the behavior now, it's just correcting it in application and experience I lack.
[–]Tjodleik 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think my problem is I'm still programmed wrong.
Then it's even more important to realize that it's the programming that's faulty and that the OS and underlying hardware is perfectly ok.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that quite a few in similar situations think that there is something fundamentally wrong with them as people, instead of realizing that they've just been acting through the wrong filters. I've been in the situation myself, where every setback ended with me thinking there was something horribly wrong with me as a person, instead of thinking that I might have taken the wrong action, and combined with a touch of confirmation bias I ended up with tons of "proof" telling me that I'm a horrible loser and that women wouldn't even touch me with a ten foot pole, so I might as well give up and die right this instant.
Needless to say, that belief was like having a 200 lbs slab of concrete chained to my foot while trying to swim, and it took a couple of solid hits to the face before I started seeing things differently.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Don't get sucked down the Netflix hole or feel sorry for yourself.. Do something productive instead! Regarding the gym budget check out /r/bodyweightfitness too.
[–]alltrueism 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Subscribed. Time to turn my spare tire into a rolling rock.... Or something.
[–]successor1 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Absolutely agree. Cancel your netflix subscription and you will save £10 month as well. There is almost always something better to do than 'receive fun'. Read the book, craft or even have a good night sleep.
[–]Not2original 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You don't need to go to the gym to improve yourself.
Push-ups, crunches, walking and running are all free. A lot of green-way trails have equipment stationed on the side that's free to use.
I'd say to not go the online dating route yet. You still need time to heal from your break-up and get into an established pattern and really invest in yourself. Learn how to be a complete person so you know what you want out of life so that when you do start dating you know how to properly screen your potential mates.
I think you are more right than you know. A part of me is still in pain and unraveling from the epiphanies, and I'm looking to jump ship to stay afloat.
I will bare this in mind for sure.
[–]citystars 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Make some mutual friends within your work. Easiest way to start out for meeting new people. You don't need a gym to work out either. Get a pull up bar and you can do virtually any work out with that thing. Just stay positive n leave the past behind you.
[–]Vonaviles1 points 10 years ago [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link
Are you sure it ended mutually?
[–]alltrueism1 points 10 years ago [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
It's complicated. She had ptsd from early childhood abuse, and I had my problems. It was great for years, but I admit I settled for a lot of bullshit because of who I was, as did she I imagine.
[–]Vonaviles1 points 10 years ago [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
Is it complicated?
You mention her PTSD but you avoid naming your problem even though you're both strangers here.But she's more of a stranger than you..one extra degree of separation. Kinda shitty man.
But that could be because you have friends who know your ID. But probably not. I'll never know, but I don't care, it's just a curious choice of explaining your position.
So you admit you settled but you imagine she did? You sure you're not hoping she did?
[–]alltrueism1 points 10 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
I think it's mostly irrelevant because even before her, my relationships were based on some form of dysfunction due to my own insecurities.
I get the problem is with me. If you have read 'No more Mr Nice Guy' then you can pretty much guess that I was emotionally distant, with myself and others. I claimed I didn't need anyone or anything, but I was clearly in denial. I buried myself playing video games all day thinking it was a "passion." I never put myself up for rejection and accepted what landed on my doorstep, because I was never in tune with my desires.
I also tried to keep the peace in my relationships instead of standing up for myself and causing confrontation.
I'm trying to correct these behaviors for future prospects, because I can't change what went wrong, only learn and move on.
[–]Vonaviles0 points 10 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Wait, so she has PTSD and you have insecurities? Is your left nostril wider than your right one or something?
I haven't read No More Mr. Nice Guy, but I'm sure glad you did because you clearly managed to self-diagnose your issues and went ahead and addressed them properly and effectively..
..It sounds like you're listing symptoms / conditions / behaviors / tendencies or whatever title the author referred to them as straight out of a piece of text, but perhaps you chose the ones you liked more than the ones that actually apply to you.
Nice guys, despite the convoluted meaning of the term, tend to over-invest in each girl they meet and then question their inability to maintain a romantic relationship or attract sexual desire when they're ignored, and then go on to blame the girls around them because they equate their delivery of social validation and good behavior with some kind of Starbucks rewards card that they can stamp enough times to guarantee a plow session.
You're not that. You claim it ended mutually, but when all I did was ask you if you're sure if it ended mutually, it suddenly becomes complicated. Why is it complicated? Because she had PTSD and you had issues. But what issues did you have? You are insecure. So she has PTSD and you're insecure, but you like to comfort yourself by imagining that you both felt the same way. Again, I pose a simple question about your certainty regarding your mutual settling and you respond by saying it's irrelevant and listing all of these self-identified issues you have with yourself that you need to work on.
Finally, you tried to keep the peace but if you stand up then you're the one causing the confrontation? Why are you so capable of being distant and uninvolved throughout the relationship and suddenly explicitly stating your decision not to cause a confrontation by simply defending yourself (as you so described)?
[–]alltrueism1 points 10 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
It was indeed complicated. In the worst of times, she required a lot of attention and validation. She would go through emotional cycles where she would push me away, sabotage, or hold me to a ridiculous standard.
Everything was a crisis to her. She was very draining emotionally. Through out all this push/pull I tried to be supportive, but the line between her being upset from therapy and her being unsatisfied with me became very blurry. As a result I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her, and never expressed my needs.
In the worst of times for me, I delt with anxiety and depression, loss of control, no self-discipline. I have experienced trauma in my life as well, leaving me feeling depersonalized and detached from reality. This just made me a shitty partner all together, and her needs weren't met.
When we both decided not to seek couple's council to work it out, it was a mutual separation between us. I'm not sure what else I can elaborate on. It's hard to wrap a bow on 4 years, and it was obviously not always as bad as it sounds.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
All the same, it's like everything I knew and thought about women was wrong.
You might want to visit /r/theredpill
[–]JessePinkman88 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Make consistent, small changes. They add up over time.
Eg. If you're trying to lose weight, cut out one snack per week and go for a 5 minute walk. Then in a few weeks, extend the walk to 10 minutes.
If you try to do too much at once, you'll feel overwhelmed and just quit.
If you set yourself small achieveable challenges, you'll look back and see that you've actually made a change. That will motivate you to keep going.
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I hear ya man. Just stay in and watch netflix for the most part. Women in their 30's are a complete nightmare. There's no more "hanging out". It's typically either date to get married, or have children or don't bother with them. And don't try and change their mind or they will try and ruin your life. Just avoid them. I'd date younger if I were you. I'd recommend a French or Spanish college class at the local community college, or art. Something real easy but probably full of hot chicks.
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[–]PUA_101 6 points7 points8 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]alltrueism 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]MrLestat3 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]alltrueism 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Tjodleik 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]alltrueism 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]successor1 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Not2original 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]alltrueism 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]citystars 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Vonaviles1 points [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]alltrueism1 points [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]Vonaviles1 points [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]alltrueism1 points [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Vonaviles0 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]alltrueism1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]JessePinkman88 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link