How to not seem needy when you kind of are

sagesandwich · 2020-10-25T04:52:28+00:00

Neediness is definitely a turnoff. But you can be inexperienced without being needy! They don't have to go hand in hand.

Many people get into relationships that don't last because they don't get to know themselves first. In your case, you not only know yourself but also have made progress in ways that are attractive to most women: dedication to improving yourself, skilled employment, motivation to own and take care of a home, hobbies. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some women in your day to day routine that have had a little crush or "what-if" thoughts about you. Even the fact that you've not been looking to date can seem attractive - makes you more mysterious.

My point is, if you've gotten this far with your adulting endeavors, you may not be nearly as far behind as you think with dating. Everyone follows their unique life path, and age is a number only. Put yourself out there, don't take yourself too seriously, and remember that in many women's eyes, you'll be a catch. Don't worry about your inexperience - it's just about finding the people who are the right fit for you, which is what everybody else is trying to do too.

I think you'll do just fine.

littlebunnywoowoo · 2020-10-25T07:48:00+00:00

Hi. I think adding a little bit of nuance to your personal understanding of neediness might help your situation. A certain level of emotional neediness is anticipated when you're dating with a potentially long term, serious relationship in mind - or at least anything more serious than a one night stand. A lot of people are needy and a lot of people seek out other needy people to be needy with together. It's okay to need and want emotional closeness. This can make a man incredibly warm instead of cold and aloof. Just like some men like being the sole object of a person's affection, there are women out there who will like being the sole object of your affection. Neediness can turn into overbearing whenever the needy person has absolutely nothing else going on in their lives besides getting and giving affection from the other person, when no allowances are made for normal, every day things. Like, it's pretty normal to not be with your partner 24/7 and for y'all to have independent lives, hobbies, and friends. Neediness isn't really the problem so much as desperation and obsession. You seem like you've put a lot of effort into making sure you have a full, interesting life outside of dating with plenty of things that you take seriously to occupy your time. I think you'll do absolutely fine, and don't be too scared of emotional warmth. If you start dating soon, it's okay to have a conversation with your partner about what speed is okay with them or even let them take the lead when it comes to emotional closeness. These conversations actually come pretty easily when the time is right. Communication is absolutely key and you can never really anticipate what your partner or potential partner is thinking based on things you've watched online. Good luck out there!

egoboostintraining · 2020-10-25T03:46:54+00:00

first of your not a loser. ive never had a kiss either but i guess i could give some advice. try to ask what they are looking for in a relationship and see if that works. have you tried online dating? that's the only thing i could think of to help meet girls during covid

mydicksmellsgood · 2020-10-25T06:00:54+00:00

Hey buddy, I think you're selling yourself pretty short. It seems like you are doing just fine by yourself, and therefore don't really need a girlfriend. Maybe just stop thinking that you need this. Put yourself out there, in spaces where women exist, like dating apps and friend groups or hobbyist groups and it will come.

And a little bit of acting cooler than you actually feel probably won't hurt

ddl_smurf · 2020-10-25T04:24:00+00:00

fake it until you make it, it then becomes a virtuous circle. I know it seems morally distasteful, but, well, that's what I've seen work. Getting hung up on those worries will not help you, so, try and change your mind when that happens.

_-__-__-__-__-_-_-__ · 2020-10-25T05:39:26+00:00

Comparing yourself to others is needy

toxicistoxic · 2020-10-25T06:14:45+00:00

Sometimes it works when you just try and become friends with someone. You'll see if they like you back

throwawayvirginac · 2020-10-25T10:40:16+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Metal_Cello · 2020-10-25T11:43:35+00:00

Lack of romantic experience isn't necessarily a turn off, but it can be a lot of pressure being someone's "first." It can feel like there is a responsibility (especially as we get older) to provide a great first experience rather than simply a first. In our teenage years none of us really know what we're doing, and a lot of us are having "firsts" with other people, or our true firsts are the other person's seconds, etc. We all bumble around and kind of get to learn intuitively, and there is no expectation of grace or skill superb quality. Sex and romance are things we all do; no one expects their bumbling teenage years to be glorious in that regard.

We all come to learn that the teenage bar is pretty low, and we move on. Having your firsts later puts you in a strange position. It may not be your lack of experience itself that is a turn off, but the implied responsibility for the other party. Being someone's first at a later stage in life means setting this bar, but with an active awareness of what bar is being set.

That being said, it is not a deal breaker. My bf and I (both 25) have been together 2.5 years, and when we met I was his first, not for everything, but for a number of things (including sex). He is attractive in many ways, from his looks to his interests, the fact that he know how cook, and more. Even his eagerness and enthusiasm for learning and developing bedroom skills was sexy. He was interested not just in learning in general, but learning how to please me. And for all my prior sexual experience, I was as blind and inexperienced in actual\serious relationships as he was. Which made our relationship a forst for both of us. And we have shared many other firsts in the course of our relationship.

All in all, don't worry so much. Be yourself. There are women out there who don't mind :)

Pringles__ · 2020-10-25T11:48:11+00:00

I won't give you a vague idea of what neediness is. Instead, I'll clearly demonstrate you via your own post what neediness is about so you can realise this and work on yourself.

"I've never had any success with women".

You let your worth be defined by women, which makes you needy. You depend on others. It's not that you've never had any success with women, it's that 1/ you haven't found someone that is worth your attention, 2/ you haven't searched or tried anything to achieve that. So no, you're not "unsuccessful", you haven't found an ideal partner and you haven't worked for it.

"Never been on a date, never kissed a girl and definitely not had sex".

Another sign that shows that you let your worth be defined by other things. It's not about being on a date, it's not about kissing girls, it's not about getting sex. It's about doing these things with the right person, with an ideal partner with whom you have an emotional connection. So no, it's not that you have never achieved these objectives, it's that you haven't had an emotional connection with any girl so far, because you haven't found such a girl (see previous point).

"I've always been mature for my age and that was a detriment to me because I largely didn't bother with dating when I was younger because I couldn't stand the drama".

Maturity and dating are not opposites. You are just afraid of taking risks and you justify it by saying that you are "mature" and that you "didn't bother".

"After high school I went to trade school and started working as an electrician which means I don't work around women and I didn't have the college party experience."

Understandable, this means that you haven't been exposed to girls as much as somebody who went to college/parties/etc. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to blame your fate or are you going to start moving your ass and start getting around women?

"Basically I've spent my last several years improving myself,I make decent money,have my own home,car,and motorcycle."

Very good, I'm proud of you. Yet, don't let your worth be defined by this, don't be needy. You are perfectly imperfect the way you are, you don't need anything or anyone to define your worth. I succeeded in my studies with a Magna cum laude, I'm pursuing a PhD thesis, I play the piano, I work out, I can cook, I read books, I speak 6 languages. Yet, none of these things has ever defined my self-worth, I have never felt "more confident" because of these things. What made me more confident is self-awareness and realising that I'm perfectly imperfect and that basically, nobody is perfect. Which was a huge improvement for me. Right now, I'm very confident in myself because I know my self-worth and realised that nobody was perfect.

"I decided this year that I should try to start dating but covid put a hold on that so I've spent the time studying by watching dating coaches and reading a few books."

Read Models by Mark Manson, you don't need any other book. Start applying its advice asap, by of course respecting COVID measures.

"So I'm needy because of my lack of experience and women hate that"

You are not needy because of your lack of experience. You are needy because 1/ you don't know your self-worth, 2/ you let your worth be defined by other people and other things. Getting "experience with women" won't change your self-worth.

"I want to ask the seddit community is how to not seem needy when talking to women assuming I ever work up the balls to approach one."

It's not about faking it, it's about working on yourself and realising what's wrong with you. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy".

Conclusion. 1/ You are perfectly imperfect, you are perfect the way you are. 2/ Don't let your worth be defined by other people or other things, acknowledge your self-worth. 3/ You haven't been unsuccessful with women, you just didn't find someone who was worth your attention and/or didn't work for it. Expose yourself to women, be honest/bold/vulnerable with them and move things forward without hesitation (ask people out). By doing this, you'll have a huge impact on your dating life.

isuamadog · 2020-10-25T12:02:11+00:00

‘Neediness’ is bad. ‘Having Needs’ is normal. Best way around this, to me, is to be completely honest and authentic. I dated a woman who was 50 and never had a long term relationship. It didn’t work, not because she was needy (she was), but because she lacked the skills to manage them. It kept spilling over onto me. It’s one thing to invest into an intimate experience, it’s another to become unraveled when someone else doesn’t meet them. You talk and learn and grow from every relationship that doesn’t work. It’s practice in getting to know what works for you and what doesnt... the hard way.

DaggersandDots · 2020-10-25T08:04:53+00:00

Some more practical things you can do:

Focus on improving yourself, on hobbies, work (if that is possible for you), turn off notifications on your phone. Be genuinely busy or go do cool shit, but also make an effort to be available to the ppl in your life. I think neither guys nor girls like someone that is just waiting around for them and kinda smothering them. The key is finding a balance, but not allowing girls to dictate how you prioritize your time.

2020-10-25T09:52:29+00:00

They key to not being needy is not being needy. Have other things in your life that is more important than her. Maybe you’re in the gym when she textes you, then remember to be focused on your training rather than her. Or you’re doing some work, don’t get distracted by her. Also mirror her texting speed and length. If she always takes 4 hours to respond do the same aswell. How to beast have made some very great YT videoes on exactly this. Good luck

MihaiRau · 2020-10-25T10:32:07+00:00

You've got to start, chances are high that you will get rejected a lot, but you will learn from it and in time you will get better. Repetition is the mother of all study. You will eventually reach a point where you don't care if you get rejected or not, this will make you look cool and will improve your chances.

revente · 2020-10-25T11:30:01+00:00

You need to get actual experience, lots of it. No way arround it. Work on bettering yourself until the lockdown is over and then start few social hobbies and start approaching, preferably during nightgame.

DankDab101 · 2020-10-25T11:09:52+00:00

Jump into the gym and make yourself say “god damn I’m good looking and any girl would be lucky if I settled for them” me working out and me not working out have two different confidences and it shows with women

TigerWithAnxiety · 2020-10-25T10:45:12+00:00

Idk neediness is my weakness I love it. I’m needy in return. This is probably bad advice but maybe just tell the woman it’s your first time with all of that stuff, some women are super judgmental about it but some women really admire it and think it’s sweet, like me. Good luck with the future! (:

2020-10-25T11:21:33+00:00

the thing I find hilarious is that there's this whole song and dance around the fact that it's about sex when all's said and done. I've had girls tell me "well first thing u need to do is get 'getting pussy' out of your head cuz that's disgusting" , or that sex being a personality trait for men is "subhuman", and yet you cannot trust any girl whatsoever who acts as if she's never acted a hoe or suddenly seems like she's acting asexual. because it's complete bullshit. women are no less sexual than you. she either is acting that way because she's not personally interested in you or it's some wacked up form of psychological screening I don't understand

supersam112 · 2020-10-25T13:07:20+00:00

Why are you needy? I don’t think that lack of dating experience is the issue here. Dating is really no different then getting to know a new friend, and thinking otherwise is the issue. When we go on a date we have no idea who this person is, and the idea that we can romantically like someone without knowing them is silly.

Title	How to not seem needy when you kind of are
Author	throwawayvirginac
Upvotes	95
Comments	37
Date	October 25, 2020 3:16 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/jhmg78/how_to_not_seem_needy_when_you_kind_of_are/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-to-not-seem-needy-when-you-kind-of-are.1504560 https://theredarchive.com/post/1504560

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