How different is the timeline for everyone ?

Elawn · 2024-08-14T16:40:41+00:00

Totally anecdotal, but I think it scales with how long you were together. 12 years is a long damn time, and I am deeply sorry you had to go through this. But be kind to yourself— the grooves in your brain created by that relationship will run deep, and it will take an understandably long time before they’re smoothed over.

Someone told me there was a study done on grief after certain life events, and divorce ranked 2nd on the list— HIGHER than the death of a spouse. The only thing that topped it was death of a child. You are going through what is scientifically proven to be one of the absolute hardest things a person can go through, and the pain that comes from that can hit you like a fucking ice-cold lightning bolt out of nowhere.

When that happens, immediately shift your priorities to self-care/pain management. Fuck other people’s opinions about you taking time for yourself in whatever way you see fit (something I had to repeatedly tell myself), it is vital that you treat yourself in the same way you would treat a person who is going through something harder than the death of a spouse. Other people likely won’t fully understand, because it’s unpleasant putting themselves in the mindset of such grief, but you should know (and we here on this sub do too) that your pain is 100% valid, and whatever you need to do to get through it in the moment is the right thing to do, full stop.

Icerunner45 · 2024-08-14T04:04:36+00:00

I just hit 12 years in June and it’s starting now. This seems like such a weird point that all these stbxw’s keep doing this exact same thing. Screw them dude. They were the ones who decided to blow up a good thing.

keencone · 2024-08-14T00:17:45+00:00

There’s no timetable or any sense to the process.
I promise you are now in a much better spot than you probably even realize.

I’m 2 years and 1 month from Separating, 6 months from the final decree. I was depressed and heartbroken for a good chunk of 2023.
Over time I am genuinely grateful to be free from what I thought I couldn’t bare to lose and don’t feel jealous or yearning for the past.

But strong feelings of resentment, disgust, and anger over how it all went down do make guest appearances seemingly out of nowhere…. I’ll go weeks and weeks without too much thought over it and then have a flare-up… it’s definitely not as gnarly compared to the early stages though, I assure you it REALLY does get so much better.

dafastestogre · 2024-08-14T00:03:19+00:00

So I'm coming up on my three year mark of being left/divorced. She asked for a separation in June and it officially imploded in August.

The first benchmark was when it officially ended. The "separation" was exhausting so having it over over felt like someone lancing a bad boil.

My uncle told me not to date for a year, I tried after 6 months, I should've waited for a year. Dating was hard because you walk through all of these things you did with your wife and now you're doing them with random new people.

The next year and a half of dating were hard but I honestly felt my strongest when I was repeatedly able to walk away from situations that would have been fun but not permanent if you know that I mean.

I'm in my first big relationship since then now at the three year mark and that's had it's own challenges. You question a lot about yourself after getting left and I'm just open with my current girlfriend about those doubts, those battles in my own head.

For me the holidays have been the toughest part. I had a hellacious upbringing that left me with no family. So I'm coming up on four years of no birthday, no thanksgiving, no Christmas. It's weird to me to be in a spot where I matter again.

If I were to advise anyone, I would stick to the timeline my uncle gave me; no dating for a year after the divorce is official. Then date badly and slowly have new experiences. Healing is a long process and will honestly continue into your next marriage. But her behind you and a new girl in front of you.

LoveCrispApples · 2024-08-14T00:02:56+00:00

I think you'll find the timeline differs for everyone, due to many contributing factors. Length of marriage, the depth of the union, age, careers, whether or not there was any infidelity, abuse, addiction, etc...Having children together obviously changes the dynamic considerably.

I feel your anguish. It has been 7 and 1/2 weeks since my STBXW said she wanted a divorce and vehemently shot down any request I had to seek counseling together or separately. Oh, I heard plenty about how everything was my fault, and as I started asking questions and "bargaining" as so many of us do/did it just got worse. At one point she was clearly trying to get me to question my own sanity.

Your 12 years of rubbish sounds eerily similar to my 16 years of rubbish. And here's something else-- when you share children, no contact is also rubbish. And, an impossibility. We just have to suck it up and deal, right? But HOW?

I finally decided that it didn't matter if her being nice had to do with something she wasn't telling me. I further decided that it doesn't matter if her being cold, cruel, and insensitive meant she actually detests me. Or, that she's being that way to justify her own actions and possibly concealing pain or the feelings she claims she doesn't have. Like she had once said, "My feelings are no longer yours to care about."

And she's right. So I don't. I see her just about every day of my life, and it's never easy. To keep my emotions in check, I go stoic the best I can to protect myself. I certainly don't let her know how I'm feeling anymore and only discuss matters concerning the kids. And even then, I keep it as brief as possible. Yeah, I see how beautiful she looks. I see the old look in her eye sometimes... but I try not to see the woman I love-- because in truth, she's gone. My best friend is long gone too, and there ain't a damn thing I can do about it.

I'm 52 now. It's getting to be about time I realize that agonizing over someone who doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore is a complete waste of time and energy. The moment we believe it, and not just say it, hear it or read it, the quicker our recovery commences. Lie to yourself if you have to.

My ex just left here an hour ago to drop off the kids. My subtle body language showed her the stoop was far enough. No, the coffee isn't on for you.

OP, focus on you. Your energy is yours now. Time is what we make it.

ColdEstablishment172 · 2024-08-13T23:50:42+00:00

I'm 6 months out and I feel optimistic. Pain comes and goes. I think it's more after shock. But I'm making the most of it. Tonight I have a ONS scheduled. Lol

DicksOut4Edamame · 2024-08-13T23:02:25+00:00

Bro, it DOES get better. I was on an eerily similar timeline as you with regard to my own separation and divorce and still felt like shit some days, as far as 2 years and 3 months after “I think we should separate.” On those shit days, I tried to remind myself how far I’d come - even the shitty days weren’t as bad as the shit days early on. It’s all a process, man.

I started practicing radical acceptance of everything that had transpired and giving myself grace and understanding when I felt awful.

You’ll get through this, like I did. There’s no timeline and you aren’t broken or weird or anything else. Love yourself. Love that you cared so much for this woman. And start seeing her for what she is - a quitter, self centered and a selfish. You’ll be better off. Trust me.

God bless. Much love

Title	How different is the timeline for everyone ?
Author	Miserable_Ad_1172
Upvotes	13
Comments	18
Date	August 13, 2024 9:39 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1erjpfm/how_different_is_the_timeline_for_everyone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-different-is-the-timeline-for-everyone.1527190 https://theredarchive.com/post/1527190

Comments