I have this struggle in my head between being a man who acted from hurt and being a man who is a selfish, lying asshole. From the beginning of my 20-year relationship, I was immediately placed into the “chaser” role. I was continually in fear of being abandoned because I could never be good enough. I was the one she settled for after her first choice fell through. I wasn’t outgoing enough, ambitious enough, confident enough. I began getting my needs met by other women who flirted with me and complimented me. Other women told me I deserved better and I liked to hear that. I thought I needed their validation.

My wife and I are separated now and she gets all of the sympathy. My faults are highlighted. I had an “emotional affair.” I was a pothead (six years clean). I had tangible flaws. I feel guilty about those mistakes. However, I never expose her mistakes. No one knows that she lied to me, gaslit me, chastised me, and told me I didn't deserve to be respected as a man, compared to a child. No one knows that she was completely controlling, manipulated me using shame and guilt, and displayed narcissistic tendencies. Her family has given me up after 20 years because she’s given them her side of the story. My family still loves her and checks on her. I want to destroy her reputation too, but I don’t have the heart to do that. I want to allow my family to have their relationship with her autonomously. So, because of that, everyone will believe that she is the victim of me, this heartless, unloving man when the only thing I ever sought from her was for her to accept me as I am. I never wanted to hurt her by anything I did and I didn't run away from accountability. I know I fucked up, and I don’t know how to acknowledge accountability without ignoring that she was emotionally abusive the entire time, right down to the end. Has anyone had this conflict within themselves?