how to differentiate between a player/a man who doesn't want to commit to any woman yet vs a man who just doesn't see you as the "one"?

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-13T02:03:24+00:00

Some men will tell the “heartbreak story” as a way of getting sympathy in order to acquire sex (“Aww he’s so high value yet wounded from a past gf; I bet I can heal him/ I’m different” falls into bed with him, then he leaves If his wounded story is true, it sounds like he would be a highly avoidant partner that makes a woman jump through hoops to earn his love which makes her a puppet, not a partner.

It’s so hard in the initial dating stages because a man might say “I’m not looking for anything serious”, and you should believe him. However sometimes a man will say “I’m looking for a relationship” and you still shouldn’t believe him because they know that kind of talk gets a girl’s panties wet and therefore a greater chance you’ll end up in his bed. Most men seek sex first, and a relationship later (caveat POSSIBLY with men of Faith but not always). And sometimes, a man puts the bar high as a way of subconsciously avoiding any relationships.

If your goal is marriage, then I think being upfront with that after a few dates whilst not getting too sexual until a relationship is established is key.

We are all flawed, none of us are perfect. General things to vet are his character, watch how he treats his family/ strangers/ your friends/ co workers. When you see possible red flags, self reflect and ask yourself “could this become a bigger issue in the future? Are these things I could live with, and can I accept this and not get mad about it later because I realize that’s who he is?” (Meaning can you be accountable to yourself that you chose to be with him when you knew how he was already/ don’t expect him to change).

Make a list of what you want in a partner (qualities, attributes, life direction, etc) and then ask yourself “Am I the kind of person that would attract that man?” Then become the best version of yourself that THAT type of man would want.

CountTheBees · 2025-07-13T07:08:44+00:00

Men who don't want to commit to any woman will literally do just that, stay single. Eg

he hasn't even been "exclusive" with any woman in the past 4 years

Actions over words imo. If his words and actions don't align, that's already a bad sign, but always believe what they do not what they say. How does him wishing he was married every year track with him enjoying being single? It doesn't.

he made fun of this boundary I had set

Him making fun of your boundary is very self serving and disrespectful. It's quite obvious he wanted sex, and didn't respect you or he wouldn't have made fun of your boundary.

visibly uncomfortable during vulnerable moments and would physically leave the room even if he was the one who brought up an emotional conversation

Maybe he's okay on the surface but scratch deeper and you see that he is unable to even hold a serious conversation.

A man who wants to settle down with you would be able to have the hard conversations and his actions would align with his words. There would be no weirdness, no second guessing. Ask more, not less. Your respect for him would grow rather than diminish, the more you ask and learn about him. It's easy to get dazzled by wealth or prestige but money is no substitute for a man of integrity.

Antique_Mountain_263 · 2025-07-13T12:45:16+00:00

Sounds like you dodged a bullet for sure. He was trying to get sympathy from you so that you’d have sex with him. That boundary protected you from heartache and other issues. Good job on having it!

Any guy who is highly desirable in his mid 30s and wanted to be married and have children would be by then, barring some rare situation. I wouldn’t even give him a second thought.

If you’re in your early 20s, you’ll find the best guys in their 20s as well. I was 22 and my husband was 26 when we started dating. And many of the other strong, happy, attractive couples I know also started dating when both were in their 20s.

Wife_and_Mama · 2025-07-13T01:10:16+00:00

I realized he follows and listens to red pill man advice

That's the red flag you missed. We warn women away from Red Pill aware men for a reason. Men looking for commitment aren't typically involved in this community. The ones who are are just looking to get laid.

He also didn't have a good relationship with his staff at his company

As I hope you realize now, if a man can't get along with anyone, he's the common denominator.

he hasn't even been "exclusive" with any woman in the past 4 years

This is a red flag. Honestly, it's also a red flag that these men date women in their early 20s. I know a lot of men in their mid-late thirties and every single one of them would feel like they have nothing in common with someone so young. Many would be creeped out by the idea. I get that its nice to date established men, but if you want to avoid the ones who just want to have sex with women in their early 20s, don't date over 30. If you want more specific age guidelines, look to the half plus seven rule.

"The "half your age plus seven" rule is an unofficial dating guideline that suggests the youngest acceptable age for a romantic partner is half the older partner's age plus seven years. For example, a 28-year-old shouldn't date anyone younger than 21, and a 50-year-old shouldn't date anyone younger than 32. The rule is often attributed to French author Max O'Rell and is sometimes said to have originated in France."

YoyoPeaches · 2025-07-13T01:04:05+00:00

For one, you being early 20s and him being 35. Major red flag.

also him making fun your boundary of not sleeping with him is major red flag. I am so proud of you for sticking with this!!

Dionne005 · 2025-07-13T15:08:15+00:00

He’s just trash. Believe it or not a lot of women are just throwing themselves out there at men on one night stands etc more than we think so there is no reason to commit. But I don’t believe his story about being 35 and hurt. Grow up. Totally using this as an excuse.

LateralThinker13 · 2025-07-14T20:13:32+00:00

how to differentiate between a player/a man who doesn't want to commit to any woman yet vs a man who just doesn't see you as the "one"?

Does it matter? You're not getting him either way.

I was not sleeping with him since we weren't exclusive and he made fun of this boundary

Any man who doesn't respect this boundary isn't high value and isn't LTR material.

he told me he had his heart broken by a woman in the past who he was with for 4 years and it took him a year of therapy to get over it and work on his pattern of how he trusts women. He said each year goes by and he freaks out that he is not married yet. He also said he doesn't want to ever again have his heart broken by a woman so he won't get into a relationship until he's 1000% sure she is "the one".

As you likely know by now, most men find TRP via relationship trauma, as you describe. Sounds like he's still not over it - he still needs therapy. This guy doesn't need a relationship with anybody right now, he needs to get his head fixed.

this man who is highly desirable

Is he though.gif

has been single for almost 4 years, despite saying he wants a family and kids and has dated a lot of high-value women.

See my therapy comment above. He may very well want these things, but he'll never be able to progress in a relationship until he gets his shit together. And that'll take therapy to deal with his relationship trauma. Until then, he can want it all he wants but he'll die alone.

I once knew a guy - tall, dark, and moderately handsome. Educated, engineer, very intelligent, eloquent and entertaining. Even good with other people's kids. But because he ONCE in his 20s got royally used, abused, and taken for a ride by his ex, he never dated again. Now he's nearing 60 and will die alone and mostly friendless, and I can't pity him because he's his own worst enemy.

oofieoofty · 2025-07-14T11:21:32+00:00

He doesn’t want a family or kids or he would have had them. He was with her for 4 years and never married or had kids with her? He wasn’t that into her either.

sine120 · 2025-07-13T04:24:49+00:00

What a man says is irrelevant, you're not looking hard enough at what he's doing. Men marry when they want something from a woman they can't get without marrying her. Usually this is some combination of kids/ sex/ domestic labor. Frankly speaking, you didn't offer anything (that he wants) that he can't get from someone else for less effort.

You're barking up the wrong tree if you want marriage, pick someone at your level.

SeaMuted9754 · 2025-07-15T12:51:06+00:00

You already dodged the bullet by staying out of the bedroom before you were exclusive. Keeping your boundaries strong is the way to avoid people who just want to use you. This method lets the trash take out themselves.

Plus the guy was 35 and still not looking to put a ring on it within a year is a hell no. I don’t like dating too old because older men are far too ready to get married. In my experience they don’t want to get to know you. They just want consistent sex and a hot secretary.

Sheetmusicman94 · 2025-07-14T18:48:45+00:00

Wow, quite an intelligent question, Reddit you surprised me! (Honestly)

I would say that it is about whether he initiates or not. If he doesn't he is neither a player nor does he see you as the one.

If he initiates, he is either genuinely interested or a player.

And the one who is interested and doesn't see you as the one .. is also the player

AutoModerator · 2025-07-13T00:57:10+00:00

Title: how to differentiate between a player/a man who doesn't want to commit to any woman yet vs a man who just doesn't see you as the "one"?

Author Significant_Cut_1092

Full text: Hello!

I'm a woman in my early 20s and had a short-term dating experience with a 35 year old man (he's quite attractive and well-off financially and also charming) who told me he was looking for a serious relationship. We dated for a month or two, things were going great although I realized he follows and listens to red pill man advice. I was not sleeping with him since we weren't exclusive and he made fun of this boundary I had set and soon after ended things. When talking about his previous relationships, he said he's been enjoying being single the past 3 years, didn't "love" his ex girlfriend (6 months) so he broke it off.

After things ended between us, I was quite sad but just thought he probably wasn't into me. It's been a year since then and he was recently posted on one of those dating groups on Facebook by a woman who dated him for a while and she said pretty horrible stuff about him: how he is controlling, says he wants marriage but just wants sex, etc. A few other women also said they had poor experiences with him and a few more said they just hookup with him from time to time.

When he ended things with me, he told me he had his heart broken by a woman in the past who he was with for 4 years and it took him a year of therapy to get over it and work on his pattern of how he trusts women. He said each year goes by and he freaks out that he is not married yet. He also said he doesn't want to ever again have his heart broken by a woman so he won't get into a relationship until he's 1000% sure she is "the one".

Now, this man who is highly desirable has been single for almost 4 years, despite saying he wants a family and kids and has dated a lot of high-value women. This made me wonder, do men like him just have a really high bar for the woman they'll commit to (he hasn't even been "exclusive" with any woman in the past 4 years) or just enjoying the casual sex they have with many women? And as a young woman with not much dating experience, how can I spot these men early on?

Thank you!

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