When seeking a casual relationship, do you let them know before or after the first time you sleep with them?

hunterpua · 2025-11-25T01:33:37+00:00

In my experience, it's easier to manage with better timing and better execution.

How are you planning to bring it up? "Hey, I just want you to know I'm not looking for anything serious"?

There's a better way.

I've set up casual situations from both before and after sex for around a decade.

After sex is a lot more simple so let's start with that.

First of all, you don't want to do it after the first time. Do it after the second time.

Why? Because you don't know if you'll keep sleeping with each other after the first time.

It might end up being a one time thing. And if it is, there's no point in clarifying the situation.

So do it after the second time, because that's when she might be thinking of having sex with you repeatedly.

But not immediately after you finish up and you're laying in bed next to each other. Just some time after, when you're just chilling.

Could be the morning after if she sleeps over or the next time you hang out. You don't have to treat it with urgency. The more matter-of-fact the conversation is, the better.

For example, one time I brought it up with a girl as we were in the car on the way to my place, presumably to have sex for the 3rd time.

I picked her up at around 11pm from a nightclub she was in because she was annoyed at one of the girls she was with and wanted to hang out with me instead.

We started off talking about her night and the annoying girl she was with then I transitioned to say this:

"I just wanna talk about what's going on with us. I don't know where you're at on this, I do want to know. But right now I think it's important that I let you know where I'm at because I respect you and want to be honest with you.

I've been having a great time with you. You're really sweet and caring and so fucking hot and I wanna keep seeing you but I think it's important you know that right now I'm not looking for anything serious or exclusive and I'm not offering that. And I'll understand if that's not what you want.

You don't have to make a decision now, just let me know how you feel about it when you're ready. And if you're uncomfortable with coming back to my place tonight, that's fine too. I can take you home right now if you would prefer that."

Just deliver that in a very matter-of-fact way. Don't make a huge deal out of it. And please don't copy that word for word. That's not a script. I came up with that in the moment, for her specifically. Try to understand why it's structured the way it is instead.

She responded after thinking about it for a minute. Told me she was fine with it. Told me she still wanted to go back to my place, and we continued the conversation to iron the situation out.

Once we got back to my place things were sorted and we had sex for the 3rd time.

Doing it before sex works just as well, it's just that you need to know how to flirt.

Most guys think they know how to flirt but what they're actually doing is hitting on women.

The difference between hitting on a woman and flirting is like the difference between a movie trailer that gives away the entire plot and one that teases you, leaves you extremely curious and second guessing yourself, with no idea what the actual movie will turn out to be like, but extremely eager to see it.

Rule of thumb, if you think you would lead a woman on if you don't follow through on how you've been interacting with her, you've been hitting on her.

You can flirt with everyone and their attraction and arousal for you will grow but no one will be totally certain that you were interested in them so no one will feel like they've been led on. If you want me to go into more detail on this, let me know and I will.

Another benefit of flirting is you never have to show any clear interest. You can get a girl into you without making her think you're into her. And that's key for setting this up before sex.

Let's talk about a girl I did this with my senior year in college.

She was a transferee. She was running late and I saw her outside checking out the room number to make sure she was at the right place.

A female friend of mine was sitting on the second to the last seat closest to the door, so I told her to switch with me so I'd be next to the hot new girl.

I actually gave her that reason. This is key.

So we switched and I opened the new girl as she sat down next to me. We just talked about partying and flirted.

But again, with actual flirting, everyone sitting next to us wouldn't know about it. To others, it just looked like we were shooting the shit about partying.

Anyway, I would end up spending an entire semester just flirting with her in class. Never asking her out, never kissing her or making any meaningful escalation, all while telling her and a bunch of my other female friends about all the other girls I'm sleeping with.

And that's why knowing how to actually flirt is so important in this context.

If I had just made it clear that I was into her, she would have hated me for talking about all the other girls I was sleeping with.

But basically, she and a bunch of other girls I was in class with already knew all the nuances of how I have casual relationships with multiple women and why I prefer things to be that way.

So by the time she asked me to come with her to check out a hotel her family was thinking of staying at when they visit, which led us to finally having sex, she knew exactly what she was getting into.

You don't have to take as long as I did with this girl. I could have pulled her in a week or two if I hadn't been neglecting her for all the other girls I was meeting.

My mindset was that we share classes all the time. She'll always be there. She can wait. The girls I meet through cold approach get priority. And if she ends up losing interest or committing long term to someone else, no biggie, I still have other girls.

So the key with presentating a casual situation before sex is number 1, knowing how to flirt, and number 2, not talking about it in the context of your relationship with her, just presenting in the form of sharing something about yourself.

That's all I did. I was just sharing my sexual experiences with girls in class and she already understood what would happen if she ever wanted to start sleeping with me.

I've done this on first dates too, with girls I've only known for a few hours, max. Just don't ask a girl out to a date or make it feel like it's a date. Just make it feel like you guys are hanging out doing something fun, and then just casually share about your sex life as part of the conversation.

The only purpose of a date is to give you more time to let things progress. She doesn't need to know it's a date or that you're interested in her. If you have enough rapport to wanna hang around each other, if you guys are flirting, if she feels good about doing things for you, and if things are physically escalating, you will have sex.

Showing clear interest is not a crucial part of the meeting stage. It's only optional. And it might benefit you more to save that for later.

A lot of times, I show clear interest only when a girl gets naked in front of me for the first time. Lol

HumanContract · 2025-11-25T12:18:43+00:00

Lying and leading women on for sex will get your dirty laundry aired out online at the least. You might get murdered if you cross the wrong person.

Virtual_Ad_4817 · 2025-11-24T20:51:12+00:00

I don't. The ones who are most serious about an LTR will ask you straight away on the first date. The ones who are open to a variety of things might feel it out first.

If they ask point blank I frame it like "let's see where it goes." I'm genuinely not opposed to getting into an LTR with a girl, but for that to happen it has to be worth it for me to cut off every other girl. And a lot of times I hate to say this but they don't bring much else to the table besides sex. I can get companionship from girls even if I'm not in a relationship with them.

Frankly that will cause a lot of girls not to stick around in a casual relationship. They'll either leave after they discover there's no LTR potential. Or they'll treat you like "mr. right now" and keep banging you until they meet someone else who they deem as having LTR potential.

The ones who are open and forthright about wanting a strictly casual relationship from the get-go are rarer. Either that, or they're just the more "woke" sex-positive types.

Still, other girls want a casual relationship but don't want to be upfront about it in the beginning because they're afraid of looking like a slut. In that case if you sleep with them and the sex is good they'll just let it happen and keep seeing you. The vast majority of women you're probably looking for fall into this category.

For that reason, it's not optimal to scare away the girls who secretly want a casual relationship but won't come out and say that in the beginning because they don't want to look like a slut - to you, or even to themselves. It's better to just have a fun date and then blow her mind in bed.

That's why the best way to do this is to not bring it up unless she explicitly demands an answer, and in that case I lay all my cards on the table and tell her "I'm definitely not opposed to it if it works out, but I'd be lying if I told you it was my #1 priority right now. HOWEVER if we end up hanging out and we really click, then I'd be a fucking idiot not to get into a relationship."

ChicoBrillo · 2025-11-24T20:25:17+00:00

I mean, in an ideal world we would all be straight forward about everything, but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes you think you're on the same page, but you're not.

Ive had people catch feelings for me when I was on a short trip to their city, like I thought it was self evident that it would be casual? Nevertheless, the heart wants what it wants.

When it comes to the apps, I try to state my intentions in my bio because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, nor do I want somebody to fall in love with me at this current stage in life I'm at.

I don't think I've ever just told somebody "Hey just so you know, my intentions of seeing you are completely casual". In my mind, it's something I want to feel out? The last partner I had, I originally was seeing as a casual fling, but we liked eachother so much we just kept wanting to hang out.

Idk if I answered your question. I guess I'd say trust your gut. It's not right to lead somebody on, if you know they want more than you. On the other hand, if they catch feelings for you, but you never lead them on, well, that's just how it is sometimes.

Certain_Process_7657 · 2025-11-25T15:48:47+00:00

In general don't explicitly talk about sex before you've actually done it. As for suggesting a casual relationship, you definitely can't bring up this topic until you've slept with her multiple times.

And most importantly, you have to fuck her right. Can't just be middling, mediocre sex she could just get from any guy.

Warm_Pineapple9440 · 2025-11-24T20:43:39+00:00

This depends on you and your values. What kind of a person do YOU want to be?

kathruins · 2025-11-24T21:38:03+00:00

that all comes down to you. do you want to be the type of guy that tricks women into sex or do you want to be honest? deep down you know that the women who would reject you based on that, would never sleep with you in the first place. you're tricking them into thinking there might be potential.

Siyuen_Tea · 2025-11-24T20:29:49+00:00

It's a gamble. Generally, after is better for you but sometimes if you establish it early, you give her time to accept it. If you keep at it and she likes you AFTER you've established your intentions then she'll find it easier to accept the next day. She might even take it as a challenge to win you over

When you do it after, they feel like they were used. Like you strung them along, got what you want and now want to toss them to the side.

Before can result in more rejections depending on how comfortable she's become with you. It's good to think of it as a part of the push/pull process.

tattooedpanhead · 2025-11-24T21:25:17+00:00

Look up "statement of intent"

dave-gonzo · 2025-11-25T04:50:28+00:00

"I thought you knew what this was"

Title	When seeking a casual relationship, do you let them know before or after the first time you sleep with them?
Author	nuckingfuts0
Upvotes	41
Comments	20
Date	November 24, 2025 8:11 PM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1p5rqck/when_seeking_a_casual_relationship_do_you_let/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/when-seeking-a-casual-relationship-do-you-let-them.1567326 https://theredarchive.com/post/1567326

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