As the title states when I began my first semester at university I was accused of sexual assault and my life has completely deteriorated.

One night after an exam my friend and I decided to get drunk and go to a park to fk around play on the swings and whatnot. I never got to really drink in highschool so this was a cool experience. Around 2am I got back to my place and my friend went back to his. That’s when I got a call from a friend who I’ve hung out with quite a few times and lived in the same residence. She told me she was coming back from a party and was coming upstairs to my room with her friends.

I was still pretty drunk at this point but I said sure and she ended up showing up with a bunch of strangers and one other friend I knew - along with a 1L bottle of vodka. We all started drinking and hanging out and later in the night when everyone was leaving the girl was refusing to leave saying she wanted to stay for a bit longer and that she’ll go after. She did something similar to this 2 days before the event when she wouldn’t leave my room when my friend and I were both in my room trying to sleep. I however was like okay and let her stay like it’s cool I’m very fkt up there is not a lot of things I would’ve said no to in this state. We start talking about our overall lives and stuff and she tells me how much she values me as a friend - and then she kisses me. We hooked up and afterwards I told her like you definitely don’t wanna wake up in a bed that’s not urs hungover I’ll drop u back home. So I took her home, went back to my place where she left the vodka, I took another shot and completely passed out asleep.

The next morning I get a text from her asking if she can get her stuff back. I said sure and she comes by my room. We start talking about last night and she asks “did we do it” - I replied with “indeed Madame, if you wanna run it back I’ll jump at the opportunity”. She said YES, And we proceeded to hookup once again and she left after retrieving her things.

The next day I was told I sexually assaulted this woman. She allegedly blacked out the night of and morning after and didn’t remember anything. Her and her friends began tormenting me for the rest of the school year - they would hang notes on my dorm door for everyone to see, slide notes under my door telling me to kill myself, and they’d wait outside my door to hear in on my conversations and taunt me. I completely isolated myself from everybody and was terrified of ever leaving my room. I would be threatened with getting reported to the police and after being threatened for months and finally not giving a reaction they went to the police. The 7 days I was put under investigation were the most terrifying days of my life. I overdosed on Xanax in the same week because I just couldn’t handle the stress it was tearing me apart. The police ended up dismissing the case right after conducting an investigation. Thank god as I do not think I would be alive today if I got charged.

Everyday I was in that dorm room I wanted to kill myself. Id have constant thoughts running through my head of “I’d rather my mom have a dead son than a rapist son”. Everyone I knew looked at me like I was a monster and I couldn’t go anywhere in school without being harassed.

To this day I still deal with the trauma it’s caused me. I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (already pre existent beforehand just kinda got 1000x after the incident), chronic insomnia, severe long term depression. I live in isolation and am constantly alone, I don’t have anyone left. I cannot live with this shit anymore I’ve tried I’ve tried so much to come to terms with it but every time I’m not high or drunk I can’t stop the thoughts. It’s always on my mind - I can’t sleep - I can’t eat - I can’t socialize, I can’t do really much of anything anymore. The intense drug use is rlly starting to get to me too and everytime I try quitting it all comes back and I become a shell of a human

In everyone’s eyes I’m a crackhead rapist. My life has never been that great but I was finally starting to get myself togeather in university, I was fixing my health, focusing on studies, and actively going to the gym and eating healthy. I cannot get myself to do any of that now. I hate myself I hate the situation I’ve put myself in and I just can’t beleive this is it.

I just can’t do it I JUST FUCKING CANT. Today’s another sleepless night. Life has never felt the same after what happened and I don’t think it ever will. I really just want it all to stop, I just can’t do it anymore. I just want to get better I’ve done all the therapy I’ve taken all the meds I don’t know what to do.

And I can’t just take the easy way out and kill myself because trust me I wish I could. I have a little sister who means the world to me to support and my mom’s who’s sacrificed her entire life to make mine something. I’ve failed as a son and a brother - weather I do it or not.

My family can’t even recognize me anymore - I’ve lost 30 pounds in these two years and I’ve overheard them saying I look like a zombie.

I’m really sorry for the long read I’ve just been ranting at this point idrk I’m just rlly not good.

If anyone has an idea of anything else I can do or anyway to quit the drugs without completely shutting down please let me know I’m open to all suggestions.

I know my situation isn’t as bad as individuals who have been put behind bars but this is something that I don’t think I can ever recover from. I know I’m young but I think it’s over my mind just doesn’t feel the same anymore and it’s my fault.