Depressed Captain

ayn-ahuasca · 2014-10-14T04:39:49+00:00

Man here. In my experience the best thing you can do is to take notice and give positive encouragement on any sign of progress, even if he so much as smiles. Seize that moment to go for a walk instead of suggesting it when he's unreceptive. As to how to treat him when he is not well, that is hard to say because I don't know him... he may need kind words, touch, or just to be left alone.

I have fallen deep into depression myself, and to make matters worse my wife had her own shutdown mode which she called "brain fog" during which I would be totally rejected even if I was happy. So we would amplify each other's illness, i.e. "emotional bullying".

So you are right to feel protective of yourself when he is down. Emotions are contagious. Try to bear witness to his struggle, without absorbing or amplifying the emotions yourself.

I'm sorry to tell you that the marriage did not survive. I don't think even TRP would have helped if I'd known about it then. The deal breaker for me was that any time I felt better she would crush me back into despair with cruel words, cold body language etc. Eventually it became obvious that I could not heal with her, and she did not want me either.

Has he read about TRP? If you are in sync on roles, and if he knew how to attract you maybe it would help. Depression is the extreme of failing to "hold frame".

SuperSlavisWife · 2014-10-14T12:39:40+00:00

There are two types of depression:

-Exogenous depression is the one most people are familiar with. It comes from a traumatic event and often passes on its own and can be treated with certain medications and therapy.

-Endogenous depression is becoming more common, but most people don't know about it. It surfaces on its own, can last a lifetime and therapy is generally useless, as are many medications.

Depending on which one he's struggling with, the help you can provide is different. Sometimes the only thing you can do is be happy and supportive, give him some room when it's bad and make sure the small annoyances don't build up on him.

MeowZedong- · 2014-10-14T07:26:43+00:00

A bit of a different perspective here but I think it reflects what has been said by other users. I have depression and it's something that, no matter how hard I try, will always be looming and creeping on my marriage. There's moments where I struggle and lash out at my husband. But God bless his patience, seriously.

Things to do: recognize progress. Notice when he's having a good day and compliment him on it. I loved hearing from my husband, "you've been so cheerful today" because it made me feel good like I was making progress.

Things to avoid: this might be an overgeneralization but I feel like people with depression hate being asked "why?". It made me feel worse/angry when someone would nag why I was depressed or "what can I do to make you happu?". Because more than often, there was no answer to that!

Overall this is going to be a LONG road. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but you gotta try to imagine if you can see your life like this forever. What if things got worse? It sounds like it's draining you.

Ibex89 · 2014-10-14T09:57:56+00:00

I believe I'm in step with the others here. I've suffered from depression for the last decade, and it's rough. First, I suggest you confirm that he recognizes that he is depressed - I didn't know I was until I had enough distance to look back on it, despite how obvious it was.

From there, it'll be his own struggle. If you can arrange it, I would suggest professional help, and bear in mind, therapists are all different - if one doesn't seem to be working, try another.

TempestTcup · 2014-10-14T13:21:32+00:00

I'm sorry, I had to remove this. Maybe you could post it in a sub like /r/depression or something, but RPW is not equipped to advise on severe depression. I suggest that you get him some professional help, and you could probably use some professional help as well since you have been dealing with this problem for a long time now.

ALadyLikeMe · 2014-10-14T19:14:25+00:00

My SO is a very happy, positive person but he struggles with depression from time to time. He's had issues as a child that were more dramatic but it seems to be slowly mellowing out as he gets older. It comes in waves that can vary from one morning to a few months long...but it is always temporary.

What I've learned is to "be grateful when things are up, and graceful when things are down" and to gently remind him of this too. Happiness comes and goes for all of us, but for some people the lows can stick around much longer and it can seem like there's no way out.

The worst thing to do during a depressive spell is for either of us to start analyzing things, as the results are always going to look bad. If he starts getting in the trap of taking his depression too seriously, it's my job to pleasantly distract him out of this state. Watching funny movies, outdoor exercise and other lighthearted activities are helpful. The goal is simply to pass the time until the depressive spell is over, and not to put pressure on him to try to speed the process up (this backfires). It can be stressful if it's a particularly long spell and he may be neglecting some of his work or other important things, but this is where practicing graceful patience comes into practice. Don't take things personally when he acts out of depression, don't get sucked into whatever he's stuck in at the moment and don't ever criticize him. In depression it can start feeling like he is all alone in this world and the one thing you can do is make sure he always knows he has you on his side.

Just keep remembering that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When he comes out of it he will be so appreciative that you stuck through it with him. Be sure to celebrate and be as grateful as possible when he's back to a positive state as you never know when depression might creep back in and you'll have to bunker down again. But there is really nothing quite as beautiful and loving as being there for both his highs and his lows. It is the kind of loyalty that my man truly loves me for.

Title	Depressed Captain
Author	LeggyBlueEyes
Upvotes	3
Comments	12
Date	October 14, 2014 3:55 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2j6ojb/depressed_captain/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/depressed-captain.165825 https://theredarchive.com/post/165825

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