Earlier this week the venerable Archwinger had a great post about sexual denial and withdrawal in a marriage or LTR. In sum he claimed that women have a serious aversion to unworthy men getting pleasure or orgasms.
This explains women's hysteria about porn viewing- yuck, an unworthy man is looking at girls and getting off. Ewww. He is CHEATING on his wife by doing that yucky thing.
This explains women's aversion to giving HJ/BJ in substitute for full out sex with men they deem "unworthy" because it is not about the sex or submitting themselves- it is about an unworthy man being 'allowed' to have an orgasm. Yuck!
This explains 'rape culture' and why women laugh hysterically about men being raped (don't bend over to get the soap now) while remaining horrified at the thought of ANY woman having sex without full written consent and signed forms.
This explains women dressing like sluts and then complaining when a(unworthy) man looks at them.
At first blush it explains female denial in a nice tight package.
However, although I felt there was considerable merit in Arch's claim I also thought there was something missing that bothered me all week. I have it figured out now.
It is NOT just that women who believe their man is a loser or not up to their ever changing standards lose attraction. IT IS THAT WOMEN GET INTENSE PLEASURE FROM DENYING THE MAN, WATCHING HIM SQUIRM IN DESPERATE PAIN, LAUGHING AT HIM ACTING LIKE A LITTLE BOY WHILE HE TWITCHES IN AGONY. They get a HUGE dopamine rush knowing that you are desperate to have sex and knowing it would not even be an inconvenience for them but actually would be pleasurable, but instead, leading you on mercilessly, and then pulling out the rug at the last second. Lest you think I am being dramatic go peruse r/Deadbedrooms for about 3 minutes.
The idea hit home when poster on Rollo's blog told a heart-warming story of a man who initiated with his wife and she turned him down saying: "No, I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me because you have not been meeting my emotional needs as a woman." The next day the man takes his wife shopping and they pick out diamond ear rings, a bracelet and thousands of dollars in jewelry. The wife gets more and more excited as they continue to shop and she continues to pick out expensive jewelry with the husband's encouragement. Wow! All that lack of action in the bedroom is really paying off for her! You go girrrrrl!
Finally she says: "I am ready to check out, lets take everything up to the register."
The man says: "No, I don't feel like it. I just wanted you to hold those items because you have not been meeting my emotional needs as a man."
I suspect he almost came in his pants when he saw his wife's look of horror and disappointment.
THAT IS THE FEELING YOUR WIFE OR LTR GETS EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE DENIES YOU SEX- BUT ONLY IF you react and lose frame. If you roll your eyes and go into ghost mode, ignoring her attempts to cruelly and viciously poke you full of holes you take away the pleasure she gets from denying you. Who remembers the grade school advice? Don't react to a bully and they will eventually stop bullying you.
Take away the PLEASURE women get from denying you. Stop being DESPERATE and use the time to get away from your hostage taker, lower your oneitis and Stockholm Syndrome, and begin cultivating other options (aka DREAD).
TLDR: Stop reinforcing and rewarding her sexual denials. Maintain Frame, cultivate an IDGAF attitude and ultimately, cultivate other options if the denials continue.
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