I posted the story below in my OYS, and decided to expand into an FR to see if I can get some additional analysis.

As I note in my OYS, it seems to me that in general on a regular day, I handle tests lead the family well. Wife will happily follow provided she's got no pre-determined opinion - this is 95% of the time. "Let's have x for dinner", "I'll go to this function, you go to that one", "No, kids need to do homework now, not later" However, when I decide to confront something that I'm not pleased with, or if she's stubborn, I fail. Essentially, I have strong enough frame to command ambient niceness and respect, but not strong enough that I can get away with something generally considered bad behavior.

The original story in my OYS:

I was a school function for one of my kids, and wife & I drove separately since she had to stay late. When it finished up, I was looking to get home ASAP to get a number of things done before the end of the night. On the way out, wife is talking to a dad in the hallway - as I pass, I interrupt to say "Hey, where is ? Is she coming home with me or you?" Slightly rude, sure, but I had shit to do and had no intention of standing in the hallway there waiting my turn. Easy for her to say "She's "....then I can leave, and she can get back to her conversation. Instead, I get the "You can wait" finger. I fume on the inside, and walk away rather than be put in my place. I proceed toward where I suspect my daughter to be. I find daughter and she wants to leave with me. Wife hunts us down and I say " is coming with me, see you at home." Wife gets into "Don't interrupt when I'm talking to another parent....blah blah". I say, "No, I expect an answer. But I'm not going to fight with you about this at school. See you at home." Topic doesn't come up that night, but the following morning I can't stay quiet and bring it up: "I don't exactly have a habit of barreling into your conversations, so when I interrupt, I have a reason. You could have answered me in two words." . Her "No, I feel strongly about this - that is rude, blah blah". We go back and forth about two more times, I repeat myself, (trying to broken record, but still DEERing): "If I interrupt you, I have a reason, and I want your to answer me." she continues to argue, I leave the room. The end.

Here, I was admittedly being a dick and in an unnecessary rush. I can think of 10 things I could have done to avoid the confrontation - a more tactful interruption, just went and searched for daughter on my own, stood there like a putz waiting for her to finish. But I didn't want to avoid I consciously decided "Fuck it"....I provoked it but then did a shitty job handling the aftermath. And my own hamster about "losing frame" led me to bring it up the following morning, to where I basically just turned one failure into two separate failures. As a frame test, I'm obviously not at the point where wife will drop everything just because it's me...maybe that's beyond where I'll ever be able to be. Evidence of progress is that something like this used to lead to a day or two of cold war silent treatment. However, after killing a few silent treatments by being oblivious to it or good natured harassment, it's a move she hasn't attempted for more than 10 minutes for almost 2 months now. Used to be a weekly occurrence sometimes.

In his reply to my OYS post, /u/bogeyd6 ask for some additional context.

The most relevant additional context is this: My wife's got a prominent, visible job in the school system. When we're around the school crowd - which is virtually anything our kids are involved in - she feels like she always needs to be "ON". This incident being at school, she's in professional mode despite being there as a spectator. I'll add that I wasn't interrupting school related conversation - they were talking logistics about another kid's activities.

When we're away from the school crowd, as I say above, she's mostly happy to follow, provided she's got plausible deniability about being submissive. When we're with family or friends (non coworkers or non school parents), she's maybe a little more shit testy, but also satisfied to follow provided I pass the tests. This is just like anti-slut defense...."Anti Submissive Defense". So she can continue to see herself as Strong Independent Woman ™, who don't need no man, because that's what she's supposed to want. And judging by this story, among the school crowd, she's got an iron grip on the frame.

I remember a part from Ironwood's book of alpha moves, where he's describing a professional gathering for his wife. He makes the point that a woman with professional status can confirm her social status by being submissive to her husband. Logic being that a woman of high value will marry "up". And if she's willing to be submissive to the man she's with, she clearly married up, because she wouldn't submit to a loser. (Obviously this only works if the man fits the part). Anyway, I don't see this idea finding its way into my wife's conscious mind. She wants to maintain a certain image with those who interact with her professionally, which is her as uber competent and in charge. I can understand to some degree. However, she's my wife and I'm not going to stand patiently next to her like a fuck waiting for my turn to talk, so there's the conflict.

In the OYS thread, /u/2gunsgetsome asks if I'm trying to mate guard or AMOG the other dad. In this case, no. A few dads in that crowd could maybe give me that mate guarding instinct twinge in my gut in the same situation. This guy, not an issue. In looking closer at this, it seems I'm actually trying to AMOG my wife.here.

So maybe that's me getting over my skis a little bit, because I've upped my SMV and get more enthusiastic sex, I thought I was farther along than I am. I'm now the hawt sitcom dad, but sitcom dad nonetheless. Which is apparently good enough for home, but not for work.