Wasn't sure if it would be better to post here or the deadbedrooms forum, since I’m not married and my bedroom isn't dead, but in the end I thought I’d get a better response here. I’m 33 and have been living with my girlfriend who is 29 for about 18 months now, and more or less everything is great. My main issue is with the idea of responsive desire. My smv is higher than my partners, any female she has introduced me to tells her how they fancy me, she has seen girls trying to pick me up when out together. I'm just about to finish my masters degree, have no kids, financial commitments, in really good shape, own place etc. Every now and then I have to use some of the tactics e.g. the other morning I initiated and she said her hands were tingling and can we wait till her body wakes up, I just got dressed and went to the library to work. She knows I value myself and don’t need a relationship and could take or leave her, already told her I’m never getting married. When I initiate I probably have a 9 out of 10 success rate, but I’m starting to see it as a chore. I’m not in a situation where I have children or financial ties to her, and even though I’m able to keep her desire on a slow burner, it just feels like too much effort for the return. Sex is important to me as a sign of her love for me, so the fact that I have to start it off seems like too much work, especially as I know that I could go to a club later on a have no problem taking a girl home , not that I want to.
For example last week we had sex multiple times everything great, from Monday I decided not to initiate and see what happens, and since then nothing. She has lived with someone before and I haven’t, I’m not used to anything apart from women initiating as much as I do, so I realise this may be perfectly normal, but I’m struggling to come to terms with it. I read peoples stories and think that is what is in my future if kids and a house etc were added to the equation. A few weeks ago during her period she complained of being neglected, because I wasn’t hugging her, holding her to sleep etc as much. I explained to her that I can’t separate my affections from each other, so I can’t switch off my desire for her for one week but maintain all the affectionate stuff she wants, it’s all or nothing…during the week again shell completely shut down though in the past she has given me a bj, she appeared to understand my point. However its now been a week since anything sexual has happened and she’s due on in about a week.
It’s got to the point now where I don’t even want to have sex with her, I studied philosophy for my degree and now am doing criminal and investigative psychology so looking at things logically and objectively is something I’m trained in, I was a fan of Diogenes ever since I heard about him. My ability to turn off my emotions is something Im proud of and has stopped me falling into the same traps as friends of mine. I’m not looking to have another conversation with her about it, and try to negotiate some desire, this morning she made a comment about how soon shell be feeling neglected again, to which I didn’t respond. She has gone out with her friend for the day today and won’t be back till late; I’m considering going to visit my mum and staying there tonight. Apologies…just realised how long this is. Opinions welcome.