Should I allow benign bossiness?

[deleted] · 2014-10-01T21:25:33+00:00

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SWABteam · 2014-10-01T01:51:50+00:00

IMO it depends. If it really is more convenient for me to do something I don't have a problem doing it. Its the we are both sitting and she makes me get up 3 times in a row to fetch stuff crap I refuse to do anymore. I won't be treated like a damn slave

user_none · 2014-10-01T03:36:23+00:00

Been there, done that. Been married three times (don't start!) and the third was bossy as all get out.

Do not stand for neither the bossiness nor the controlling behavior. All of that is a massive shit-test and you're failing miserably. I realize you like to help by doing things for your wife, though if you're putting down what you're doing to take care of something she can just as easily do, that's a big, gigantic "No". I'm a helpful person by nature, as I believe you may be as well, and if not kept in check that helpful part of us can lead to being walked on very easily.

FarFace · 2014-10-01T09:20:38+00:00

This does need to change. Start now. It is not benign. It will grow into resentment on both your parts.

I am working very hard on this same thing with my wife. I'm trying to balance the fact that she's pregnant and has very real requests that make sense for me to do to help v.s the bullshit requests that have grown into a way too regular thing (regardless of her pregnancy).

I've realized I need to slow play a lot of these RP transitions (except all my personal improvement).

Here's some things that I've been doing to work gradually into breaking her habit that might be helpful. Also, I was given a good amount of good advice in my post about my situation as well, so check that out. Credit where credit is due.

Does she say please and thank you? If not, start enforcing it playfully, but hold frame and don't do it unless she uses the "magic words" this will at least start to bring her into your frame.

Start working on projects around the house that are important to you. You should have a sense of when she makes most of these requests, time your projects with that. Tell her you can't, because you're in the middle of something when she wants something. DON'T APOLOGIZE for not being able to do it. Your time is valuable, demonstrate it, and protect it.

If the requests are ridiculous, like every time you sit down she asks for something else, just call her out on it and refuse. Maybe start with the third time in a row she asks, then the next time, cut it off at the second time.

If she asks, always try to have a reason to at least delay it: bathroom, something you were about to check on, etc. (Don't get predictable though)

Another valuable point I was given that I've been using too, is to find a way to make her request inconvenient to her as well. Watching TV together? Pause until you get back. Getting her a drink in the kitchen? Take your time, make yourself a snack and eat it in the kitchen, then return, on your own time.

As you start changing the dynamic, start incorporating more and more refusals with little or no reason.

Again, see the advice I was given in my post, there was a lot of good stuff given to me in general that will help this specific problem.

Even if you slow play it, she will push back. Hold frame. It's easy to do amused mastery in response to being questioned about why one should use please and thank yous or why they can wait until you're done doing something important when requesting things they can do perfectly fine for them-self.

Read When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

[deleted] · 2014-10-01T21:15:49+00:00

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En_sigma · 2014-10-01T12:48:35+00:00

One of the techniques a woman will employ in order to bend you to her will is to ask you to do things you were already doing. For outsiders, it looks like you are following orders. Like the frog in the hot water, she will attempt to incrementally increase the pressure of her will until you jump when she whispers hop.

I will say that they are outright happiest when you are NOT serving them.

In answer to the original question, find a reason to delay the action for a while. If you are up and she wants water, tell her you were going to do something else ( I like to employ the "take a dump" technique - cuz she does not want you handling her water after that no matter how well you washed). With the garbage, I would say that I was doing something else and I will get to it in a while. Or ask her why - this freaks them out because now you are questioning what she is doing and she has to come up with a reason that is not "because I said so." Whatever the reason, tell her the garbage is fine the way it is - unless it is a valid reason. "I just put the hairball that the cat puked on the rug in there and the smell is contaminating the gourmet dinner I am cooking you" is one of the few valid reasons.

One last suggestion is to throw her own hamstering back at her. If she wants water, pour it, then put it on the counter and take out the garbage then get caught up doing something else - ergo she gets no water. Find a way so that she does not get the satisfaction of you being at her beck and call.

UEMcGill · 2014-10-01T13:13:20+00:00

Sometimes the garbage does need to go out. Don't become a complete asshole to make a point. She wants you to demonstrate resolve in your leadership with a shit test, sometimes she just wants the fucking garbage out.

My wife does the water thing. I think its something they learn in girl school. Sometimes I say "nope, doing something", sometimes I say "What's wrong with your feet?", or sometimes I'll do it, but make her grab my junk and then tease her with "Hah, you just whored yourself out for a glass of water". Always make it on your terms.

MetacognitiveMan · 2014-10-01T17:24:12+00:00

This one is actually easy once you get comfortable saying "No."

If it is a reasonable request then I just go ahead and do it. If not, I just say, "No."

I_AMA_Naughty_Boy · 2014-10-02T22:30:34+00:00

I've noticed the same thing. Hold frame by changing your response from 'yep' or 'uh huh' to 'Sure!' or 'Of course' tone and volume are critical here.

Make sure you are a little louder than her request. Make sure she hears your response. Because it's your response and tone that indicate you are making the choice to do this favor for her. (Your frame. Not hers)

If you are mumbling a 'yeah' you indicate being submissive to her demand.

Most important. Regardless of if she says 'thank you' or not. Say 'you're welcome' in the same tone and volume you used when you told her you would do it. Either way it works because w/o a 'thank you' you make her acknowledge her rudeness or expectant/demanding behavior. With a 'thank you' you still reinforce that you made a choice and could choose differently next time.

TRWolf · 2014-10-24T17:50:14+00:00

This is HUGE for me. My wife is horrible about this, and I enabled her bossy control-freakishness for so many years. I would love a lot more discussion about this dynamic because I have found it to be a complicated mix of interrelated issues.

Title	Should I allow benign bossiness?
Author	Chimpsteel
Upvotes	8
Comments	18
Date	October 1, 2014 1:31 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2hy6na/should_i_allow_benign_bossiness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/should-i-allow-benign-bossiness.202965 https://theredarchive.com/post/202965

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