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Preparing for fatherhood

by 1puck | November 18, 2018 | askMRP

15 upvotes

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TL;DR at bottom

Started digesting RP material a year or so ago. My LTR was pretty shit. Turned the horse around a few times then immediately went BP again every time things were going well, it's like some fucked up autopilot. I'd sober up and stick myself back on the path. So far so good, it's been a long time since I felt like the centre of my universe. This time around was the first time I truly felt prepared to leave the LTR and just rip off the bandaid, it would hurt but I knew I would be okay with time (having a busy life now definitely helps). I also realized that maybe she's just not the right fit for my life and just because I improve, she may not.

She's come around again for now and I don't feel myself slipping like I used to, but I'm well aware of how easily it can happen. Some part of me didn't come back to the relationship this time. Honestly hope to keep it this way, I get more stuff done. Fast forward a month, she's pregnant. Can't say I'm not pretty scared, but I'm also quite calm and feel a strong desire to be prepared. I've discussed with her about the kind of parent I want to be and the kind of environment I want to raise it in and she seems to fall in line with it pretty well for now. I've also discussed how things have been rocky, and how things are going well right now but that if we come back to that again then it will be best for the child for us to separate. I'm not sure that was necessary, at the time it felt like an important boundary to set, but she was receptive to it and it came about naturally and not in a super negative way so maybe it's no biggie.

Anyways, now I have a child on the way and have no clue what to expect. We both have strong support from our families so I'm not as concerned about getting clothes/bottles/toys ect. However I am concerned about just the general day to day stuff. Maintaining a social life. Being the captain of my ship. Managing my time and not being worn out and giving up on my personal goals in life (this is a big one. I still have a lot I want to accomplish in life that having a child will definitely make more difficult). When and how to discipline my kid. Making friends with other parents. Also I'm not where I want to be career-wise and have only recently started taking the steps neccasary to get me where I want to be. I'm asking here because it seems like a lot of reading material on fatherhood seems quite infested with a BP agenda. I know I don't have many specific questions, but ill take any advice no matter how simple or obvious it may be.

TL;DR

LTR pregnant. Not sure if we will work well together or not. Things are okay for now. Desperately need to know things that father's should know in day to day life, don't trust many guys IRL for advice (Most are very BP) or whatever buzzfeed shits out.


Post Information
Title Preparing for fatherhood
Author 1puck
Upvotes 15
Comments 37
Date 18 November 2018 01:37 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/203787
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9y22gu/preparing_for_fatherhood/
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Comments

[–]SepeanRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Get the breastfeeding up and running properly. There’s some stuff with sucking technique, positions, arm/shoulder pillow support that gets the baby feeding properly without damaging her nipple more than necessary and without straining her shoulder and back.

Get a Gina Ford book on how to manage sleeping schedules for the baby.

Taking care of the baby is a one man job 95% of the time - take turns so the other can rest/sleep. Sleep in another room and/or with earplugs.

Throw and tumble the baby, great for their balance and motor skill development.

If she doesn’t want help, don’t keep on asking her if she needs something. You’re supposed to do more and she needs help, but don’t go into chasing her around - do what you can see is needed and she can ask you for the rest. It is very easy to go beta or at least appear beta.

As the baby becomes a child, don’t be afraid to challenge it. Tell it no. Teach it to handle disappointment instead of cuddling it. Teach it to handle teasing from other children like we handle shit tests - ignore it or tease back; it is a game and the first to get sad or angry loses.

If it is a boy, teach him to fight. Judo or wrestling is excellent, very dominant technique, non-violent, and has sparring from early age.

[–]helaughsinhidden5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Congratulations! Fatherhood is awesome and it is the reason for all of this to be honest. Being captain now means something far more important than just getting good sex, it means raising healthy well adjusted children. Shit just got real! God bless all three of you!

[–]ParaXilo10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

I mean it's in the sidebar but dread is not advised during pregnancy.

Even post partum. You can look at my post history to see the stupid shit I did. Top level faggotry.

So as for her even small changes could throw her into a hell storm. I mean she's miserable and carrying a parasite basically (House M.D. reference). So proceed with caution. Since you're unplugged or kinda unplugged. You're in a better place than most of us that knocked up our wife/LTR PRE-MRP/TRP that at least have a Clue. Still work on yourself.

I also realized that maybe she's just not the right fit for my life and just because I improve, she may not.

Well as your partner or not better be prepared for her to be in your life or not if you want to see the kid. People can act like adults or not. Frame is a big part here. Always have a stronger frame.

I've discussed with her about the kind of parent I want to be and the kind of environment I want to raise it in and she seems to fall in line with it pretty well for now

Not wrong with setting your mission and vision but STFU and act probably apply here.

However I am concerned about just the general day to day stuff. Maintaining a social life. Being the captain of my ship. Managing my time and not being worn out and giving up on my personal goals in life (this is a big one. I still have a lot I want to accomplish in life that having a child will definitely make more difficult). When and how to discipline my kid. Making friends with other parents. Also I'm not where I want to be career-wise and have only recently started taking the steps neccasary to get me where I want to be.

Welcome to hard mode. It doesn't get easier with a kid. She's gonna be tired. The baby is gonna take priority. You could STFU and handle shit or rambo like I've done. You got some time on discipline. You can accomplish things with having a kid. I still plan on getting my masters and Doctorate one day. That won't change. It'll be an example for him that shit isn't handed to you. Work with what you have. I'm working on the making friends part. I've slacked. Getting back to work. One day at a time. Stop worrying about things you can't control and focus on what you can. Raises stress way too much.

If you want to keep the family together cool. If you want to walk that's on you. It's like you said being the captain of your ship. Theres going to be suggestions on how to raise a kid. There's no cookie cutter how to. They poop, play, eat, piss, and cry for a while.

The adventure is gonna be what you make of it.

I can't speak for everyone but the day I held my son solidified I needed to make changes.

Biggest advice. Enjoy the fucking ride. My son is 6 months old and I love that little guy. He's cute as fuck too.

Figure out your priorities and get to work. This was longer than I intended.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret4 points5 points  (7 children) | Copy

Oh fuck. Here we go again

Own your shit.

Lift.

Lead.

Read sidebar.

Keep your balks out of her purse.

Stand up to her.

Treat your child like he/she is your child and not someone else’s that you are babysitting.

Read up on pregnancy, delivery, nesting, post partym, and really listen when she talks. Put your fag phone down and actually listen, ask questions. Don’t fix what your listening too just comment or ask.

Fake it until you make it, extreme leadership- your life will be on easy street and she will be DTF and you will not be one of the fag masses that can’t gey no pussy for 18 months after the first kid

Fuck her good every time, in the 7 month every night if you must. Even if your dick is going to fall off.

Tell her she is hot daily. Not when the tits are out feeding though.

Be one of the “non statistics” and actually have a life away from them, not only for you, but them too.

Lift. Lift. Lift. Lift.

I ain’t got no beer belly, never have and I ain’t no sap, and I won’t take no shit. As a matter fact as a father I was called into a meeting at my youngest’s school because he was being bullied.

I told the principal “if you won’t protect him, cause you got too many kids, then I will teach him to fight and he will kick some ass”. She says “fine, but I will have to put him in detention”, “agreed”.

A month later after 8 sessions of BJJ, he kicked the fuck out the bulky that had been leaving bruises on him for a couple of months in P.E. class during sanctioned wrestling. Teachers had to pull him off the crying bully

Take no shit. Extreme Ownership. Show masculinity through and through She will thank you in spades, like you cannot believe.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Hmm interesting, I think I need to learn to fight... Then teach my boys

[–]ParaXilo1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Common trend is BJJ it seems in MRP.

Mix it with muay thai and you've got a solid standup and ground game.

There's sport BJJ and self defense BJJ. Street fight ain't no way in hell I'm going to the ground or staying on the ground.

Krav might be good but wouldn't want to even deal with a knife if I can pull my gun first.

[–]redwall922 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Common trend is BJJ it seems in MRP.

I went with boxing. Just the sweet science. Something about it spoke to me ... not sure why, can't explain it entirely, but it works for me. Signed myself and my oldest (15yo) up and we've been doing it for about 9 months now. It's like the gym. There's confidence that builds within from being in the ring and having a gloved fist coming down the pipe at your face. Then taking the next one in the liver... Bad days at boxing class are just like bad days at the gym. Suck it up. Go the next day. Earn your stripes. Grow. BJJ may be next for me or us or maybe for me and the next oldest. We'll see what happens. But growth will be involved.

[–]1puck[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've been doing bjj for 4 months now. Aside from the confidence built from the techniques, the ego death and physical benefits, it's also just been a good way to hang out with a bunch of cool dudes who you may not have ever had enough in common with to meet otherwise. Cops, fighters, accountants, salesmen, tough guys, smart guys all there helping each other learn how to turn another human being into an unconcious ragdoll. I love it

[–]ParaXilo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's the best. Been on and off for 8 years and next promo is my purple belt but doing a few tournaments till that happens and if it happen before then I'll still go and compete.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Put them in BJJ and step back.

It’s not a good idea to teach unless you know exactly what you are doing.

Get into BJJ yourself to get out of the house

[–]WesternhagenWinner0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There was a fight at my son's grade school last month. One kid picked on the other, and finally the victim got pissed and beat the crap out of the other kid in the bathroom. They both got suspended for a few days. So different from when I was a kid. Then, if there was a fight, the teachers would say, "OK, break it up! Now shake hands and go back to class." And that was usually that.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

it's been a long time since I felt like the centre of my universe.

There is your problem faggot.

Fix that, nothing else matters.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy

You will never sleep again.

[–]ParaXilo4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ain't that the truth. 4 hours is a blessing.

[–]1puck[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I've bottle raised a lot of newborn kittens for a rescue and they need fed about every two hours so I at least know we've worked well together taking turns getting up at night for that.

[–]ParaXilo7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah. Not the same. Just wait. You'll see. You'll see.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

not the same

Only because SHE will be different. Well fucked and 2 hours of sleep is not the same as screaming harpy and no sex for 2 months.

[–]ParaXilo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Gonna respectfully disagree. Feeding a cat every 2 hours isn't the same as feeding a baby every 2 hours. Cats go do what they want after. A newborn or infant doesn't and still needs attention or to be held.

You're not wrong but there is such a thing as being too exhausted for sex or anything. Stress and exhaustion does that to you. Especially long term stress and exhaustion. That shit's a bitch.

Then again my wife is probably just still unattracted to me so I don't know anything different.

[–]mattizie2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

You say LTR, not WIFE. Why? Are you married? Is this the woman you want to spend your whole life with? Did you want kids in the first place, or were they an "accident"? Have you done everything you want to do with your life already? Don't sign any papers or legal documents, including the birth certificate until you get a DNA test done, and make sure she knows and agrees to it beforehand. Do not take responsibility for a kid that isn't yours.

As for fatherhood, my kid's only 3, but from my experience she's going to do most of the work. You should be financially secure enough to live off of one wage, so that she can stay at home and nurse the baby until they're at least 2 years old, 3 is ideal. Breastfeeding > bottle > formula. Don't let the baby sleep with you in the same bed, but do get them their own separate cot, that somewhat joins to your bed. Later, when they can sleep through the night, move them to their own room. Other than that, women are generally really good at doing motherly shit, so they'll figure it out and won't need the 3+ parenting bibles you've bought them.

[–]1puck[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Im not married. I don't want to be married for any reason other than legal/monetary/tax benefits and ways it can help my child which I need to read up on.

As far as being with her forever, I'm not sure. If she continues being valuable while I own my shit then I think it would be good. I wanted kids later in life when I could be better prepared but then again I'm sure most people would feel this way. Now was definitely an "accident".

I haven't done everything I want to do in life. I don't imagine I ever will, I think it would be a waste to not continually add to that list as I cross things off. The big things for me though are personal goals for my creative side. I struggled for a while unsure of how to pursue these things, and I've come to terms with the best way of achieving them being to pursue a career separate of them rather than splitting hairs trying to turn them into a job.

My ambitions aren't to make the most money, they are to be comfortable and have the time to create and explore. With my kid on the way, I imagine I'll need to manage my time well and balance work, family, hobbies and social life to fit.

[–]mattizie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Smart man.

If I were you, I'd pull the Hail Mary, but yours will probably succeed because you mean it. Unless you've got everything planned out and budgeted for, and can financially support both your kids and your wife while she looks after them, I would advise my wife LTR to get the abortion.

If she can't be relied upon to not have children when you're both not ready for them, she's a liability. It's not just this child, this is just the first. How will your situation change if you fast forward a few years or so, you've made some sacrifices but managed to get the finances in order, and she decides that she wants another one and gets pregnant again?

I wish you luck mate, whatever you do. Sounds like you're going to need it.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Turned the horse around a few times then immediately went BP again every time things were going well, it's like some fucked up autopilot.

This is normal. But if you’re not reading and practicing the sidebar and lifting, you will continue this indefinitely

No dread during pregnancy. Sidebar 101. “Digesting “ TRP won’t get you very far without the readings.

During pregnancy is not the time to determine if you two work well together. Sounds like you want to run for the hills to me.

[–]1puck[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Ive been lifting since discovering TRP. Lifting was the best thing for putting me back on track each time.

It's not that I want to run to the hills, I just know that I have to be more supportive of her during this time and I'm not wanting to preemptively let myself have any excuses for beta-ing it up.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fair enough

Figure out ways to be alpha while doing thins for you

Hint: do them because you want to

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You'll never be prepared.

Read the sidebar prerequisite books at /r/marriedredpill

Don't be a pussy

Don’t assume any of it is going to come naturally. Learn about kids. Learn about effective discipline concepts and how they relate to child development.

Recognize that the specific words you use mean very little to a child, even when they're older.

[–]1puck[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Read the link. Really like that stuff, falls in line with what I imagined to be effective.

Do you care to elaborate on your last comment?

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Do you care to elaborate on your last comment?

Example at 6:10 in this video.

In short, you can't talk the kid into being the kind of person you want them to be. There's a hierarchy of communication. Words are at the bottom. Next is tone, followed by body language. At the top are attitude and the subtext of your actions.

Be the kind of person you want your child to become. The rest is patience and a rudimentary understanding of child development and psychology.

Elevate everyone around you by being better. It doesn't always work with adults, but it works very well with kids.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well you will need to have a new mission that involves kids and plans to implement it.

Some things to consider; Internet usage, TV watching what/amount, Physical activities outside of school, Discipline strategy, Allowances, Religious education, School districts, Daycare facilities, Dating rules, Kid playdates/socialization, and What attitudes you allow your kids to have with you (ie your frame with respect to them).

Kids are a long-term project. Begin with the end in mind (Covey). Always think about how what you are doing or what you allow to be done will impact their character and physical development when they are older. Well behaved teen-agers are well behaved kids. Starting to be a good parent after spoiling them for years by being weak and stupid will meet with resistance later (i.e. they won't want to be in your frame unless they have always been in it). What they learn very young bears fruit in a good or bad way when they are in their terrible teens.

[–]1puck[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good food for thought there. The internet/phone stuff later down the road hadn't even crossed my mind yet. Lots to think about..

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

This time around was the first time I truly felt prepared to leave the LTR... She's come around again for now... Fast forward a month, she's pregnant.

Pregnancy trap, anyone?

Not really enough detail here to be helpful. Do you cohabitate? I'm guessing yes from the feeding kittens thing. How are your finances handled? Who sets the agenda for your social life?

I ask things like this because if you have a woman who thinks she's co-captain then you're fucked without some serious role redefinition. If you mainly run the show then you're in a better spot, as you can set expectations and show her how your new domestic life will function.

Ideally: she does 80+% of moment-to-moment child care (feeding, diapers, etc.) You focus on those things you want to accomplish and making sure that there is money coming in, hopefully in abundance (if not excess).

Your social life will take a hit, but it should be temporary until you can get into a routine/rhythm. Under no circumstance should you fall for the "that's not fair" shit test. As in, "That's not fair! I do all the baby stuff, I want to go out with my friends too!" Your only response should be from the family of "You're the mother," or "Yeah, life's not fair," or "Too bad."

Welcome to Ludicrous Speed. You'll now have the challenge of keeping your woman in line while she is a cocktail of hormones and sleep deprivation, all while trying to overcome the friction this creates in accomplishing your goals. Enjoy!

[–]1puck[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

We've lived together for 4 years. We split everything 50/50. I have the more active social life, when she does want to go out she prefers me with her. She does think she is co-captain, or at least has for a long time (hence me seeking out and finding RP). When I've not been fucking up shit/comfort tests and have been a busy proactive person she tends to ramp them up a whole lot, I've stayed in my frame and she eventually catches up. The problem is once she's behaving the way I enjoy, I get too comfortable, start slipping and she's back to being a harpy.

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

the kind of environment I want to raise it in

Notice your languaging! The reality has not hit you about "it" just yet but I promise it has hit your wife.

When does the "it" become your baby?

[–]1puck[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Damn. Now.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Gratz!

Have a cigar

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’re in a great position going into this with red pill knowledge.

It will be very hard in the beginning, but do realize that those sleepless nights don’t last forever.

Be supportive and caring, but don’t slip into beta retardation. May want to get a side piece for the first year.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Kids are more intelligent and resilient than most adults want to give them credit for.

A child's problem are as real to them as your problems are to you. I am always appalled at how arrogant and dismissive parents are.

Lots of kids act out because negative attention is the only time they get attention. So make sure you're paying attention when they're acting positively too.

Pick your battles. Very few things are that important in the grand scheme of things.

Here's an interesting thread from recently



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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