Telling me how to discipline kids

MrChad_Thundercock · 2018-11-06T11:47:53+00:00

Are they really young?

She is probably misinterpreting your way as not doing anything. Look at her parents, one of them probably lashed out the same way to her- that’s all she knows how to do.

Stop DEERing and explaining. Maybe they do need an immediate punishment, hard to tell.

Tell her to hit the fucking road if she doesn’t like it. Man up on her, not the kids.

FoxShitNasty83 · 2018-11-06T12:16:50+00:00

Two things that work for me, when they are miss behaving and not doing what they are told I lead them to another room and actively encourage them to "get the silly out" go on wave your hands in the air, go nuts run around for a bit actively encourage and do the same.. ok come here let me look in your ears (hmm) open wide... Ahh yes still more silly in there let's go again. Once the silly is all out then we can carry on with whatever they were doing.

When they lose their shit and calm talking isn't working or they are kicking off angry style. It's time for a daddy hug, hold till they are calm... A few tickles here and there. They cannot move, kiss on the head... Ahh daddy time. (Got this tip from someone here .. damn hero)

Look at wife.... Do you need some daddy time?

Wife even says to them, if you don't behave your going to have to do some daddy time. She isn't strong enough to restrain them.. But you are?

Chad is right, who cares what she thinks do it your way. Kids will respect you for it.

470_2_700_nm · 2018-11-06T13:13:46+00:00

My wife likes to direct how I should act or what I should do, not just with the kids, but with everything.

This morning she set an expectation from bed to one of our children and then asked me to follow up on enforcing. I said “no” with no explanation. Blue pill me used to jump up all the time (god damn it I was so hen pecked back then).

Didn’t let it stop me from kinoing her ass with my dick, but any verbal intercourse was reserved forhow her ass and skirt makes my dick feel.

She loves to judge, and to show bitchiness. I stay calm ourtwardly, and mostly internally. In fact, she did it his morning, and on the way out after having largely ignored her comments she yelled from the door as she was leaving “goodbye!” I walked straight to her, stood tall and let her lean in for a kiss. She couldn’t resist rubbing my balls before her departure - kids right there.

I’m going to make her come hard tonight. See they just need to know the man they are with is the right bet. The closer to Chad we become, the less this this hypergamous doubt plays on their cute little brains.

As a final note - I can’t tell if your wife is a crazy bitch. But I will say this: I have a neighbour who is inconsistent with his kids behaviour. He is repulsive to the women who watch him. His kids suck too. Ask yourself this: why is your wife feeling the need to play the hard ass? Does this seem backwards to a typical mother father kid dynamic? Because to me it most certainly does.

fruitylad · 2018-11-06T12:52:23+00:00

My thought is that disciplining children has two goals. One is to correct the immediate behavior, while the other is setting an example of how to appropriately deal with others. If you find a way that you can successfully do both, then stick with it.

Don't worry about how the wife is perceiving this. Her feelings are her problem.

UEMcGill · 2018-11-06T15:17:39+00:00

People have touched on it here and there but I'm going to say this succinctly.

This has nothing to do with your kids. Whether you beat them or don't discipline at all is irrelevant. You have boundary problems and if you do t get them under control it will only get worse.

We have a strict policy in my house. If you start the discipline, you finish it. This ensures the kids don't play you against the other spouse. I reserve the right to overrule all actions in the house. I call this the Silverback clause, and it's a right I've earned through years of leadership.

Sit your wife down after the fact when the kids are in bed and tell her.

"I need you to not interfere when I'm disciplining the kids. I also need you to not pass discipline off to me and niwther will I pass it off to you.

Can you do this for me?"

Then give her a clear boundary.

"it's up to you if you can or can't. But if you can't, I have to think about other options."

If you can't enforce the boundary don't have the conversation. Use your best WISNIFG. Don't DEER.

My wife has occasionally misspoke during me disciplining the kids. I quickly stop that shit in its track," knock it off right now. I don't interfere unless you ask for help." She usually quickly retreats and apologizes. After, I'll give her a chance to redeem herself and offer input to her actions. That's why I'm the Silverback.

RedPillCoach · 2018-11-06T16:41:30+00:00

Many women today see their roles not as a 'helpmeat' but as an opponent. No matter what the man does or says, she always takes the opposite and creates eternal conflict.

Every day is opposites day in that type of marriage and it can be absolutely maddening! You run around building a nice little sand castle and the bully with a vagina in your home follows you with a bucket of water. As soon as your castle starts to look decent she dumps the bucket and leaps on your sand castle with both feet.

The only thing you can do is to differentiate yourself to the extent where you are not relying on her agreement and validation to take care of your kids.

Here is the dynamic you have allowed to develop:

Husband wants something done, anything really: Wife digs in heals, undermines like a damn termite, and spends all her time destroying what you are trying to build.

Wife wants something done, anything really: Husband lowers his shoulder like a plow horse and tries to get it done for her.

If she is being unreasonable I would not argue with her. I would simply ignore her ramblings and do whatever you think is best. If she tries to physically interfere I would physically interfere with her and prevent her from physically interfering. If she tries to shout you down I would advise her that is not what we are doing and she needs to be quiet.

You guys need to have an agreement and understanding that this Cold War should not be fought over the kids.

In matters of sexual denial, the only solution is total victory for the man- with the wife or with somebody better. However, raising kids requires communication and compromise. You should compromise as much or even more than the wife but that doesn't mean you let her abuse you and the kids and shit all over you.

am i just being too soft

I have no idea based on your one-sided story. You may be or you may not be. However, if the only reason you are questioning yourself is because your wife is a criticizing banshee that is a terrible thing to base your behavior.

Do what YOU think is best. That may be listening to your wife. That may mean telling her to shut the Hell up, I have got this and I don't need you to interfere.

Guess who gets to decide? (Hint: Not your wife).

seedster5 · 2018-11-06T20:49:56+00:00

This sounds simple and stupid. But punish your wife. Her way is clearly wrong and harmful to development. Don't let her fuck with your kids heads. You are the captain and there is only one captain on this ship. I know it's nuking your relationship but fuck man I will do anything in my power so my kids don't grow up thinking yelling/shouting is a solution to the problem. No more explanation. That ship has sailed.

mrssmithhh · 2018-11-06T16:41:47+00:00

Yelling at kids or corporal punishment is just not a good idea. Kids can get desensitized to it and that means they will just push the envelope even further. When that happens you'll reach a point where either the kids will simply not care about your yelling or corporal punishments and/or you will reach a limit as to how much you can do it. This will hurt me more than you is a saying for a reason.

Yelling and/or spanking should be in your arsenal of punishments, but the least seldom used in order to be effective. Spanking is better used like a nuclear weapon. It's in our arsenal, we are prepared to use it, it's not our first option to use, but if necessary it will be deployed to effect. The threat of a spanking is often more effective than the spanking itself -- the ultimate punishment.

Yelling out of anger is just emotional contagion. Emotionally kids react to the anger and get angry or defensive themselves. Raising your voice to be dominant or to get attention is one thing, but just yelling is not productive. Watch SupperNanny if that show is still on. That nanny held a oak-like frame and didn't have to yell or use corporal punishment to enforce household rules.

IRunYourRiver · 2018-11-06T13:16:54+00:00

Kids shit test for many of the same reasons as women and the response should be similar. They want to know that someone is in charge. In my experience, you get better results when they do the yelling and not you.

Kpwn88 · 2018-11-06T14:25:48+00:00

Buy the book, No Drama Discipline and read it in front of her, when she asks about it, tell her she's more than welcome to read it with you.

Red-Nerd13 · 2018-11-06T17:34:48+00:00

I had an incident with where my wife was trying to pick a fight with me in front of our son the other day. I told her I wasn't having this discussion with her in front I'd him. If you want to have this discussion, we can wait until his nap. She proceeded to yell at me, 'oh yes we are having this discussion!'. I literally just responded with 'You can harp all you want I guess, I certainly can't contribute that'. Then I STFU, she yelled for a minute or two while I just ignored her and went about my business like nothing was happening.

She calmed down later and we had a nice civil conversation discussion about it. That discussion opened up with an apology from her & it hasn't happened since.

I know it's not exactly a parallel situation, but you need to simply ignore a behavior you don't approve of. When she starts yelling at you to do something, you just ignore her. Do what you feel is best if you truly do feel that you're doing the best thing. If needed, get the kids and leave fit the park without her or something.

mrssmithhh · 2018-11-06T17:44:05+00:00

Sounds like she is repeating her own childhood experiences and does not understand that children are people, too, and don't automatically need to be punished for every little things. People that act like that were usually punished, themselves, for the silliest things. Sound like she interprets domination, force, and bullying as being a leader.

Not sure what all you can actually do except for fold, and start yelling at your children to appease her, or take control of the situation and hold fast to your own standards of behaving with integrity towards your children, and insist (lovingly, of course, but still unbendingly) that she confront her own, personal reasons for lashing out at yours kids.

There's not really going to be a middle ground. If you fold, this will probably continue and escalate as the kids get older and into "bigger" problems, and essentially you will be choosing to sacrifice your kids to appease your wife.

officerkondo · 2018-11-06T19:35:56+00:00

Ask her if she understands why you two do not yell and shout at each other when you have a disagreement. That is the same reason why you do not yell and shout at your children.

weakandsensitive · 2018-11-08T03:10:36+00:00

have you tried spanking your wife for misbehavior?

weak leadership breeds resentment, frustration, and poor behavior.

everythingyouthink · 2018-11-28T13:24:03+00:00

Calmly modeling appropriate behavior to your children is the right thing to do. Who wants to live in a house with yelling all the time. You’re teaching your kids how to take control o their emotions and modeling to them how to raise their children.

Tell you wife that you’re adults, and not going to yell like toddlers.

You’re on the high road. Keep it up. Keep explaining to your wife.

friendandadvisor · 2018-12-20T21:17:47+00:00

One thing that parents such as your wife don't realize is that THE CHILD IS DESIGNED TO BE LOUD, STUPID, AND DISOBEDIENT! Your wife sounds as if she is frustrated at the kids for being like this, which is like being frustrated at a child for not knowing Calculus or Thermodynamics. She is also probably frustrated because she 'told them a thousand times not to/to do X'. Forgetting and disregarding stuff is also programmed into children of that age. Remind her that she should be happy that they can get rambunctious, for that means that they are healthy and developing properly, and that the opposite would be 10000 times worse.

Her frustration is also reasonable, wherein lies the paradox. You should start calling her down with these reminders when she goes overboard, and trying to educate her right then. Take her, gently, aside and tell her "I'll deal with it", and send her to another room. Not as punishment, but, to get her comfortable-maybe even tell her to get naked.

fruitylad · 2018-11-06T12:56:54+00:00

I’m reading a book that explains that often when kids misbehave it’s because they are looking for attention, whether it’s good or bad. Even you yelling at them is attention and it’s better than no attention at all. All about operant conditioning.

They act a certain way=you respond to them=they learn to keep doing it because it got attention.

Some behaviour needs to be ignored. As for getting your wife on board, have her read the book too and explain that yelling is counterproductive and actually can damage your relationship with kids.

https://www.amazon.com/Ignore-Selectively-Behavioral-Parenting-Satisfaction/dp/0143130331

BigGayGainz · 2018-11-06T14:04:50+00:00

If your kids are crawling all over your wife, being loud and distracting. She might need a break, that stuff is draining, they can go play in another room. You shouldn't let your kids do things that make you not like them, some day soon they will need to interact with people who don't love them. If you teach them to be cool they are going to have an easier time in life.

fruitylad · 2018-11-06T14:52:29+00:00

I've read a few books.. id have to skim through them again to remember which one recommends what.

But kids are emotional and a simple loss of something insignificant (to us) can cause a huge surge of emotions that they might not understand or have the ability to manage. Even as an adult you can get cut-off on the road and have a surge of anger... kids don't understand how to control that surge

My first step is typically connecting with them that "yes, daddy gets mad when there's no more chips when he wants them too" - Just like wives want you to listen without solving problems you cannot rationalize the emotions out of a kid. Connect to the emotion they are feeling... make it known that you feel it too and things will be OK. Help them breathe through it.

Now, with that said... When the kids do something bad I have no problem quickly grabbing them and putting them into some type of 'time out' corner. I speak to them sternly and let them understand that they will be in that corner until they calm down and if they yell or scream (which is their default reaction to being put in time out) they will stay in that corner for MUCH longer. After 2-4 minutes I go back and talk to them and let them understand that I feel those angry emotions too sometimes... I help them relax and tell them I will be back... After 1-2 more minutes I ask if they are ready to go back.. I give them a hug and that's it. Do not force them to say 'sorry' as you are training them to lie to get out of trouble.

My wife also has the skewed view that yelling at your children is discipline but giving them the tools to handle their uncontrollable emotions is weak. I've since told her that if she wants to go back to our grandparents era I will be expecting a clean fucking house and dinner ready every day. Otherwise she better drop her out-of-date ideals.

Title	Telling me how to discipline kids
Author	fruitylad
Upvotes	11
Comments	54
Date	November 6, 2018 11:34 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9unkra/telling_me_how_to_discipline_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/telling-me-how-to-discipline-kids.203817 https://theredarchive.com/post/203817