Escalation

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ice_walker
May 18, 2018
9 upvotes
askMRP

So she escalated the situation with MrNewageguy much quicker than I had anticipated, when she comes home today and say they have had lunch together.

My idea was at first to do nothing, but now I couldn’t. I set a boundary and told her that after what she’d said about this guy it was not OK to go on a lunch date with him. Se tried to hamster about “but he’s so much older and he’s in a relationship now, i didn’t see him while he was single” and blah blah.

I tried to remain calm (managed OK) and repeated that this was a boundary for me and she caused it herself after all the shit she said about him previously.

Hard thing now is not to fall back into her frame of course, will still retaining the boundary...

I think we are over actually, she will keep on doing things like this until I kill the puppy, she has not enough respect for me. But we’ll see, I haven’t really set any boundaries before, so maybe something good can come out of it after all.


Post Information
Title Escalation
Author ice_walker
Upvotes 9
Comments 51
Date 18 May 2018 03:39 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204476
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8ke3wh/escalation/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
framehamster
Comments

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy

You calmly say "My wife doesn't go on dates with other men." And when she leaves, you call a divorce lawyer.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't think OP took the purpose of his flair to heart,

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why is this so hard?

"But she's doing it just to agitate me." So? Enforce the boundary.

"But he's just a beta to her." So? Enforce the boundary.

"She thinks I won't really do it." So? Enforce the boundary.

"But if I enforce the boundary and divorce how will this change her?" It wasn't supposed to change her. Enforce the boundary.

"But I really think my boundary went too far and it doesn't really matter to me if she dates him." Well...then you're an idiot.

[–]johneyapocalypse4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

A woman with no boundaries craves boundaries.

Or strange.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Or strange boundaries.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red5 points6 points  (18 children) | Copy

I didnt see the first post but, speaking from direct first hand experience:

Women do not tell you overtly they are cheating if they care about the relationship at all.

Lunch dates do not equal cheating.

If she wants to fuck him, the back of the car works fine.

If she wants to fuck him, she will.

The fact she is telling you is like rubbing a dogs nose in its shit. Dog cant do anything about it other than lick his nose to get it off.

She is trying to make you butthurt. And it is working.

Either you set a simple boundary and enforce it or you dont.

Is this a coworker? Or some rando?

I dont take my plates to lunch. I just fuck them.

Regardless, if my wife was going to lunch with a rando she would no longer be my wife.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 1 point2 points  (16 children) | Copy

There’s a long backstory here. He he’s been a common friend for years. We’ve done lots and lots together. But this winter she started to use him as a weapon, said he had been flirting with her (which I don’t believe), and that he is attractive, and that I should ask him for advice on sex (!)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

What was the context for telling you to ask him for sex advice? It’s pretty fucking weird that she’d suggest that. As if she’s been talking with him about sex or knows first-hand what he’s like. Major red flag there, and I’m having trouble seeing it any other way...

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

She thought my initiation was too straight on and I was too blunt. He’s a small, very timid and calm guy, I guess she meant I should be more like him.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

The subtext of that is “you’re unattractive and he isn’t .”

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agree

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red-1 points0 points  (11 children) | Copy

Common friend?

So you are a faggot in both their eyes?

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

Yea I guess everyone sees me as a faggot. Except you. Haha.

But seriously I’m asking, do you think I should talk to him as well? I think it might be innocent from his side, but he knows we’ve had problems in our marriage.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Idk what talking would accomplish.

None of my friends would ever talk or engage in that kind of conversation material with my wife. Nor would they ever think of taking her to lunch solo. And we have some of the same friend since HS.

Men do not take women to lunch unless they:

Are coworkers or business related

Are fucking them (he/she)

Want to fuck them (he/she)

Are complete emotional tampons for them (beta)

So the question you have to ask is which one of these four options is likely your friend?

Flexing on the common friend, when you have no frame to flex with will only show two people you are a mate guarding faggot.

You need to build frame, lift and start to draw lines in the sand on acceptable behavior.

Eventually getting to the “my wife doesn’t have lunch with other men” line.

You can say it all you want now, everyone knows it is unenforceable.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Emotional tampon I’d say is the most likely option.

She has met him solo in the past and then I was totally fine with that, that was before she started to compare me with him etc

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Like I said. Both of my plates are married. The only thing they ever say about their husband is.....nothing.

Not a word. Not a peep. Just my name and my name only.

Sounds like a case of AWALT and she is using him as an emotion tampon. Sounds like he needs RP as well as you do.

Maybe she needs some girlfriends to bitch to.

Either way, just focus on you.

Just ignore anything she says about it until you have the frame to set boundaries.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Too late, I’ve already said it’s a boundary for me. Have no choice anymore.

Yea I think it’s like this, he is a beta and that’s why she’s drawn to him and compares me to him.

Don’t see why he would mind being an emotional tampon, he has a girlfriend already.

[–]WesternhagenWinner0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

do you think I should talk to him as well?

Please. What is talking to him going to achieve? You think he's going to tell you if he's banging your wife or plans to? You think he's going to take you seriously if you try to warn him off (which among other things, will only clue him in that she's got the tingles for him, if he doesn't know that already)?

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Why is everybody assuming that he wouldn’t be loyal to me if I tell him my concerns? Aren’t there loyal friends out there?

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

What we are saying you thick skulled fuck is that a bro (or anyone) who respects you DOES NOT need to be told these things.

And you do not get people to respect you by TALKING.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fuck. I regret now that I didn’t fuck his wife when I had the chance.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

There are few things better than the satisfaction of looking another man in the eyes, and knowing that his wife will come and fuck you in the back of your car on a hot Texas day with 15 minutes of notice.

It puts into perspective exactly how little drama is worth putting up with from your real wife. And why working on yourself is the only investment worth making.

And how far you have to go.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lunch dates do not equal cheating.

+1

Dates are bad.

Lunch, at work, is meh.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

"My wife doesn't go on dates with other men." Say it and mean it.

It's a strong boundary, it doesn't place emphasis on any one guy, or Mr. Crystal Enlightenment she's wanting to hang out with in particular. He's just one asshole that doesn't concern you. Her behavior should be the focus.

You just have to have a valid and enforceable punishment on hand for violation of this boundary. If you fail to enforce, it becomes a suggestion, or a sign of jealousy, not a man living his frame.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Can I get a witness?!? Amen!

[–]broneilbro1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

My wife has maybe 2 girl friends, rest of her friends are guys because she's into cars, motorcycles etc, so I get shit all the time. She got some bolt-ons and when she told me her Orbiter said "nice tits" I told her "he keeps that up, hope he can afford the payments".

She will tell me she's going to meet X and Y and go for a ride (she has her own motorcycle) and I'm cool with that because I'm not going to put wife on lockdown. That's how you get expressway to cheating.

The issue I have and I set boundaries with it was no 1 on 1 "dates" either for lunch or dinner. She understood that because I told her I would address it once after reading NMMNG and boundaries. She said she was going to dinner with one dude and I was like "Hope he pays because my wife doesn't go on dates" she realized how it looked and did the "Holy fuck...didn't look at it that way" her orbiters don't come around for some reason or she keeps at distance.

I'm currently deployed but I'm doing better this deployment in not interrogating her when she hangs out with guy friends.

It got to the point where she would name them after I stopped asking cause I stopped caring. Still get slight envy because I'm deployed but it was not as bad as before. It's evolving.

TLDR: deployed and chads come out of woodwork.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

If you mean all this, you've come a fair distance from being the guy asking for PI recommendations.

[–]broneilbro0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you, but I have still ways to go. I realized that is the thing that attracted me but at the same time, since I was usually dealing with sorority chicks, I was hoping she would become the "ideal" girl. That is a false reality because women are who they are.

I finished the RM series and moving on to the other books. Rollo definitely hit the main points and while I am developing the anger phase it is going away. It's more of a shock to the system and when you reflect on where you were and where you are headed it can be overwhelming.

I think it when it comes down to it my sprinkle of stoicism in it and it is eye-opening. I have been reading a lot and I have some books to read before I get back, but its different seeing the world in a lens I should have been wearing a long time ago.

When I get back it will be close to a year of being gone, and with that the adventure starts. I have only myself to control and work on.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with SK, you've made quite a bit of progress from when you first posted here.

Still got miles to go, but you're starting to see the code.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It got to the point where she would name them after I stopped asking cause I stopped caring. Still get slight envy because I'm deployed but it was not as bad as before. It's evolving.

Awesome

[–]broneilbro0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah its been a long way but reflecting on years past is what makes it bitter. All the BP actions of the past are lessons for the future.

[–]Tebulus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're missing the point, dumbass.

[–]wildnight98MRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“Thanks a lot. Being stressed and pushed around was precisely what I needed...”

 

“You’re welcome!”

[–]RPWolfAlpha_as_Wolf_2.02 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Look man, you get into a relationship with anyone and you have to ask yourself and know what your non-negotiable items are and then dont fucking negotiate them. As soon as you do those goal posts get moved back and the other person knows they can keep moving them back because you wont do a fucking thing about it. I realized this after a lot of my boundaries had been crossed with no repercussions.

If she brings this up again your only statement should be, " OK have fun, imma call Dave?", "Whos Dave?" "Divorce lawyer, we are gonna need someone to help us split this shit up." and walk out.

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

Litmus test is what do you want? Some guys don’t give a fuck if their wife goes to lunch with another guy. Some guys do. It depends some guys don’t mind at all.

Legit smite business reasons are fair - but that line is easily blurred.

What do you want? Be clear. Be ready to follow through.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

The backstory here is key. She’s doing it to make me jealous and she’s succeeding so far. I’m setting a boundary.

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Boundaries aren't set retroactively.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

If you really believe this is the case, then you are married to a validation seeking crazy BPD woman. And need to eject.

No amount of red pill can fix that.

That is not normal behavior of any reasonable woman.

See: dog with shit on nose analogy above.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You forgot that she is an emotional hostage-taker. This level of boldness only comes from the absolute certainty that OP won't do shit about it but submit. We might be entering hotwife territory with this guy soon. Line up boys!

Are you listening, /u/ice_walker? You're now in a situation where anything less than your full willingness to nuke your relationship will likely end up with you in servitude to her in ways you don't even want to think about.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yea Im listening.

I'm spending the evening walking around my house, taking farewell to every room, and taking farewell to every dream I had that will never be.

If she does it again, or doesn't come to terms with these boundary, it's over.

And I think this is the likely outcome since she's already hamstered everything around so it's my fault that she feels bad when I tell her she crossed a boundary.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

FWIW mental willingness is usually enough. You don't need the match and petrol for someone to think you'll go through with it.

You know when a disagreement with another dude at a bar turns into fight? You look in his eye a see a crazy kamikaze look....? You back away.

Get that look. Be willing to take it down to the ground.

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Have you or are you able to take women out for lunch? I’m not advocating tit for tat. But I wonder if you even can?

Remember stay plan is the same as the go plan. You should at least have the option, especially if your wife is showing her willingness to have them. If she’s got her foot out the door put yours further.

We need to be in a place where this kind of thing does not phase us, and even better, also to be in a place where our wives would not risk losing us with this shit.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Yea i could. Haven’t done it though since I’m married.

Agree. But I’m not there yet unfortunately.

[–]470_2_700_nm2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Get there. Play the game mother fucker.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Haven’t done it though since I’m married.

Boom! Game, set, match. Winner: your wife.

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hmm let me DEER a bit: I haven’t gone to Lunch specifically, have invited women out for drinks though on a couple of occasions that wife doesn’t knows about (Not “invite” as in I paid though..)

[–]Fritz_Frauenraub0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This comment makes it clear that you have backed yourself into this corner because you don't even know your own mind. (ie lack frame)

By your own admission you don't actually feel threatened by the guy.

Your issue is with your wife's disrespectful and successful attempt to slap you around emotionally. You could have crushed this shit not with these goofy "boundaries" but with ice cold DNGAF, SMPO, frame, and merry stoicism.

Your boundary doesn't elicit respect. It's like holding up a sign saying "I'm so deep in my wife's frame I need a bathysphere".

IMHO you'd be better off telling her you overreacted and taking the hit of humiliation to your pipsqueak rambo ego. Live to fight another day.

[–]Kosmoknots0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're being trolled by your own wife. She messing with your insecurities.

I don't see a point in your continuing to hang out with him. Go do your own awesome shit and stop caring about what she is doing or has done.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Well that escalated quickly. We were chatting about boundaries while she was already booking lunch with Chupra Chad.

He is actually your bud, so it is time to tell us ALL about the dude. What is the deal? What is the hold he has? This does not sound like like regular shit testing, tingles or platonic friends.

Whats up?

[–]ice_walkerHead Negotiator[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Now i suddenly feel that if i give out more, i could be identified also by others than the directly involved. OK if I PM you?

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sure



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