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OI vs. Checked-out Autist

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April 24, 2018
7 upvotes

I am beginning to find I’m struggling in my own actions to draw a line between true OI and acting completely checked out / distinterested in my wife (or frankly borderline autistic). I am wondering if anyone has any mental models they use on themselves (“swing thoughts” as Jordan Spieth would call them) to remain on the right side of this line.

Here is an example of the distinction I am trying to draw: wife calls me; I see the call but don’t pick up.

OI me: I’m busy; I will call her back when I free up. If it’s truly important she will call again or text.

Autist me: I think I have a tendency to drop everything and pick up the phone too frequently when she calls, and I don’t like that I do that. I’m not actuallly that busy, but I’m not going to pick up anyways.

I find I’m straying too often into the latter category. My actions too often are coming from a place of resentment (of my former self, of her, whatever) rather than real OI, and I even think this subtly changes the manner in which I act in a way she can detect, even if the action is otherwise exactly the same from her perspective (as in the example above).

What should I be rereading to help with this? Am I still just in the anger phase (has been over a year if so)?


Post Information
Title OI vs. Checked-out Autist
Author mrp172
Upvotes 7
Comments 25
Date 24 April 2018 05:46 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204584
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8emdhv/oi_vs_checkedout_autist/
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Comments

[–]Reject4447 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're way too focused on how SHE will respond to whatever you're doing. I'm still new and pathetic here, so I'm not speaking from any expertise, but I keep seeing guys posting these general questions like "When my wife asks me to do something, should I do it or tell her to fuck off?" or "Should I pick up the phone when my wife is calling me?" and it seems pretty clear to me that they're making two huge mistakes: 1. They're still operating from the decisionmaking frame of how what they're doing is going to "make" their wife respond, and 2. They're looking for general, one-size-fits-all "rules" for decisions that should really be made on a case-by-case basis in a lot of situations. Unless you've set a boundary (i.e., told her explicitly, from a strong frame, that business hours are your "work time" and she's not to disturb you unless it's an emergency), it's not unreasonable for her to call her husband, even if it's just to say "hi" or shoot the shit, but especially to talk logistics (e.g., who's picking up the kids from wherever, what's the plan for dinner tonight). If she calls to make unreasonable demands or belittle/criticize you, that's a different story. You know why your wife is calling better than any of us do, and you should make your call as the Captain as to what the appropriate action is in that situation--probably answer the phone if you CAN (you're not in a meeting or something), if she's likely calling for something reasonable, and she's not crossing a boundary that you've clearly set previously.

Too many guys here seem so intent on "punishing" their wives by intentionally avoiding phone calls and other stupid shit. Remember, the fact that we're here is OUR OWN fault, not our wives'--we let OURSELVES get weak and fat and Betafied. Don't needlessly punish your wife for your own failures. Don't be an asshole unless she's already being an unreasonable bitch (over things other than sex). But also don't be at her beck-and-call and drop everything important every time she calls. Just be reasonable. It's not that hard. The goal, I think is to make yourself better, make decisions based on your better self (not how you think your wife will react), and act on THAT. Even better, if she's calling, just ask "would talking to my wife right now add or subtract value from my day?" and pick up or ignore based on your answer to that question.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

"would talking to my wife you right now add or subtract value from my day?"

10 bonus MRP stars to the next guy who answers a call from his wife like this. Offer not valid in all 50 states. Must be 18 or older to play. Must collect prize in person. JoATMoN9 reserves the right to substitute prize of equal or lesser value without warning. Not eligible if you've won a prize in the last 90 days. Not eligible if you are flaired. See website for full list of contest details.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nice read.

It's called "keeping score" or playing the "who's right" game.

WTF are you doing? It's not a damn competition. Even if it was, you're losing.

The simple fact that you even remotely see your wife as a valid adversary means you still massively suck at being a man.

She's just a cute little temperamental girl, calling her daddy a poopyhead. If you do anything other than laugh and continue along with your day, you're a shitty parent.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Stop overthinking.

If this is your problem, just start doing things because they further your MAP. You have one of those right? Then all else just becomes a part of meeting or not meeting that and all this constant mental whinging needs to get tossed.

Currently it sounds like every decision you are making you are weighing in regards to what outcome it will get you out of HER. Or side b of your brain is doing that while side A justifies it.

Shit or get off the pot. Commit or don't. But calm that psychotic mental noise.

GLFS

[–]mrp172[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Currently it sounds like every decision you are making you are weighing in regards to what outcome it will get you out of HER. Or side b of your brain is doing that while side A justifies it.

Yep. Fuck.

[–]mrp172[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In fact, it’s worse than that now that I think about it. I’m not weighing decisions based on my guess of her reaction (although I do sometimes slip up and do this); I’m weighing them based on my guess of MRP’s reaction / approval of them. It’s as if an invisible MRP observer is sitting on my shoulder watching what I do, and I’m constantly looking for approval. This can get you by in a lot of easy scenarios, but on a deep level this is just as, if not more, fucked up than the former. I need to start acting for me.

[–]the_grizzlebee0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You keep saying OI...but this doesn't sound like OI to me. OI/outcome independence is just not acting like a fag when you don't get any. The knowledge that she isn't special, that you are the prize and you'll get laid one way or another, is what feeds true OI. Most people's problem with OI seems to be the fine line between DGAF and butthurt (it's really hard to "fake it" if you are truly butthurt, your wife knows you and she'll sniff it out - plus all of her past experience with you.

You aren't talking about sexual denials above, so not sure where OI is coming into it.

What I "think" you mean is more along the lines of withdrawal of attention / STFU. But your example is dumb. Is your wife nagging you over stupid shit all the time? What reason does she have to call you at work? Is she doing it all the time?

Or are you just trying to play her like a sperg? Seems like you're way overanalyzing this IMO. Is it a reasonable time for her to call? Pick up the phone. Is she being a pain in the ass and bothering you with needy shit? Don't pick up the phone so goddamn much or text back.

What is your actual problem?

[–]mrp172[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks. Agree the example is crap, but this is more to illustrate the general mindset I find influencing a lot of my actions (resentment of the way I used to, and still occasionally do, act). Overanalyzing might be one way to put it, or frankly I’d even call it anxiety on my part in certain situations over how to act “correctly,” knowing I’ve done things “incorrectly” for so long in the past. That feels like my actual problem, but maybe it’s more than that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

i think the guys here have you thinking a bit TOO hard about why you do a thing or don't. whatever your reason for not wanting to pick up the phone, let that be enough

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Have you identified the behaviors you need to change and those that you need to implement?

Hint: I already know the answer.

[–]mrp172[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Would I be posting in /r/askmrp if I had?

[–]40mullet0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Was your Former Self different at work that New RP You?

Women are naturally good at multitasking, men are good at fully focusing in current task in hand. Are you more focused now, have a career plan, mission, specific deadlines, shit to get done? What happens when oldest teenager in the house calls when you are really busy and focused? No male hamster spinning there ,am I right?

When on lunch break when wife calls, be cocky funny like you were before the call with your hot coworker.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You have no personal frame (worldview) from which to decide such things, so you're LARPing MRP. Focus now, from the beginning, on developing your own authentic frame.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wow. Another man that is not absorbing the side bar.

None of this is about her.

This is all about you.

You are a man, you will not sequester to your emotions proving your worth to her via games. Get a grip.

What is your mission ? What do you want ? How bad are you going to work to get it ?

Are you lifting yet ?

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I do that. You don't have oi, so just chalk it up as fake it till you make it, and don't think twice about it.

[–]2235520 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The good part, you are becoming aware of these behaviors, you are thinking about them, and you are asking questions. All this is part of the progress. If you continue doing this, it will improve over time.

The bad part, it may take a long time.. Depending how fucked up your thinking is. I am trying to reprogram/rewire pretty much most of my thinking process when it comes to me interacting with the world (nice guy , people pleaser, social anxiety...)

Things that I have found that help: - Sidebar - Writing things down. Journal my thoughts, situations, progress, and mistakes - Seeing a therapist - Spending time alone, and processing my thoughts, my feelings,(anger, buthurt, etc)

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

You are autistic. This post proves it.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Go back and start over.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah , it’s so far off the mark, that’s about all you can say

[–]mrp172[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Diagnosis as bad as I feared. Going back to square one. Thanks.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am at the point where the following guidelines work for ME.

If I can respond to a text, and it is a legit question - ie: Do you need anything from the store? I answer ASAP.

If it is just talk, meh I don't respond right away. This hardly ever happens. Most days I do not talk to her from 8am to 4pm.

If it is a call - I answer. She never calls during 8-4 so I know if she is, it is likely an emergency.

If she is calling during working hours to chat - all you have to do is answer one more time, say that you are busy and thought it was an emergency and you will talk to her tonight. Do this a couple times and she will get the hint.

If she cant make it from 8-4 WO texting or calling, then YOU have not empowered her to LEAD her own life during that time. If YOU cant go from 8-4 w/o talking to her YOU are not using your time correctly.

If you are still dealing with RESENTMENT then you have not entered the ANGER stage, which is the next step and tells me you are still early in your journey.

Keep reading. You have to go thru the fully PISSED OFF stage before you can move into a happy place.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why are you quoting a faggot golfer? I’d like to bang his hot wife though.

Outcome dependent means that you are trying to take something from the interaction.
Outcome independent means that you aren’t.

Your examples are very poor. You can answer if she calls you, if you want to. If you’re just unplugging and trying to show that you aren’t her little faggot whipping boy, then don’t answer.

Stop with the theory and over thinking, go lift something heavy.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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