I am beginning to find I’m struggling in my own actions to draw a line between true OI and acting completely checked out / distinterested in my wife (or frankly borderline autistic). I am wondering if anyone has any mental models they use on themselves (“swing thoughts” as Jordan Spieth would call them) to remain on the right side of this line.
Here is an example of the distinction I am trying to draw: wife calls me; I see the call but don’t pick up.
OI me: I’m busy; I will call her back when I free up. If it’s truly important she will call again or text.
Autist me: I think I have a tendency to drop everything and pick up the phone too frequently when she calls, and I don’t like that I do that. I’m not actuallly that busy, but I’m not going to pick up anyways.
I find I’m straying too often into the latter category. My actions too often are coming from a place of resentment (of my former self, of her, whatever) rather than real OI, and I even think this subtly changes the manner in which I act in a way she can detect, even if the action is otherwise exactly the same from her perspective (as in the example above).
What should I be rereading to help with this? Am I still just in the anger phase (has been over a year if so)?