Her: Where were you?
Me: Taking /son/ to the competition.
Her: It took you an hour?
Me: The truck’s gas light was on.
Her: You went to Starbucks? (obviously, because I have a cup in my hand)
Her: You mean you went to Starbucks and didn’t get me anything? (true)
Me: Yes. (admitting it)
Her: You didn’t bother asking your sick wife if she wanted anything?
Me: I’m sorry—I didn’t think of it.
Her: (astounded facial expression) This is our problem! You want to know why we don’t have a sex life?! Because you don’t give a shit, that’s why!
Me: Would you like me to go get you something from Starbucks?
Her: That’s not the point! The point is that you don’t show any emotion, and all I want is to know that my husband gives a shit about me.
Me: (approaching) Of course I care about you…
Her: (backing away, hands raised aggressively) Oh no! It’s too late for that buddy! And (starts with loud fast something that I can’t remember, kids about six feet away)
Me: Please moderate your tone or I am not having this conversation.
Her: I will not moderate my tone! …
Me: (walking away and sitting down in next room)
Her: (coming into next room, continuing to argue but slightly lower tone, still scolding and angry)
Me: I told you I’m not having this conversation unless we can talk like adults.
Her: I did moderate my tone! I am talking like an adult! … (restarts argument, whatever it was)
Me: (walks out of room)
Aftermath: she went into bathroom, slammed door, took shower. Sulking.
- While it didn't seem that way in the moment, reading the transcript seems like I was somewhat autistic. It felt during the argument that she was trying to get me to act remorseful, and I was not remorseful, so I kept my tone casual. But it also seems like being "unemotional" inflamed the conflict.
- I thought I avoided the larger emotional argument well, which wouldn't have produced any closure anyway unless I begged for forgiveness.
- I avoided DEERing.
- She acknowledged that we don't have a sex life, which is funny because generally when we talk about this problem (rarely) she gaslights me by overestimating how often we have sex (her: once a week) and asserting that once a week is "very often" according to her expert sources.
- She observed that it seems like I don't give a shit; autistic or DGAF working properly?
This is the first argument where I felt like I stayed in frame throughout, even though I sense that my performance was not perfect. Thoughts welcome. Helmet on.
EDIT: everybody seems hung up on my not getting the coffee. So, more background. True, she was sick, but not dying. I was running the errands, so she could finger fuck her phone on the couch because she doesn’t feel good, but which didn’t stop her from suggesting an outing for later in the day. All of which she knew perfectly well. It wasn’t convenient to get her the coffee because it was my second stop of five. She hasn’t been treating me well lately and has not earned any “crew rewards.” I think what she was really upset about is that I was gone for an hour and she thought I’d be back faster.