Question for the vets, how long does the power struggle usually last?

cholomite · 2018-01-16T20:06:22+00:00

As long as you give a fuck, and let it get to you, it will keep happening.

bogeyd6 · 2018-01-16T21:17:02+00:00

It lasts as long as you think there is a power struggle.

rocknrollchuck · 2018-01-16T20:57:45+00:00

It lasts until there is a permanent internal shift in you. One where your feelings no longer rise up inside of you when she attempts to get a reaction out of you. It lasts until you truly know that you are the prize. It lasts until you have the awareness in the moment of what is truly happening (such as you recognizing "Hey, this is a comfort test" as it happens).

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?

Morpheus: No, Neo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.

red-sfpplus · 2018-01-16T21:00:01+00:00

Bluffing to leave

Start packing her bag for her next time she does this. Show her the door. Stop being a pussy.

InChargeMan · 2018-01-16T21:34:41+00:00

It is her job to make sure she still has the fittest mate. Solipsism and hypergamy at work. What changes is that you are no longer affected by her emotions or her tests, as passing these tests become second nature. At first it is "fake it till you make it", eventually you "make it" and you barely notice that there is still the occasional push to make sure you are still her alpha.

Imagine your frame is a leaky roof. Every time it rains you know all about it and get stressed out, running around the house with pots and pans, trying to control this external force (DEERing), checking on the weather in advance to be sure you are ready (i.e. worrying about what she might think when you make decisions), etc. When you have an impenetrable roof you might notice that it started raining as you pass by a window, but only with fleeting interest.

These days I view shit tests/power struggles as a good thing. It gives me and her a chance to verify our status. If she never tested the boundaries would that be a good thing? Ideally your chosen mate has enough value where she might think she has a chance once in a while, right? If she is so low in value that she never even bothers, maybe you chose poorly? Just a thought.

Rian_Stone · 2018-01-16T20:42:22+00:00

Until I stop competing with a wee little girl.

screechhater · 2018-01-16T22:09:33+00:00

what power struggle ?

Do you even lift ?

weakandsensitive · 2018-01-17T08:59:03+00:00

There was a great article I read at one point that talked about what happens when two people with strong frames meet and disagree. What happens is basically mutual respect and the ability to disagree.

See - if you're struggling, it's either you don't actually have a vision and are really trying to control another person's behavior, or you're failing to remove your ego (lack of OI) and pursue your accepted worldview. "Okay. Don't want to be around. Feel free to not be."

Figure out how your life is going to be - and the expectation you have for the people that are going to be involved in your life, and then execute on it. Feel free to refine during the process.

Solid question by the way. Don't really get enough of those around here.

[deleted] · 2018-01-16T21:48:58+00:00

What’s the cardinal rule of relationships? You give too many fucks, sir. One piece of ass is the same as the last.

drjamesstone · 2018-01-16T21:54:54+00:00

there is no spoon

SorcererKing · 2018-01-16T23:58:28+00:00

You're asking the wrong question. Remedial reading.

Persaeus · 2018-01-17T15:00:15+00:00

as you say the shit test are forever. i will also note that if you have a strong-willed and capable FO, there will always times when she wants to go right and you want to left. Maybe it's not that important to you and you go right, or maybe it is and you go left; but as WAS said

What happens is basically mutual respect and the ability to disagree.

as far as

Bluffing to leave, looking for a reaction. Cutting comments, in an attempt to bring our self worth/respect down a peg or 2.

ending that did not take long . . . sorta. about 3 months in i was getting that with respect to

reoccuring thing that will happen everytime the wiff of passive dread gets a little stronger?

we got into a major "you're a POS husband" argument on the way to an art museum on weekend trip. at the end of the argument she said did not want to go the museum. i took the keys and left in her the car for about 3-4 hours; went to the museum and gamed a little strange when the opportunity arose. worth noting i had spent a year before discovering TRP getting hot for other reasons.

it was all quiet on the western front until little over a year after that. she went there again over an argument on vacations together. although in this case it was not reactive to my dread; but instead was full spread manipulation per Rian's post yesterday. i started plating with a vengance a week later.

did not bother to look up your history; but if you are getting

Bluffing to leave, looking for a reaction. Cutting comments, in an attempt to bring our self worth/respect down a peg or 2

in response to

every time the wiff of passive dread gets a little stronger

one possibility is that you're her career beta. she never saw you as alpha; and you're not the filet mignon she's looking for if she is even still interested in filet. that's a tough road to hoe.

crimson_chris · 2018-01-17T16:28:01+00:00

You relationship seems toxic and your wife does not respect you or trust. Respect and trusthas to be earned via behaviors.

My wife used to have a bad habit of comparing me to the kids. Disprespectful as fuck. I start MRP and OMS. One day I straight up told her that comparing my behavior to our kids was an ultimate sign of disrespect. I did not yell. I was not mad. But if she did it again, that would be the end of the conversation. It tookme about six minths of OMS so I could actually have the conversation because my behavior had changed. It took a couple of months for her to stop.

Yesterday I got home around 8:30pm (from work and a board meeting). I was upbeat/ pleasant and asked my wife about her day. I followed up with a question about a class she would be taking soon that was stressing her out. She snapped at me. I replied "okay" and removed my presence. I got undressed, took out the trash and busied myself getting shit ready for the next day.

About 10 minutes later she comes into the kitchen. She apologizes for snapping and hampsters as to why she snapped. She has apologized more in the last year than in the prior 17yrs we have been married. She apologizes for bad behavior now because she now respects me and she missed my presence.

Shit test will never stop. But I think that is different than the power struggle. The power struggle is because you have not earned respect and trust. That is when the power struggle ends.

wekacuck · 2018-01-16T21:01:16+00:00

It lasts until she respects you (aka phase 2), or until you or she just leaves, or until she develops "walk-away wife syndrome" and makes you think she respects you while secretly plotting surprise violent divorce rape.

throwawaynumber856 · 2018-01-16T21:22:47+00:00

Either you are steering your ship or you aren’t. Which is it?

Taipanshimshon · 2018-01-16T22:28:33+00:00

At about one year - most of the BS stopped. At about 2 - I ended it because the stuff I really cared about couldn’t change with her

man_in_the_world · 2018-01-16T23:24:37+00:00

Until your frame is rock solid.

creating_my_life · 2018-01-17T06:25:01+00:00

She will keep testing you as long as you give her testing validity.

The moment you stop giving a fuck is the moment she stops trying to get under your skin.

dcapt46 · 2018-01-16T20:23:13+00:00

It will probably never stop completely, women need to be reassured they are with a strong (in all ways) man. However you should be able to get to a place where there are fewer tests and a longer time between them. To my experience the tests shift from 'shit tests' to more "comfort tests" as my SMV/attractiveness/dread increases.

Title	Question for the vets, how long does the power struggle usually last?
Author	BostonBrakeJob
Upvotes	2
Comments	46
Date	January 16, 2018 7:54 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7qv086/question_for_the_vets_how_long_does_the_power/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/question-for-the-vets-how-long-does-the-power.204945 https://theredarchive.com/post/204945