Well -- how did i get here?

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July 31, 2017

You may find yourself... calling this victim puke. And you may ask yourself, has he done the work?

My sense is, there is always more work to be done, but without question, there is much work there.

But I am at a point - and just endured a specific action - that makes me wonder if I am in a totally different place with this situation, than just 'my wife won't fuck me" or "my wife is being a bitch, how can i make her stop?"

My latest/ongoing question marks around my marriage are, am I trying to apply RP tactics to a wholly different arena of psychological depression.

We're at one year of the pills (Zoloft) with which she had a previous history years ago. They've helped stabilise somewhat, but they're definitely not a 'cure' nor does she seem to really desire a cure, just an avoidance of whatever issues she's grappling with (and I have asked and probed and supported).

Tonight was a curl-up, lights-out in bed with not a single word or good night, let alone an affectionate peck let alone anything else. That's happened often, and that's OK, it's just tonight was, yep, my birthday. You can't tell me AWALT on that one.

My question that I'm Asking Married Red Pill is: am i really dealing with something where striving for even more leadership, lifting more, gaming more, side-barring more ... having done all that, and hard ... is that really what you'd suggest is going on here.

Is that a wife who 'just isn't attracted to me?" Is it victim-y puking by questioning if I need to think about a whole new re-think about our entire life?

If I'm wallowing, and you can see something I can't or won't - I'll look at it again. I'm not asking for a leave pass, I am willingly raising my hand to say, if I am being so blind about the fix on this one, please slap me in the eyeballs as hard as needed to see my way through on this one. Because at the moment, I sure as fuck cannot see how to move forward, at all.


Post Information
Title Well -- how did i get here?
Author ThrowTheEgg
Upvotes 8
Comments 34
Date 31 July 2017 12:08 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205775
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6qnzpe/well_how_did_i_get_here/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
leadershipAWALTliftthe red pill

[–]chachaChad11 points12 points  (5 children) | Copy

So you think you're the only fucking guy here who's broken wife wouldn't suck his pee pee on his birthday? Get in fucking line, pal.

I honestly can't tell from this post or your post history how much, if any, work you've actually done. It would seem your entire mission is to have sex with your wife and you can't see that that may never be possible. Continue doing the work and decide what would make you happy then do it. Follow the 12 steps of dread all the way up. If she's not meeting your needs in the relationship, tell her then get out. It's that simple.

[–]ThrowTheEgg[S] -1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

Mission is a happy and fulfilling marriage.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hate to break it to you, Briffaults law. Thats her mission. Your mission is to be a high value male that women latch onto.

Your issue at it's core is that you're trying to be a great wife.

[–]chachaChad3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

That's a great mission to have, I guess. Good luck finding someone else to follow you in that mission. Your current wife isn't capable.

[–]ThrowTheEgg[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

True - That is entirely possible. Thanks for your perspective.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet6 points7 points  (10 children) | Copy

Stop thinking so much about her and her emotions and shit. Women love guys who literally couldn't care less about them. Do your own fucking thing man, if you want to bring her along, great, if you don't, great. Stop asking and prodding her issue, she probably doesn't even know what they are herself.

Instead stop giving a fuck, keep becoming more awesome and share some of that with her if you choose.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Took a romp through your post history because you neglected to tell us the basics of your timeline/relationship/your map.

You've been married 20 years. That's 2 years of work. You're a year in. She's been depressed for at least this last year. What's her medical history? Is it all related to where you guys are now?

What dread stage are you at? Height/weight/BMI/bodyfat? Have you been working all this past year or just jerking?

Antidepressants have the effect of "flattening" all emotion, so while you don't get the low lows, you don't get the high highs either. This can hinder her seeing your progress, anhedonia can cause defeatism and introversion. This in effect lengthens the 1000 foot rope. You may need to work for another 16 months for her to come around.

You have a covert contract about your birthday. Drop it. It does no good for either one of you. It's not a special day. This simple fact that you expect special treatment on your special day tells me you're NOT a year in on doing the work. Killing your ego is a primary expectation here.

Answer the questions I posed above, often it'll reveal a buried lead that might help.

From what you've written, though, two possibilities...

1 - You haven't put in the work you think you have and you're lying to yourself.

2 - Your wife is truly broken and will never be able to step up and enjoy the amazing ride you're keen to take her on. Unfortunately you have to cut the towrope at that point because you're simply dragging dead weight.

I get the feeling the overriding issue is #1.

[–]weakandsensitive5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

it's just tonight was, yep, my birthday

Are you a 3 year old? No one gives a fuck. For some reason you still think you're special. You're not.

If you really need to feel better, try blowing yourself.

The reason you deflect from talking about the work you've done is most likely because you haven't done any.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Problems with depression, anxiety and the rest are a double sided sword that cuts both ways.

Take my friend for example. She suffered from depression. Was on medication and went for treatment. She was pretty butch so I was not too surprised when one day she 'discovered' her true sexual orientation. Once she sorted out the conflict she carried around, and divorced her devastated husband, her depression lifted from her mind. She now has other issues, but they are related to the stigma of being gay.

I am not saying your wife is a rugmuncher, but trapped in a situation she feels like she cannot escape from. You play a smaller role in it than you think.

She may or may not resent you directly, but she hates the situation she is in.

Alpha or beta, she is going to feel like that. She may feel better for a while with a new man in her life, but it won't last long. You can not change much except lead your family.

Not much advice, just putting it in a different light.

Edit: Punchline is, you cannot fix her, and it is not your job to do that.

[–]Tebulus4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Come on mr smarty pants, you know the answer. You are just lying to yourself. Dont try and tell me after 20 years of dealing with her bullshit and lack of affection that the "fuck this shit" mentality never creeped in. But hey, if you want to be all defensive and "deep" waxing on about the duality of existence with your snowflake instead of facing the music then enjoy the rest of your sexless birthdays. Protip: It was my birthday recently and I specifically planned and executed an awesome trip my ltr was a part of but not responsible for. Waiting around for things to happen is what women do. If you choose to stay with this particular shrew, at least throw yourself a kickass party or go mountain climbing or something, anything.

[–]yamgninrub0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

^ This is gold!

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I read your post and u/cholomite gave you a really solid answer. I am just lost that you have a problem with what he said. I can tell you are in pain and that sucks. I wish there was a magic answer for you but there isn't. In another answer you give below I think I can see the root and core of your problem. You said:

  • "Mission is a happy and fulfilling marriage."

That cannot be the goal. That is a purple pill reaction. You cannot come to the red pill in the hope of achieving a blue pill goal. Your problem is that you believe in fairy tales. You think marriage is like a Disney story. You are chasing a lie. You are like an adult who believes in Santa Clause. What you need to do is realise two things, firstly that humans are not monogamous, marriage is just a social construct.

Second is that you can be happier than you currently are if you can get a real understanding of what it is you want. First you need to kill your false ideas. There are many ways to be happy, pinning your hopes onto a false and impossible task guarantees failure and misery. Focus on improving yourself and forget about setting any other goals. Set a goal to look the best you can from the gym and your diet. Focus on making money or achieving financial or personal goals. At the moment you are chasing shadows. Stop it.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

it's just tonight was, yep, my birthday.

So by your post history you've been at this for more than a year, and yet you're butthurt that she's not making a big fucking deal of your special snowflake birthday? WTF?

You clearly still haven't come even close to killing your ego, avoiding butthurt, and developing OI. Which means your frame is probably still beta, fragile as shit, or fucked up. This is your problem, and you clearly have a loooong way to go; focus on this.

You still harbor an elementary "I'm a special snowflake so I deserve special recognition on my birthday just because I'm special" covert contract without even recognizing it as a CC. You need to reread NMMNG thoroughly and do the exercises; you'll have great trouble developing proper frame until you kill the CCs and lose the ego.

You can't tell me AWALT on that one.

Are you kidding us? This is totally AWALT, except for your mother.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It's spelled "speyshul sneaxflaque".


[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wow, he's even more specialer than I had realized!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

My wife was on Zoloft. I blamed it for the lack of sex, made her come off of it, and still things weren't improving. The only thing that changed was that she regained ability to achieve orgasm, so that was indeed a plus. Her desire to have sex in the first place never really came back though.

Then I discovered MRP and things have been on the up and up ever since, despite her going back onto anti-depressants (Wellbutrin this time, with no orgasm issues FYI)

In short: the Zoloft is likely not helping, but the main problem is you.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Just straight up, you are in her Frame and you lack abundance with a missing mission The mission would be you

"am i really dealing with something where striving for even more leadership, lifting more, gaming more, side-barring more ... having done all that, and hard ... is that really what you'd suggest is going on here."

Dread straight up

Won't even read your history

Decide, this is good for me, or it's not You want some fun, be fun

Want her in your frame sucking you off and fucking you ? Your frame and dread

Dread level 5 and watch the drugs and her problems go away, or you will be strong enough to move on

Dread step by step

[–]BigAjax0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

One of the surest signs a guy is balls-deep in his wife's frame: "why isn't she responding?" And a woman is certain to sense if a guy is in her frame - the tells might be subtle, but she picks up on them, even if only unconsciously. If he is in her frame, it kills attraction, any effects of dread, etc. The less you think about her, her view of you, and the relationship in general and the more you think of yourself, your projects, and what you want to get out of life, the better off you'll be, no matter what. The outer man is always a reflection of the inner man.

I don't doubt that her depression makes his path harder. But, that's either bad vetting on his part or just bad luck. Either way, tough shit, he's got to get to work on himself and approach it with the right mindset. Otherwise, all he's doing is building a better Beta and that's a sure ticket to a living hell of serving someone else's needs and interests.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

"Either way, tough shit, he's got to get to work on himself and approach it with the right mindset"

I wonder if she is clinically depressed or internalizing the hell she is living with a beta that bends with her every fleeting emotion and sway of her feelz

[–]BigAjax0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, the depression could just be a result of feeling trapped with a Beta. On the other hand, if it's something that's internal to her (history of it, runs in the family, whatever), feeling like you have some male's fee-fees on your plate of responsibilities won't help a woman deal with that shit. Depression is some awful shit and is hard enough to overcome on its own. Carrying some weak, co-dependent dude's emotional garbage only makes it worse.

[–]-ChillPill-1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Mate, this is my first comment on this sub, I've been applying red pill and improving myself for 6 months now. Your relationship sounds very familiar, especially the birthday part. What I've learned with red pill is that men initiate. For 7 years of my relationship I received no birthday sex or blowjob etc. That's because I never initiated. I expected her to just somehow know that I wanted her to initiate it. Prior to trp she would agree beforehand to birthday sex but then never follow through and I would get pissed off. I know now, that her offering beforehand doesn't mean she will initiate, it means that she won't reject me on that day when I initiate. She might soft no in the morning, but at some time that day I will succesfully initiate. But being my birthday doesn't mean I don't have to bother with kino, being fun, being attractive and not being unattractive.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The rules and norms are all different when you bring mental illness into the picture. Just curious: do you think she remembered your birthday but chose to ignore it, or do you think she was so depressed that she was in her own little world, oblivious?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You came here as most do lack of affection usually being the primary reason. The thing you must try to do is move your point of origin. Currently you have it based on your wife you need to change that or you will be endlessly disappointed.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

it's just tonight was, yep, my birthday. You can't tell me AWALT on that one.

The fuck we can't. AWALT brother.

lights-out in bed with not a single word or good night

So your wife gagged you and prevented you from speaking? I don't get it. Who is the leader of this relationship? (Hint: Not you).

First you are starting in a huge hole with Zoloft which kills the sex drive.

Second, Red Pill is great for restoring a dead bedroom and works with "normal" human females but not so much for mental illness like depression.

Third, it is clear you are not leading her but are waiting for her to lead you. Stop. Step back, and take stock of YOUR life, not your marriage.

What level of Dread are you on. I would bet the farm you have not done a cold approach in 20 years or more. I would bet the farm that you don't know the first thing about seduction. I would bet the farm that you are butthurt when denied and that you have no stable of male friends built up. I would bet that you are dabbling in Shit Test responses (aka Level 1) and have done nothing beyond that. Am I right?

There is a LOT you can do and focusing on cold, sexual denials is the WORST option.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

By asking the question "What's wrong with her?" you are admitting that you aren't owning your shit yet. Start with you first. Grow, practice, learn, and apply your craft and THEN you can stand up and look around.

Imagine you're climbing a mountain side by ladder. The view at the top is supposed to be amazing, but on the climb up you're in the clouds so visibility is very low. Don't be that person worrying about how the view will look or if you brought the right equipment because that's wasted talk. You've done the planning so what you need to do is execute. Don't worry about whether your wife is going to make it to the top at this point.
The questions for you are, Have you done the planning? Are you doing the work?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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