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Just posting.

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March 31, 2017
10 upvotes

For the past week I've been lost. Haven't been lifting. Haven't been reading. My dad died last Thursday at age 55 due to cancer and liver failure. He was my guy. He was alpha. He tried to instill that mindset to my 2 brothers and I from early on. He didn't know anything about red pill. He just lived it.

Back in November when I started reading, I shared with him what I learned, or really what he taught me and I forgot. He looked at me and said "I told you all that before."

This past week I've kind of been on autopilot. Being strong for my children, my mom and my siblings. I've been keeping myself busy with things. I think subconsciously so I don't deal with my emotions. I need to take time for myself and process this.

My wife has been solid. Being there for me when I needed it. Backing off when I need space. Last Saturday after not being at home except for a few hours with kids and sleeping, I opened the trash can cupboard and found fast food wrappers and dirty diapers piled in. I grabbed a trash bag and threw everything in it angrily. She asked what's wrong. "Are we fucking slobs? Is this how we want to live? This is bullshit" I took the bag outside and went for a hour walk. In the past 5 days, the house is clean, clothes are washed and trash is thrown away properly.

I probably went to a 8 during my outburst instead of keeping my mouth shut. But everything just came out.

The visitation is tomorrow and funeral is Saturday. I need to figure out how to push forward without stalling with my process. I've actually kept drinking to 2 or 3 a day. So I applaud myself for that. Cigarettes has gone up. Need to get back on the patch.

That's all I got. Any advice for keeping frame and leadership while going through a life changing event? I'm all ears.


Post Information
Title Just posting.
Author Romowens
Upvotes 10
Comments 18
Date 31 March 2017 12:17 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206337
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/62hwv8/just_posting/
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Comments

[–]LaLongCarabine7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Don't stop talking to your Dad, you may not hear an answer but it'll be there. Been there done that. My Dad was "James Dean", he had game like few I've known. How I allowed myself to puss out must've driven him nuts. I never stopped talking and asking and thanks to him and the great people here I'm back.

Don't give up, get strong.

[–]Romowens[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you. Being strong and a leader of your family was always his greatest piece of advice.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Dude. Sorry about your old man. When he goes it's a life altering event. Give yourself some space to work it out. Alone if you can. It fucking sucks, so no two ways about. I'll spare you the platitudes.

Focus on whatever you have to get done. Get it done and move on to the next thing. Narrow your focus to one task at a time in the moment. That's it. Move from moment to moment. Somehow you find you've gotten from one day to the next.

[–]BobbyPeru5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

When he goes it's a life altering event.

This one line is way more profound than a lot realize.

[–]Romowens[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. Going to take a few days next week for myself before going back to work on Thursday.

[–]creating_my_life5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Any advice for keeping frame and leadership while going through a life changing event? I'm all ears.

Be the man your Dad always knew you are capable of being.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Please accept my sympathy for your loss. I can never forget, when I lost both of my parents in one year. 19 years later, I still pause on the days of their exit to remember them. You will never lose that sense of loss but no one will ever know but you, nor do they need to. What you know, and, what you remember is all that matters.

This past week I've kind of been on autopilot. Being strong for my children, my mom and my siblings. I've been keeping myself busy with things.

What more can you ask of yourself? What more could you possibly do?

I think subconsciously so I don't deal with my emotions. I need to take time for myself and process this.

This does take time. But as you engage yourself in your life's mission, a mission that your dad wanted for you, you will process all this as you go. There is no greater tribute to your dad's passing, than you continuing to live, and live well. Any father that does not wish better for their children, needs not be mourned. Grieve, and be happy, that your father lived well and passed his life to you.

My wife has been solid. Being there for me when I needed it. Backing off when I need space.

You are a lucky man. To have a woman that is "solid" for you. Your outbursts will come and go during your initial grieving. Allow yourself what ever it is you need. Just be warned that there are limits to what other humans can endure at your hand. Bear in mind, that even the most "solid" friend, lover, or spouse are not experiencing your grief as you experience it.

I recently buried my daughter's husband. It is wrong. it is a grief that is against nature. My daughter is strong and I do not worry for her. But the loss of that fine young man was wrong. He should have been throwing dirt on me.

Being the old man here, my greatest fear is outliving my children. As a father my wish, my hearts desire is to do what your father did, and die before you. Our children did not make us, we made our children. My children will be sad that the man that raised them passed some day, but that is as it should be.

I am sorry for your loss, but in your loss, there are blessings for you. You appear to be a man that can appreciate those blessings. My Best To You.

[–]Romowens[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Being the old man here, my greatest fear is outliving my children. As a father my wish, my hearts desire is to do what your father did, and die before you. Our children did not make us, we made our children. My children will be sad that the man that raised them passed some day, but that is as it should be.

Hell I am only 34 years old and that is already my greatest fear.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Being the old man here, my greatest wish fear is outliving wish is to outlive, my children.

There, corrected. It should be a wish and not a fear. I was wrong.

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cut yourself some slack. No man is expected to hold it together 100% of the time, especially when his father has just passed. You're going to feel a lot of powerful emotions that will come out of nowhere. Just acknowledge them and let them pass. Just do it one day at a time. It will get easier.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You are already handling it. Going forward allow yourself to grieve, let your wife into the process, don't shut her out, but remain an oak.

You got it bud.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nothing wrong with losing frame under the circumstances. However, your a man. Reflect, identify, mourn and move forward.

No, at some point if you must run mouth and let some steam off, don't make a habit if it though. It's much more effective said once and done

Get back on that horse and ride. It's your life, your father engrained it in you, part of this is your fear of going solo. It's ok. We are men, we truly do cut our own path.

[–]resolutions3162 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It took me a full year to feel any emotion over my dad dying. Then, all at once, in a pried car, I lost it - shakes, tears, a meltdown.

And then, the process actually started. You can't rush it. There's no right way. Just what is.

Trust yourself and live as best you can. Your body knows what it needs.

Condolences to you.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sorry for your loss. I can't say that I'll be able to hold stoic frame when that day comes for me. Honor him and the way he lives by embracing and crushing your journey back to masculinity. I can't think of a better way to remember a father, especially one who embodied all we talk about here.

[–]drty_prRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

We usually don't advocate apologizing here. In the event you lash out for something that not congruent, by all means say "What I said earlier isn't me babe. My bad. I love you". Give her a hug and leave it at that. Don't say sorry and don't engage in feelz. You can be the rock and be wrong sometimes too.

[–]gixxerthouguy1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Like others have said, no one is perfect. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Knowing what they are helps us overcome them - or at least cope with them.

I am extremely shit at funerals. I have suffered the loss of my mother, and older brother (I am 42 now). I lost my brother 10 years ago. Thinking about him brings me to tears.

Some things you just have to accept. It will get easier. Get the funeral out of the way. Rely on your first mate. As we say in England, keep your chin up.

[–]Romowens[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. We had the visitation today. Only part where I almost broke down was watching my oldest daughter, 11 years old, breakdown as I held her close.

Not saying that as I was acting macho or anything. Just think that either I am still in a fog, that over the past 3 years I've actually did a good job preparing myself for this outcome or dad prepped me to be the leader of the family and carry on the torch.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I need to figure out how to push forward without stalling with my process.

Time.



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