For the past week I've been lost. Haven't been lifting. Haven't been reading. My dad died last Thursday at age 55 due to cancer and liver failure. He was my guy. He was alpha. He tried to instill that mindset to my 2 brothers and I from early on. He didn't know anything about red pill. He just lived it.
Back in November when I started reading, I shared with him what I learned, or really what he taught me and I forgot. He looked at me and said "I told you all that before."
This past week I've kind of been on autopilot. Being strong for my children, my mom and my siblings. I've been keeping myself busy with things. I think subconsciously so I don't deal with my emotions. I need to take time for myself and process this.
My wife has been solid. Being there for me when I needed it. Backing off when I need space. Last Saturday after not being at home except for a few hours with kids and sleeping, I opened the trash can cupboard and found fast food wrappers and dirty diapers piled in. I grabbed a trash bag and threw everything in it angrily. She asked what's wrong. "Are we fucking slobs? Is this how we want to live? This is bullshit" I took the bag outside and went for a hour walk. In the past 5 days, the house is clean, clothes are washed and trash is thrown away properly.
I probably went to a 8 during my outburst instead of keeping my mouth shut. But everything just came out.
The visitation is tomorrow and funeral is Saturday. I need to figure out how to push forward without stalling with my process. I've actually kept drinking to 2 or 3 a day. So I applaud myself for that. Cigarettes has gone up. Need to get back on the patch.
That's all I got. Any advice for keeping frame and leadership while going through a life changing event? I'm all ears.