PMS and Frame Effects

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AustralianArm
March 15, 2017
7 upvotes
askMRP

Important information: This week is 'Shark Week'(tm).

Couple of days ago, I head off to work at 7am. Left with normal hugs/kisses and feeling good after a busy weekend. Wife sorts kid for school and heads to her job at 930am.

I text a few things during the day seeing how she is going, what time she expects to finish so school drop off is sorted. All good.

Wife finishes work at 3pm, heads to school pickup and heads home. I get a message asking if I need anything at shops as she is going to get stuff for dinner to go with pork chops. I reply that I'm all good and that I'm leaving work at 4pm.

I leave work and commute home (about an hour trip) and get in before her. I get changed out of work clothes, have a drink, unpack work bag, etc. By then wife arrives home from shops, I go to meet her in garage to help with bringing shopping in. I say "Hi!" and the first thing out of her mouth is "He just doesn't think sometimes" referring to our son. I get a partial hug and peck on cheek. And she's off inside.

After bringing shopping in, she storms into kitchen and starts tidying up (she should have done that before work), clearly in a mood. After a couple of snaps that I ignore, I say I will peel potatoes for dinner and start at it. I get to the last potato and the following discussion starts:

Her: "You haven't peeled all of them have you?" (There were 4 potatoes)

Me: "I'm on the last one"

Her: "sigh I wasn't going to use all of them"

Me: "Okay. I'll stop then"

Her: "You should have asked if I was going to use all of them"

Me: "I said I was going to peel them. You could have said something then"

Her: "You should have asked"

Me: STFU.

I left the kitchen and went outside to look at suspected irrigation pipe leak under the patio paving. Yep, definite leak. Start formulating solution and timeframe on when I can repair.

Head back inside and don't say anything.

After a few minutes:

Her: "Are you going to tell me what is wrong out there?"

Me: "Yeah, a pipe looks like it has split under the paving"

Her: "We're back to you not communicating again, are we?"

Me: "You're not really in a mood to communicate with at the moment"

Her: "If you can't handle communication, we have a problem"

Me: "I'm fine with communication. What I can't handle is your attitude right now"

Her: blank look

Me: "From the moment you got home you haven't said a nice thing to me, it has all been said with a tone. You couldn't even hug me properly."

Her: "Look, I've been at work all day and then had to go out to the shops to get dinner stuff when I didn't feel like it"

Me: "Thank you for getting dinner, but I could have stopped to get it if you were too tired" (Ignored all day comment)

Her: "I didn't want you to stop because then we'd be having dinner later"

Me: "I'm not fussed that and [Son] doesn't care. I don't expect dinner on the table when I get home."

Me: Left to go do something else. Left her with dinner prep.

Realising I'd lost frame, I put on my DGAF suit and returned a little later and got the BBQ ready to cook the meat and did some parts of dinner completion. Things were tense but not bitchy for a while. We sat down as a family for dinner I talked with our son more than I talked to her, him and I had a few laughs during dinner. She left the table first at the completion of dinner.

Later on we were sitting on the couch, her in silence, while watching TV, I was enjoying the show and making normal comments. Didn't acknowledge her mood. When son had gone to brush teeth and prep for school the next day, she moved over to me and cuddled me and said "Sorry about before. It's that time of the month and I shouldn't take it out on you" (I already knew what time it was). I didn't say "That's okay" or anything like that. I just said "I don't like it when you're like that" and cuddled her back. Things have been fine since. This period is a bad one so the PMS was amplified.

I know my frame broke down and should have STFU much sooner, although I am doing better than I have in the past. Still working on improving it.

What could I have done better to cut that shit off sooner?

I need help for the future. You guys are full of great wisdom.

TL;DR: Wife has sever PMS and was a bitch, I lost frame and argued and indulged her mood.


Post Information
Title PMS and Frame Effects
Author AustralianArm
Upvotes 7
Comments 16
Date 15 March 2017 02:15 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206414
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5zgp5p/pms_and_frame_effects/
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Comments

[–]abdadaRed Beret7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Too much talking, honestly. The potatoes thing is fog worthy. The tired from work getting dinner thing is fog worthy.

Stop explaining yourself to her.

[–]drty_prRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I second this. Just shut up man. Your frame was tres-soft. Why even try to reason with a woman? Especially a premenstrual one?

Look at it this way. Had you not engaged in any of those nonsensical arguments, how would the outcome have differed? You still would have ate dinner together, she still would have been a bitch and left after she ate, she still would have apologized on the couch. The only difference? You don't look like a woman.

Talk less, do more.

[–]SeamusAwl5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Too much talking, honestly. The potatoes thing is fog worthy. The tired from work getting dinner thing is fog worthy. Stop explaining yourself to her.

Yup. Fog and AM would have gone great there

Her: "You should have asked if I was going to use all of them"

OP: "Yup, I should have. Guess I will take the biggest one and sculpt a dildo. sounds like you need one" (said with a smirk)

[–]anythingincRed Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Her: "You haven't peeled all of them have you?"

So you got the hint outside that she was in a mood. Engage child-mode, then she says this in, I'm sure, an accusing tone, that kicks AM into overdrive.

Well, I only peeled two but the others eye's were fucking looking at me funny so I had take those bastards out too, no survivors to plot revenge.

Hopefully that gets an eye roll and a defusing smile. In your case not.

Her: sigh "I wasn't going to use all of them"

Well, whatever you don't use I can make mashed potatoes out of and we can smear them all over our writhing naked bodies later.

Again, hopefully that begins to defuse or at least gets an eye roll. In your case not.

Her: "You should have asked"

This was a really tense situation baby, I had two multi-eyed hostiles staring me down and I had to act quickly and without hesitation or remorse, I may have PTSD, and I need to go calm down, I'm going to my happy place

exit scene

Notice:

  • You never DEERed
  • You never entered her frame

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great examples here for you OP. +1

If you can't actually be fun, then at least STFU.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Me: "From the moment you got home you haven't said a nice thing to me, it has all been said with a tone. You couldn't even hug me properly."

Oh, you poor momma´s boy. Momma hasnt been nice to me!

Stop DEERing man. Start giving less fucks. Your frame sucks, work on that. The potato thing is the typical "you always put the dishes in the dishwasher in the wrong way!" and you go "im sorry i´ll stop now! Anything else i can be useful for m´lady?" Cringeworthy.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Me: STFU

Do this more. You're deep in her frame.

Track her cycle on your calendar, and distance yourself a bit during PMS - in other words, stay out of the line of fire.

On the flipside, initiate more during ovulation.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Realising I'd lost frame

That's a good step. You are in her frame, lots of her/she and you responding.

How would you know when you were out of her frame? When she is bitchty, you don't care. And you certainly don't get butthurt.

You sound a little butthurt.

Not a lot, but it seems like anger phase. It's normal. STFU is good advice, but STFU and change subject to something positive.

Acta, non verba. It's tricky here, because she asked you what's wrong, and you reply:

Me: "From the moment you got home you haven't said a nice thing to me, it has all been said with a tone. You couldn't even hug me properly."

I think "you've been acting like you didn't want me around, so I haven't been" is closer, but still reads passive-agressive. Maybe pressure flip "You're tired, you had to get groceries, you seemed to want space, so I gave it to you." (The next step is to say something like "do you want some attention?" with a clear double meaning. I'm not there yet myself.)

You've got the concepts but need to internalize it. Read more.

[–]AustralianArm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for that. I need to get past the butthurt and DGAF more

[–]mrpthrowa1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Me: "You're not really in a mood to communicate with at the moment"

This is where you turned into her girlfriend.

Me: "From the moment you got home you haven't said a nice thing to me, it has all been said with a tone. You couldn't even hug me properly."

This is where you turned into her toddler. Hug me mommy, say nice things to me.

making normal comments

Not sure what this means, but in general try not to be too chatty. Making irrelevant filler comments is a way for betas to shift their discomfort. A confident man is confident in silence. Embrace it.

Stop talking, fog or AM.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I got the "not communicating" line yesterday. Tried all the WISNIFG stretgies. Nothing worked. So I STFU. Sometimes that's all that works. Jackten has a good comment about shitty comfort tests. Treat them like an employee who is acting out. Don't get offended

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This doesn't address cutting it off sooner...but there's no need to stick around after dinner if she acts bitchy during the day. Show her you don't like it when she is like that by going and spending your time on something worthwhile.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Acta non Verba

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So.much.talking. #walloftext

I don't typically give a lot of tolerance for shark week. But regardless, you missed an opportunity to be fun or at least to grab her in an bear hug and carry her around. No "I be peelin' these potatoes boss; peelin' 'em real nice" joking around?

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Seconded. The "you aren't doing this chore right" thing is an invitation to be obnoxious in a funny way.

[–]SeamusAwl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sooooo many missed opportunities in such a short time. Here is how things should have gone....

Her: "You haven't peeled all of them have you?" (There were 4 potatoes)

OP: "Yes, and when I am done I am peeling that dress off you"

Her: "sigh I wasn't going to use all of them"

Me: "Okay. I'll stop then"

Her: "You should have asked if I was going to use all of them"

OP: "Yup, I should have. Guess I will take the biggest one and sculpt a dildo. sounds like you need one" (said with a smirk)

Her: "Are you going to tell me what is wrong out there?"

Me: "Yeah, a pipe looks like it has split under the paving"

Her: "We're back to you not communicating again, are we?"

OP: walk over and grab her. then say "we blew a pipe, its gonna take some work." then smirk and say "you can help by blowing my pipe, that will take some work too"

Oh and I FIFY

TL;DR: Wife has sever PMS and wanted to feel emotions, I lost frame and gave her the wrong ones.



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