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Just waking up. Critical shit test in progress. Need help.

Reddit View
December 29, 2016

Total newb to trp. I recently discovered trp and mrp trying to find some answers to save my marriage. Been reading through posts and ordered all the prerequisites from amazon but they wont arrive until tomorrow and I feel I am in the middle of a critical shit test that could set the tone for how my marriage moves forward. I apologize if this post is long and rambling a lot of this shit I just have to get off my chest and I am coming here seeking advice because this shit is too embarrassing to talk about with anyone I know in real life.

Background: Both early 30s, lived together 11 years, married 5. 2 kids one hers that I adopted when we got married and one together. In the early years of the relationship I feel like I had at least some alpha qualities but looking back it has been a slow descent into full betadom. Up until the last couple years she was pretty much completely reliant on me for everything financially, socially, emotionally, etc. She had no friends devoted all her time to home and kids. I had all the power and the trump card of being the sole provider for her and her daughter (still am) which I often played in fights. I still did shit with my buddies (mainly smoked weed and played video games) and I wished she would find some girlfriends or something so she would stop guilt tripping me every time I left her home. Right before we got married we got a house (100% in my name, she has never contributed any money towards it) where it was easier to smoke my weed on the down low and stopped hanging with buddies except for the occasional ball game. I would take her out from time to time which she told me she wanted to do more of both verbally, and physically but I basically blew it off like everything else she said. I worked all week and was tired. She started to go out on her own and eventually made friends. 6 months ago she befrinded a divorced mom from a nearby city. They went to concerts together travelling to each others citys and took a couple road trips. She has always complained she had trouble making friends with other women because they were so catty so I thought it was great at first. She'll finally have someone besides me to talk about her feels with I thought. Before long they were going out very frequently and I started to feel like it was a little much. All she wanted to talk about was going out, people they met, etc. I felt like she was slacking in her duties as a wife and mother. The house was less clean, wasn't keeping up with grocery shopping, couldn't handle the few grown up things I asked her to. But I wanted her to be happy, didn't want to rock the boat, so I was just a passive aggressive bitch about it to her.

Exactly one week ago things hit rock bottom. I could feel it slipping away for a while. We hadn't had sex in months. My gut was screaming at me that something was going on with her so I checked her phone and discovered that she was flirting with another man via text. I screenshotted what I could and contained my rage long enough to get the kids to bed and left the house without any explanation. I drove around screaming and cursing her for a couple hours. She didn't even text to ask why I left abruptly with no explanation. When I came home she was asleep. I woke her up and confronted her. She claimed the guy was "gay as hell" (which made some sense based off the selfies he sent her wearing flower crowns and shit) but his texts definitely seemed like a man trying to get in her pants, telling her how perfect she was, he was obsessed with her, etc etc. Not only was she not shutting it down she was flirting back. I told her this was completely unacceptable, she cried and admitted it was inappropriate and she was completely wrong and sorry. She claimed it started as harmless shit gay guys do with girlfriends telling them how pretty they are but she was starting to get a more serious vibe and should have stopped it but didn't because it felt good to hear those things. She swore she had never done anything physical with him or anyone else during our marriage despite opportunities and only exchanged numbers with this guy because she thought he was gay and was friends with her friend. We had a pretty honest conversation about the state of our marriage. She told me how she felt like she was married to her grandpa and she couldn't be herself around me because I was snarky and judgmental when she tried to talk. I told her I wasn't thrilled with her performance as a wife and mother recently and felt like she was checking out of the family life we had planned together for years and that was why I was acting that way. She didn't deny or apologize for it only said she wanted to live life to the fullest and I didn't and that she couldn't waste her life watching me go to work, come home, and sit on the couch anymore. We had nothing in common and she was uncomfortable here with me being a bitter asshole (my words not hers) and if it wasn't for the kids we would probably have broken up already. She had changed, it wasn't me it was her. I admitted I had been pretty down on life lately and was in a rut feeling like there was nothing left for me other than work, pay bills, raise kids, and die.

Being days before Christmas we agreed we didn't want to do anything rash for the kids' sake and left things open. I barely spoke to her for the next 2 days and she slept on the couch. I discovered trp and started reading. The harsh truths stoked my anger toward her at first. She never loved me. I was a meal ticket for her and her kid and now that she locked me down with a marriage and a kid of my own she was out slutting around with her divorced friend. She'll never admit it if she actually did physically cheat. How can I ever trust her? Was it even worth trying to save this for the sake of the kids?

On the 3rd night I got into her phone again and read texts between her and the friend. The messages after our fight are remorseful. She tells her to tell the guy she was texting she cant text him anymore that she is a married woman. Wtf was she thinking? I am a good father and provider but she isnt happy and doesn't think I will change. She worries that I am telling our family and friends and that I am talking to my lawyer and will take the kids. She says she has to figure this out for her kids sake and wonders whats wrong with her why she's not happy with our family life. Reading back in the text thread she complained that I wasn't fucking her and she needed to get laid. She said she just wanted to know what it was like to be pursued by a man before she was too old and that she had always felt like the pursuer in her past relationships. The friend downs me, refers to me as her "has been" tells her she deserves to be happy, encourages her to talk to other guys. My rage toward her turned to rage toward myself. I had been such a beta bitch faggot getting high and watching porn on my phone while my attractive wife is wishing I would try to fuck her. I had been stoned for 15 years and completely missed what she was trying to tell me all those times she got pissed off when she asked me to make decisions and I was just a wishy washy bitch about it. After reading some MRP I realized I was the Drunk Captain hiding from my duties as my ship sank. Looking back there were so many times she told me exactly what she needed but I was too blind to see. I thought she was just being a nagging bitch who couldn't do anything on her own and turned to my weed to hide from the negative feelings. I woke her up had her come back to bed to talk. I told her I realized I had not been the man she needed. I would be making changes for myself with or without her to be a happier and better person. I wanted the marriage to work and I wanted her by my side through the process but I was not doing it for her I was doing it for me because I needed to be happy too and my old mindset of ignoring my own needs for the good of the family was actually destroying us. We had a good Christmas eve and Christmas with family. I stayed sober, made a conscious effort to engage her and try to be more fun and playful. On Christmas with family over we had a moment alone in the bedroom. She asked me if I liked my presents I said "yeah but the one I really want to unwrap is you" she said "you can unwrap me tonight if you like" told her I would love to and gave her a kiss on the neck and a slap on the ass and went back out and worked on being more social and charming than usual with the family. That night after everyone left I felt like she was stalling on going to bed. She always goes to bed before me but she was staying up watching a movie on tv she had already seen. When it ended and another one began she did nothing so I announced I was going to bed. She followed. I began to initiate, she seemed pretty uninterested, acted like it was all an inconvenience for her that it was late and I had waited too long. She got naked and said "ok are we gonna do this or what" I said "yeah but I need you to participate if my dicks gonna get hard" she just said wow and started to turn away. I rolled her over and just started ravaging her, rammed it home and started pounding her, pulling her hair and telling her in her ear how hot she was and how bad I'd been wanting to fuck her. It was short and sweet, we came together and both went to bed satisfied.

In the days after we talked and started making up she told me she was no longer going on a girls trip out of town she had planned for NYE and we decided instead we would take the kids shopping to spend their xmas money from Grandma. I told her not to do it for me. She said it wasn't for me she didn't want to go anymore. She also asked if she could go visit her divorcee friend one last time to give her her Christmas present and "break up with her". I gave her my blessing and thought ok now she's realizing this bitch is a bad influence and not healthy for her life. Well last night was the visit and upon returning home not only did they not "break up" but she tells me she's thinking of going ahead and doing the girls trip for "one last hurrah" since they wont be going out together anymore after this. I probably should have shut it down with a hard no immediately but I reverted back to my BP bitch thinking and told her I didn't really think it was the best thing for our family right now we had been making a lot of progress in the last few days and needed to be together. She said if you want to say no then say no. I bitched out and just said you're my wife I think you should be with your husband on NYE. She said come with us then. I immediately agreed, thinking it could be a good chance to show her we can have fun and go on adventures together. This morning I could tell she didn't really want me coming, she acted annoyed and bitchy, said we need to change reservations at the hotel now blah blah blah. I didn't say much about it, went through my routine before work, tried to kiss her goodbye got the cheek, ignored it and kissed the kids and left. I need some advice on how to handle this now because I feel like I fucked up and am falling back to my old ways before I can even get started. These are the options as I see it now.

Go on the trip. Try my best to be fun and awesome around her friends. I know she will probably be weird and bitchy toward me now. Don't let it affect me, stay fun and positive.

Reverse my decision and tell her no. I don't want her going she needs to stay home with me and the kids and do what we said before. Give her an ultimatum that if she still goes it shows she is not doing anything to change and doesn't give a shit about me or the marriage. I am filing for divorce asap.

Let her go without me and try not to give a shit what she's doing. Have fun with the kids and do what we originally planned without her plus something more fun that I come up with. Try to show her we don't need her and will be just fine, if not better, without her around.

I just need some advice about how to proceed from this point on from some more experienced RP guys. I know I need to change with or without her but I don't really want to blow everything up before I can even get started with the basics because I really do want to save my family.

Post Information
Title Just waking up. Critical shit test in progress. Need help.
Author Stoned_Captain
Upvotes 11
Comments 50
Date 29 December 2016 12:09 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]GongShanks5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Holy fuck that's a lot of words. She's been fucking other guys brah. If that's a deal breaker for you, divorce her. This isn't a shit test. She is actually taking other men's penises into her body.

I know this sounds harsh. What I'd do. Honestly is get her alone after kids are in bed. Tell her you need complete transparency right now. Right now. Then go on her devices and look through everything. If it's passworded, have her give you the password immediately. If she doesn't, you file for divorce immediately. This isn't the time for a gentle hug. She needs a cold glass of water in the face immediately.

99% sure she's already cheated but I don't know you or her so I can't be 100%.

You are a fucking loser. You really are. I know because I was a fat pothead too.

Get your shit together. The go plan and the Stay plan are the same plan. I doubt you do. This marriage is probably over either way. And don't think she can't survive without you. She's got the ultimate support system right between her legs. She can and will find a provider (she probably already has him lined up).

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Harsh, but true.

Something men need to understand is that no woman will ever, ever go without what she needs, ever. She won't always get what she wants. She will always, always, without fail, get what she needs. A man will always, always be there to provide her with whatever she needs. Always.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, echoing the other guys who are telling you that your current situation with the NYE trip and what to do about it is a culmination of years of fucking up.

No more weed. Cut the drinking down to next to nothing. Start leading, doing things you want to do, and taking charge of your own life. Stop worrying about her and your marriage, and start worrying about YOU, because it's YOU that needs to be fixed. Get your nutrition fixed. Get to the gym.

As for the texts, where there's smoke there's fire. She's probably already cheated physically. You'll never know for sure unless she comes clean on it. Expect trickle truth - bits and pieces coming out in dribs and drabs, until (maybe) she finally breaks down and it all comes out, weeks or months or even years later. Best bet is that she's already cheated physically, and that there are more men she's been in contact with than you know about. You need to presume that physical cheating has gone on, and then determine whether that's a dealbreaker for you. Personally, if I were in your situation, I'd walk no matter the cost, because it's not worth saving.

As for NYE, do something with the kids like you planned, and invite her. ANd let her make the decision. If she decides not to go, then you pretty much have your answer on what she thinks of you and the marriage.

Finally - you can see where your mistake was. Marrying a single/divorced mom, then adopting her kid by another man. You cucked yourself. She saw, and sees, you as her savior/meal ticket, not as a man she's genuinely sexually attracted to.

[–]GongShanks1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]470_2_700_nm5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hey mother fucker welcome. You are in a heap fuck of trouble. Glad you have found the right place. I wish I had 12 years ago since my Ltr was doing much more than you have uncovered via texting. So here are my Coles notes in order of relevance and my perceived importance.

Physical fitness - It's been established that since you are not posting a picture of your upper body that your physical fitness sucks. Start on this journey right away. Ditch the weed 100%, trim drinking down to closer to nothing, stop putting processed shit into your body and lift. I think this is your 100% first step.

Sex - escalate with your wife. The write up where you banged your wife hard is in the right direction. I think you are failing to bang your wife enough. Stop fapping to porn if you are at all. Your outlet for your jizz needs to be in one of her orifices or a part of her body (face and mouth included.)

Frame - peel back the drywall and your studs are 2 x 2's on 56 inch centres. YOU decide what is acceptable and appropriate in terms of her behaviour, then tailor your time and attention accordingly. Don't hesitate to be explicit. Leave no room for interpretation about your expectations. She's been texting with another guy and now wants to leave for a while? Not. Fucking. Happening. You won't stop her physically, but be clear about the ramafacations on your relationship.

Frame2 - Dont go along with an outing your wife planned if you don't want to. And I know you don't.

You've got to set boundaries man.

(BTW Your wife's explanation and emasculation of this guy is typical. It's close to the "we only did it missionary" and "his dick was small". This is typical post cheat speak. Whether she actually fucked this guy is beyond the scope of what I'm willing to go into, but I'll guess yes, and if she has not she might as well have.)

[–]GongShanks0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Love it. 56" centers! Awesome.

[–]Mecha754 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I am surprised nothing happened with the guy she kept going on road trips with. But there are things you must do immediately. Get off the Pot. Flirt with her at every opportunity. Dont let her go out on NYE without you and dont go where she was going. Make your own plans and tell her she is coming with you. Also, get kindle for your phone and order the kindle versions of those books from amazon. You married her, she is your responsibility so start acting like it. If you anything that needs to be done, just do it because it needed to be done. And certainly not for any accolades. Lead you family and read all of Hunter's TheFamilyAlpha blog. You are the man. Start acting like it. And if she leaves you, pick yourself up and work on you. Always be working on you. As the late great Patrice O'neal said "when everything is right with the king, everything is right with the kingdom". Oh and get off the fucking pot!!!

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It was her divorcee girlfriend she has been going on the trips with. Allegedly the "gay" guy she was talking to was someone she had just met through mutual friends last time they went out which he actually referenced in the texts I saw that he couldn't believe he was so obsessed with someone he had only hung out with once. Doesn't mean something hasn't happened with another guy on another night out that I will never know about though and unfortunately that seed of doubt has already taken root in my brain.

At this point I'm not really worried about her leaving me unless she has another provider lined up which she may be shopping for right now. She doesn't make enough money to even rent an apartment on her own and she has no real life skills because I have always taken care of that stuff for her.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Do you lift?

Better question, is this a copypaste of a forum post?

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Not yet but i am not a sloppy fat fuck just a bit of a dad bod. Will start getting my body right asap.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

not a sloppy fat fuck just a bit of a dad bod

We have heard that many times. Take a picture of yourself shirtless. Look at it carefully. If you are right, post it.

When I started here, 2 years ago, I believed I was an SMV 8 or more. Now after losing lots of weight and working out for 2 years, I am certain I am a 7 or less. Best

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're right. I look like shit. I would never send this to a woman I was trying to fuck. Good call.

[–]mabden3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I had been stoned for 15 years and completely missed what she was trying to tell me

I was sitting in my basement. I just rolled myself a taste Of something green and gold and glorious To get me through the day. Then my friend yelled through the transom "Grab your coat and get your hat son, There's a nut down on the corner, Givin' dollar bills away" But I laid around a bit Then I had another hit. Then I rolled myself a bomber. Then I thought about my mama. Then I fooled around, played around jacked around a while and then I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and it rolled right by. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned... oh me... oh my.

It took seven months of urgin' Just to get that local virgin With the sweet face Up to my place To fool around a bit. Next day she woke up rosy, And she snuggled up so cozy. When she asked me how I liked it, Lord it hurts me to admit, I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and it rolled right by. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned... oh me... oh my. I'm makin' no excuses

For the many things I uses Just to sweeten up my relationships And brighten up my day. When my earthly race is over And I'm ready for the clover And they ask me how my life has been I guess I'll have to say, I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and it rolled right by. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned and I missed it. I got stoned... oh me... oh my.

[–]sh0ckley2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'd go with a variation on option 2.

But don't frame it as "reverse your decision" but instead make a new plan that you want to do and invite her. If she comes great and if she doesn't then also great. Do not order her around. Leadership is earned not demanded. Ultimatums come from a position of weakness.

I think we have a case here of "mommy is rooting for him" - she sounds like a halfway decent woman who really wishes OP would grow a set. Her behavior indicates that she has not completely checked out... yet.

OP knows he's an idiot and that's a start but only matters if he follows up with continuous action and never takes foot off the gas.

Do you even lift, bro?

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

Going on the trip with her seems like mate guarding to me. I wouldn't go. Make plans that you want to do to have fun with your kids, and invite her along. If she goes with you, then great, if she goes with her friends, great. Also, don't frame it as you deciding not to go because it seems like she doesn't want you to go, frame it as you were thinking and you think you'll have more fun doing shit of your choosing with your kids. Keep it short, simple and free from butthurt and passive aggression. Learning to STFU more would probably help you out.

You need to save yourself if you want to save your family. Don't worry about her, worry only about you. Don't make this decision with the goal of influencing her or getting her to stick around with you. Do what the fuck YOU want to do. It sounds to me like you'd rather have a good time with your kids than go out with her ladies night friends, so fucking go hang out with your kids and have a good time. Your wife is your #1 priority right now and she needs to be like 4th or 5th on your list.

About that ultimatum shit, don't do it, it's weaksauce. You need to have the mindset that you're such an awesome fucking guy that she would be an idiot to ever want to be with anyone else, and if she does, you'll be fine because, as an awesome guy you have many options and will get a long just fine.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree +1.

And quit smoking dope, dope. I have never met regular pot smoker that had any balls.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dude you are so fucking right thank you. Saying shit like we NEED to be together on nye is co-dependant beta BP thinking. I am falling right back into making decisions based around her. Like I need to prove to HER that I can be fun. I need to make sure SHE doesn't do anything inappropriate when I'm not there. Fuck that. If there is any person in this world I NEED to be with on any given day it's my daughter. Thats what I would rather do so thats what I'll do. I dont need to go to bars to recapture my lost youth thats her thing. If she wanted to cheat she probably already has in much better opportunities before I was suspicious. I need to stop worrying about her and keep my eye on the prize. Me and my girls. If this thing falls apart she can be the one to explain to them why and I can honestly say I did what I could. They will remember that I was the one there with them.

Besides, going with them involves a lot of moving parts. I am just now starting to get my mind right. I don't need to be out in a strange town getting drunk with some hidden agenda running through my head. It will be unauthentic and it will show. Probably do more harm than good and seems like there is a lot of blow up potential. There will be plenty of opportunities for me to show her my fun side down the road when my shit is more together and her bar skank friends arent involved. Things are still emotionally charged between us right now and adding alcohol and other people to the mix seems like a high risk low reward situation.

My main thing was not coming off like a wishy washy bitch for changing my mind. I just need to do what I actually want and not give a fuck. Cultivate my own awesome life with just me and the kids doing what we want and fuck everyone else. If she doesn't want to join in it's her loss theres plenty of other women who would love it.

In my rational mind I know I still have the leverage. If we get divorced sure I may take a financial hit but I'll recover. I have money for lawyers, I have family who can help me if needed. She doesn't. At the end of the day she needs me more than I need her. Now that I've seen the light I just need to stay woke and keep my head on straight.

[–]sh0ckley1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP: notice that a mod with flair had the best response. Remember that now... and also when you get called faggot.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–]mundocorde2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Hi, Stoned_Captain. I read your story. My suggestion is to do the last option, namely "Let her go without me..." Have a great time with the kids and -if possible- take time for what you really want to do. Have fun. I think it's the least beta of the options. Also, stop smoking weed, dude. Getting drugged, being an addict -of anything- is super beta.

I like the idea of not letting her go, but I don't know if you will be able to do that (I say it not because of you, but because of me: I can't control my wife).

I am by no means an expert in the Red Pill. I opened my eyes to the truth like a month ago and have been reading like crazy too. Also, I know that this stuff is much easier to say than to do, so take it easy. Whatever to do, it won't be the end of the world. All the best.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for reading and replying. I think you are right about what the best option is. I recognize now that the weed is a huge contributing factor to all of the problems in my life not just my relationship. My gut has been telling me for years I am way too old for this shit and it is holding me back in life but my stoned hamster rationalized it away. If the events of the last week have taught me anything it's that I can no longer hide from the truth. I have to get my mind sharp again and keep it that way to get what I want out of life. My brother smoked a joint in front of me today and even though I was stressing out over this shit and my mind was racing I honestly wanted no part of it. It felt really good and I intend to stay on this course.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah man, you fucked up a lot. Really, you were OK with your wife going out on her own? Road trips? I really doubt she didnt get dicked any of those times. Start lifting right now, quit the fucking pot, start owning you shit and man up. Start making the decisions and leading, dont be afraid of her or of what she does. For your own sake, not for her. Keep reading the materials.

Anyway, about NYE, my suggestion is, tell her: "Im going to [travel to some place fun/fun activity] with the kids, you should join us". You cant stop her from going with her bitchy friend, but if she does go and doesnt cut contact with her, you really should consider walking, as this will most likely not end well. Find your balls back man. Do the stuff YOU want to do and YOU think its the right thing to do.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You've received great advice from the other guys. Stop weed, workout, eat right.

Whether you go on a trip with your wife, or let her go with her slut friend won't matter in the long run. You need to start thinking about what you want and then go do it. Do you want to bang other chicks? Make yourself the kind of guy ALL women are attracted to. You're stuck in a rut so change your patterns. Join a sports league. Go camping. Go hunting. Do some manly activities.

A lot of the advice from others is reactionary and based on her frame. Figure out what you want and then go for it.

[–]BrazilRedPill1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Ok fucker, how was NYE?

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

I told her I had decided not to go and would be doing stuff with the kids instead. She asked why I said it just wasn't what I wanted to do and I agreed to go for the wrong reasons. She asked if I wanted her not to go. Told her do what you want I'm doing what I want you are invited to come along if you like. She tried to act like I was being mean and trying to use the kids against her. Putting her in a tough spot becuse other peoples plans were relying on her and she would be cancelling last minute. I reiterated I was doing what I want I'm doing me you do you I dgaf and stfu about it because I could feel myself getting loud and amped up. Told her later if she was going we were fucking before she left and we did. She seemed into it so that was at least something.

Long story short she went, I took the kids out for the day. My older daughter had plans to sleep over with friends they were having a family friendly party and me and the youngest daughter ended up staying there and having fun with them for the rest of the night.

When I made the OP my mind had worked this up into being some make or break event that in reality it was not. I am just going to lay low, keep my eyes open, and work on sharpening my mind and body. I feel like if I do that then the answers I am seeking will reveal themselves in time.

[–]BrazilRedPill2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

So she went to the trip on NYE alone with other single girls. You, on the other hand, spent NYE with the kids at home.

Dude, this sucks. This is not something I ever saw someone to accept. Sorry to say, but you have a loser / beta way of thinking about this.

The thing is that if you're a married woman, you are supposed to spend NYE with your husband and daughters. If you are a married woman, you are supposed to not take trips with single ladies. She knows this. But she has no respect for you.

If her husband was someone cool kino badboy / alpha style, she wouldn't want to go to trip; she would want to stay with the husband; she wouldn't even think about this shit idea, because she would respect the man. And also, if the husband was someone cool kino badboy / alpha style, he wouldn't ever allow himself to be in a position where his wife is out with bitches on NYE and he is babysitting at home. No fucking way.

I wish you the best of luck. Think straight, think hard. Lift, read.

My honest opinion: make an exit plan. Talk to a lawyer. If you can't just leave now, leave this shit in a month from now. This relationship is only bringing dishonor to you.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I get it. Mistakes were definitely made in my handling of the situation. It should have been a hard no when I had the opportunity before making the op.

She did invite me to go and it was my decision not to. Do I wish she had made a different decision than she did? Sure. Would she have made that same decision if I was a cool kino bad boy alpha? Of course not. Obviously I am not there yet or I wouldn't be in this situation in the 1st place. Am I taking an L here? Absolutely, and it sucks. But I am taking a lose the battle but win the war approach atm.

As others have pointed out this is the culmination of years of fucking up and the marriage has cratered out. Also as others have pointed out the stay plan and go plan is the same plan. Now I just have to stay on my MAP, strengthen my position, and if she doesn't get on board with my leadership and changes moving forward then I play my hand when the time is right.

I did consult with my lawyer and he advised me to give it some time that there would be serious lifelong consequences and, married or not, I have no choice but to have this woman in my life for at least the next 13 years since we have children together. Honestly if there were no kids involved I would just say fuck this and move on but at the end of the day I can't in good conscience blow up the only life my 5 year old daughter has ever known based on my hurt pride and the information I have at this time.

Really do appreciate all you guys' input and advice though. When I made op I was really freaking out and now I feel like I have a better handle on this thing.

[–]GongShanks0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

How you doing a week in?

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Not too bad. Still not smoking and it feels great. Head feels clearer every day. So much more energy. Sex drive has come roaring back. Problem is wife is not super interested but I've been making it known I want to fuck and trying to game her. Lamely but it's a start. More importantly been exercising daily and reading.

Still trying to figure out exactly what it is that I want. When I'm out of the house during the day I convince myself it's over and I need to nuke it so I can move on and stop wasting my time. Then I get home and convince myself I need to give it more time I'm just getting started and need to give her time to respond or not when actual changes become evident. Just keep telling myself what you said "stay plan and go plan is the same plan" so my main focus needs to be fixing myself and letting the chips fall where they may from there.

[–]GongShanks0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You'll get there. It isn't a sprint. If you need time to think, take it. Glad to hear the fog is lifting in your head. Pretty amazing.

This whole sub is simply a fancy way of getting men to value themselves. It's all about rebuilding your self esteem in a very genuine way. You can't or achieve your way to self esteem. It's a mindset. Building your body is a big part of building you mind. You are not your brain (Athol kay wrote in Mmsl). You are your legs, your chest, your eyes, your feelings, your fists, and so on. Build your body, build our mind, and you will begin to take yourself serious...and so will others.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

WELP that didn't take long. Her words said she wanted to make it work to save the family but it became clear over the course of the month she was already done and just didn't want to be the one to kill the puppy.

I called her out on her lack of congruence and she admitted she wants out she'll give me anything I want in the divorce. I have an appointment with my lawyer to prepare a disillusionment. Hoping to move forward with this as quickly as possible while she still feels guilty and is willing to sign something that completely favors me.

I'm sad that I didn't wake up and find this place a year ago but at the same time I'm excited for a new chapter in my life. I was really questioning if I even wanted to save it too but I wanted to at least try for my daughters' sake. This place has really opened my eyes to how much BS I deluded myself into believing. If I'm really being honest with myself my favorite thing about her was always her looks. She filled a niche for me and I overlooked so many red flags because of it.

So now I'm looking at being a 33 yr old single dad back in the game for the 1st time since 05. I know I need to continue on the same path of self improvement, lift read etc, I have finished NMMNG and MMSLP had just started WISNIFG. Is mrp no longer the place for me? Should I switch my focus toward trp and pua stuff? Just looking for a little input on how to proceed from here.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

(Throws you paper towels)

Now clean yourself and that puke up. Read the books you have coming. This event is not the make or break deal you say it is. You only feel that way because you know the information in those books would help you make the right choice...but you don't have it yet.

Reread all your options that you wrote. Are they all based on what you want or on what she wants? Do they make sense (does her going on a trip even though you said you'd rather her not = divorce make sense?). You don't have the knowledge to act on this decision yet. Get the books. Read. Lift. It's going to be a long road.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are right about blowing this one event out of proportion. The events I should have been worried about have already happened. I have to be a man and keep my composure right now for my kids' sake. I can tell this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[–]GongShanks0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Now you are feeling the weed chickens coming home to roost. Internalize that. I have/had the same issues. It numbs you in a good way but also in a bad way.

Don't go back to it as a crutch. Don't freak out.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah it used to be like a social thing I would do with my buddies we would smoke hang out and have some laughs but over time I started to prefer to do it alone and it became an isolating way to numb myself to the world.

It hasn't been easy but I haven't smoked since all this shit started. I realize now I need to feel those negative feelings I have been trying to kill for so long and use them as fuel to better myself and move forward.

[–]GongShanks0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yep and I always had the feeling that whole golfing is good, golfing while stoned is better. Sex is good, sex while ripped is better, playing video games is fun, ..... and on it went. It was a delusion I told myself.

[–]BrazilRedPill0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Dude, you are in a position and time where actions are required right now. She flirted that guy. She went out with a divorcee that is a cock seeker, hardcore feminist and bad influence at all. Travel with the girls means all of them, your wife included, looking for cocks. Maybe she already cheated on you.

You are betabux for her, she needs alpha stuff. She needs dominance, guidance, leadership and seduction coming from you. I would take extreme actions now, because what she did is extreme.

Get your shit together, give yourself importance, hold frame like a champ and say like this:

"Wife, you will not go in this trip with the divorcee. This thing ends now. A lot of girls travelling alone, are you nuts? I don't tolerate that my wife is going on a trip like this, no way. I am telling you, very clearly: don't go. This is fucking disrespectful in every way."

Then you STFU. Let her make a decision. If she goes, fill the papers and divorce her. Your daughter will know in the future that you were man enough to divorce your wife when she did unfair things, and not a coward to accept them.

If she stays, you will have a long path to man the fuck up and become the alpha / leader of your family.

This is intolerable. I don't think you will be able to get over this trip if she decides to go.

Good luck.

[–]sh0ckley4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is a Rambo approach.

It's doubtful that OP has the skill or experience level to hold frame like a champ, he also has no earned respect.

If OP makes a plan of his own and invites her and she doesn't want to follow his lead... only then would a more covert expression of the disrespect level indicated be a wise move, but for the benefit of the wife.

EDIT: Summary is OP needs to give a reason not to go. I'm not disagreeing with the facts stated in the comment, only the suggestion about how to effectively handle the situation.

[–]cashmoney_x0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Humans aren't monogamous. This is the only answer any of you need. It explains fucking everything.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Welp, just got the books in the mail and read chapter one of MMSLP. I feel physically ill. I was holding out a sliver of hope that I caught this in time. No fucking way. The only way she hasn't already cheated is some miracle scenario where she just didn't get the chance with the right guy at the right time but there is absolutely no doubt she was/is mentally ready to fuck someone else not just flirt.

I just made an appointment with my Lawyer for tomorrow morning to plan an exit strategy. I know I need to keep my head on straight but it is so fucked right now. Part of me wants to kick in the door and throw all her shit in the street and the other part of me wants to go apologize to her for being such a fuck up who ignored her when she tried to tell me multiple times what she needed from me until she gave up and started looking elsewhere.

The not knowing for sure is going to eat me up from the inside. She's never going to admit it and trying to get her to will just come off as weak. Do I just say my gut and what I've already uncovered tells me everything I need to know and suck it up, rip the band-aid off and walk right fucking now?

Do I adopt the "she's not mine I'm just using her" mindset and just dig deep and get mentally tough enough to keep her around while I improve myself and use her like she's used me to practice my game and get my moneys worth out of her pussy until I'm ready to go back to the wild?

Do I take responsibility for my part in all this and try to move forward with her assuming she gets on board with my new leadership and just bang some whore when I'm ready so I will be even with her mentally?

Goddamnit I have to go home soon and look at her lying whore face and keep my shit together.

[–]470_2_700_nm4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Stoner, chill out for a bit man. Neither myself nor you or anyone on this sub know for sure what that woman of yours has done.

Turn to lifting, eating right, and fucking that pussy for what it's worth. Give it a month or maybe a few.

Don't make any fast and rash decisions out of emotion.

Take it easy bud we will be here tomorrow. Lift and read, look after your family and then make your move after thinking it over for a good while. Your decision will have consequences you will need to be ready to live with either way you go with it.

Sure go see a lawyer, but chill.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're right. My head is really scattered right now. Not only am I in a stressful situation I am trying to deal with it while giving up vices I have leaned on for years. I am trying to find a definitive answer right now and I need to slow down and not fly off the handle over every thing I read just take it all in, carefully consider it, and make the most rational decision that is best for me.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yea man, we're not joking when we say it's a tough pill to swallow. The good news is that you have the power and you are the prize, and now you realize the extent of that power and how much control you have over your own life.

I can't tell you what to do but you're on the right track. Talking to a lawyer is 100% a good idea and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, whether you stay with your woman or not. You need to have total control over your life and that involves knowing your legal options, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, don't ever let anyone tell you or shame you otherwise. Women and society will literally put your head on a steak and roast your corpse for the feminine imperative, don't let them or your wife do that to you.

About looking at her in her lying whore face, she is just a woman and AWALT. She is playing the hand that society gave her. It's a generous hand and while she should have been up front and honest about her goals and intentions, I don't know any woman who truly is. Women have an incredible amount of power in society now and they aren't shy about using and abusing it at the expense of men.

My advice would be to chill out for a minute, and clear your head. An emotional man is a weak man, and that's no good for anyone. Your hand just became more powerful than hers, play it wisely and don't let emotions trip you up, that's your strongest ability as a man.

[–]Stoned_Captain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sage advice once again good sir. Amongst friends and family I am known as the unemotional rational guy they come to for advice. I just need to let the chemicals in my brain balance out first. I didn't get into this mess overnight and I won't get out of it overnight either.

[–]BrazilRedPill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That is something you must decide for yourself.

To me and most, cheating is intolerable, is dead end game over. You may have failed on being alpha and may be the biggest beta there is, but cheating is no excuse for that. Don't blame yourself for her cheating. Also, a lot of guys see the forgiving of a cheater wife as the ultimate beta move. And finally, it is said the image of her cheating will be on your mind until the end of time, consuming you.

If you decide to stay, you will have to invest a lot on improving yourself, it will be fucking stressful because of that image of her being fucked in the ass by some guy that will create roots on your head.

It is said on mrp that it is better to put energy and time on a new relationship than in an existing failed one.

In the end, you are the one who will have to deal with your choice. Think straight. Think everything. Don't listen to others, listen to you.

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stoner, chill out for a bit man. Neither myself nor you or anyone on this sub know for sure what that woman of yours has done.

Turn to lifting, eating right, and fucking that pussy for what it's worth. Give it a month or maybe a few.

Don't make any fast and rash decisions out of emotion.

Take it easy bud we will be here tomorrow. Lift and read, look after your family and then make your move after thinking it over for a good while. Your decision will have consequences you will need to be ready to live with either way you go with it.

Sure go see a lawyer, but chill.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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